Raggin' Piano Boogie

HIS SPIRIT LIVES ON! ... BONER, THE PIANO DOG ... November 27, 1994 ... February 20, 2010

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You will find here writings that began in 2006 and continued everyday for a year, pictures too! There are also a few entries newer entries that have been inserted. Nothing written here has been proof read and I never wrote before this began. The first entry is at the bottom. I suppose you could call this the first draft for a book :) The purpose is to share the personal and intimate experience of strength, hope, joy ,fun, discovery and the intrique I have had through my relationship, the stewardship of my first dog ever, Piano Dog Boner. You can call him "Bo" for short.

April 11, 2008

Two thoughts: Sometimes Bo exercises resistance. If I want him to do something, he with intent does the opposite. I allow this. I think resistance is natural and healthy for a balanced relationship. There are boundaries just not so tight. Believe me, the boundaries were too tight in the beginning.

Next... sometimes when we are out together, Bo disconnects consciously with me, usually when I disconnect with him. He goes off on his own and then there other times he is completely conscientious. I had a very disturbingly interesting happening with him the other night. We were crossing the highway together and we had to be quick between the traffic. Bo knows to be quicker when crossing a street. He knows to run fast and ahead of me unless I specifically tell him to stay next to me the whole way across a highway. I sometimes just expect him just know what to do which is a big mistake. What he knows is to take a cue from me. With no cue from me he has no alternative but to guess. He automatically knows to wait until I start moving. On this particular occasion I was thinking about my speed of crossing and not Bo's. I gave him no direction as i stepped off the curb so he had to guess whether to run or walk. As I started into the street he moved ahead and I saw him entering under the rear wheel of a car moving about 55 miles an hour. I literally, visually slowed time with my mind, everything went into slow motion and with a horrendous guttural grunt from me Boner responded with a crouch backwards, thank God. Two nights later and in the same type of situation again, I started to move and he waited until I specifically told him it was ok to move and what to do. He wasn't going to take a chance. This happens from time to time, at least once a month. He cover's for me when I am not thinking. This never ceases to amaze me.

April 10, 2008

Bo would be full of fear and going crazy in his head right as I sit and write these words. He has gained something new from the loss of his hearing. I have plastic over my windows to keep the wind out. The warm weather has sprung and so have the flies. There is a big and fat strong and loud buzzing fly that just won't quit stuck between the window and the plastic. Bo's had had a life long neuroses with flies and buzzing and now he does not hear them to be bothered :) So its just me going crazy while waiting for that fly to buzz out.

February 26, 2008

With deep realization while walking with Bo today, I identified the fact that he has basically two modes of operation, that of animal instinct and what I call love. My relationship with him is evolving closer and closer into oneness. As he gets a little ditsy with age... I understand more an more about him, his behavior and train of thought. I embrace and accept his behavior's whatever they may be with practically no need to control and with zero repression. I could never get angry, frustrated, impatient or assign false motives to anything he does. He is a dog... and has a right to do "dog" things. From the second mode of love... I can see god in him, he is pure attraction, love and it is all about relationship. Boner is pure in his desire and willingness to relate on the most basic level of "being." He wants nothing but to create compatibility and live in harmony. There has never been motives form him in life as I understand motives for myself in life. His motives are and have always been instinctual and just pure love. To constantly discover this fact on deeper levels with him every day has been the greatest joy I have experienced in life to date. In the past I used to think without awareness of him. It was all about me. Concerning Bo, I think with constant growing awareness of god, us, oneness... and through him I experience nothing but bliss. I know talking this way may really turn off a lot of people but hey... "it is what it is." :)

January 21, 2008

Interesting... the last time I wrote in here it was over the same issue. We were walking, it was daytime, I was listening to my ipod with my headset, I decided to take a new route, after about 60 seconds I turned and Bo was not with me, I looked out into the field and he was no where to be found. I retraced our steps and then went home. He did not see me make the new turn and his instincts said, "I lost him, go right home" which he did. I saw him as I walked down the street before he could see me. I saw him standing on the porch ears perked waiting and hoping and as I approached. When he saw me he kept switching back and forth between a tail wag and being still in case I was not happy. I told him he needs to watch out more and gave him a hug. I was so thankful he thought to go home when he did not know what else to do. Bottom line... the relationship is reverting back to youthful needs. Although he knows what to do now unlike when he was young, things can be confusing with his mind, hearing, instincts and eyesight. I am beginning to take more responsibility with the leadership aspects of our relationship. It is not so mutual anymore. In fact when he walks it is now sometimes behind me where he always used to want the lead up front. I can no longer depend on his being able to think quick when needed. I am beginning to have the need to think ahead of time for him, give him more time so comprehend commands. I can see the need for his leash down the road. Oh boy, is that going to be an adjustment. He will prefer it I know. I'm the one who is going to need to work on accepting the adjustment. I have loved the ability to have given him independence in the relationship but more so that he has trusted me enough to accept the independence within the boundaries and limits of his domestication.

December 18, 2007

I lost Bo last night. We were walking as usual and began a strange interaction. I am now fairly certain of what happened. He needed and wanted interaction. Remember he is sitting on the couch a lot these days instead of being out on the truck with people. First, he started to circle around me, then he would stop and stand in front of me. i think he was forcing interaction to distract me from my self absorbed state of mind. Then he began to challenge me by walking behind so i would constantly need to turn around to tell him to get up front where I could see him. Then he kept trying to walk just two steps behind. We argued with the situation. I would walk right into him when he would try to get me to stop. I would used my foot to boot his ass forward, I began to yell for him to stop it. He began to get confused by my anger. I was listening to a Christmas CD that was really irritating me because the music had zero feeling or flow. I was trying to last till the end of the CD to be able to say I listened to the whole thing all the while getting more and more frustrated.

I finally switched CD's to a better one and became even more self absorbed. Finally we got to an area where I could just let him wonder more and he did. Then we got into the apartment complex where he ate something bad last year and almost died. When the memory came back to me I looked around to find him but he was gone. I stopped and thought. There was no use to call him he does not hear well anymore. His eyes are not that great and it was really cold so his sniffing abilities were limited. I searched a bit for him, thought of my options and hoped he had just run home. I tried to assure myself that he knew where he was but was concerned over the confusion of the last hour. I thought, "he might be very exhausted from the last hour of walking which I hope does not lead to his mind creating confused... as he is now thirteen. I hurried home which was about five blocks away all the while looking. I thought about the time of night 1AM, the cold, the police, the neighbors. I arrived home and he was not there. i jumped into my truck and realized it was almost out of gas so I took the Traveling Piano truck out of the garage and headed back to the spot where I last saw him.

I found him on the way... standing on a street corner with his nose in the air turning this way and that. He did not look concerned... it felt as though was working to solve a puzzle. He did not want to cross the street without me because he knows the danger. I told him to get in the truck and he sat not sure of what was going on so I said nothing. When we came home he was ready for his treats but I thought the timing was not appropriate. I want him to stay conscientious in keeping responsibility when it comes to looking out for each other. Deep down I knew it was all about me. it is the holiday season, prime time for me to be self destructive, I must care more about life in every way, be especially aware. This was the time of year that I busted my hand over Boner eleven years ago. I do not want to forget what was behind all of that. I was beating myself up and using my most loving relationship to do that. Last night, I may have just walked away from Boner telling myself he was not there. This is possible. I may have been setting myself up for hell. Thank God i was able to keep a grip on true reality, stayed away from drama, projection, negativity, thoughts of failure, loss. Thank God my dog has good sense too. I am reminded how it is now necessary to for me to additionally compensate more attention towards Boner with his aging as we go through life together.

Later on we spent some time laying with each other in a space of quietness.

February 01, 2007

Bo is sometimes contrary even to his own discontentment. It could be just passive aggressive behavior, or control issues, maybe a dominance tactic to see how many time he can make me give the command... I would tell him to jump up into bed with me and he give a look of anticipation but not do it. I would make like I was lifting the covers to create momentum for him, I'd do it like four times and if he did nit jump I would let him suffer the consequences and just turn out the light and go to bed. I really suffered the consequences too. I just did not have the desire to try a new way or figure out the trick that was needed to get him to jump up the first time. He would make a movement of sound to let me know he was disappointed, but still not come up; he would go sleep on his rug by the end of the bed. When Bo did jump into bed with me, I would lift the covers up, which was the signal to jump up, and then throw them over both of us. Sometimes when I really wanted him to be with me I would command him with first lifting the covers, then waiting a second to give the "come" command, then a few more seconds and I would command "up". That would always work. Boner had always listened to the "come" command when I am serious.

January 31, 2007

OK I am back to dumping past thoughts for a future book. I would like to have Boner's head in my shoulder when we sleep together and he would like to have his ass in my face. I used to think he was just trying to be dominant but then I realized he was more or less boxed in this position and he more so wanted to be positioned to watch the room and be ready to fly out the door if necessary, watchdog stuff, and if he had to lay close to me under my arms so be it as long as he was faced in the right direction. Boner also is not keen on the idea of being smothered by me all night, he needs his space, and he does not want to deal with my tossing and turning. We finally established a compromise when the lights go out he would lie with me until I fell asleep, go through my first turn away from him and when I did my second turn back that was his cue to get off onto the floor where he goes to sleep on his rug. When we go to bed at night the signal I gave him to jump up on the bed is both verbal and physical. I pat on the bed twice as I say, "up". Somehow, the patterning got mixed up in the beginning because he does not immediately jump up. Either he thinks he is not allowed from early training or "it only takes one time" when he was pushed off once maybe he thought it was meant for every time.

January 30, 2007

Bo must have eaten something naughty during our walk this morning; he scoffs up stuff from the ground while on the fly. His stomach is gurgling intensively and he did not eat his food. It was getting on my nerves because I had not eaten my food and his gurgling was nagging me. Also, I was having a tendency to take responsibility for his gurgling. Should I have watched closer while we were walking? Was his stomach turning because my stomach is turning, is he picking up my nervousness? When am I going to take care of myself with eating? Why am I so afraid? Anyway, I am feeling some fear about my immediate future and that has in the past created a need to take control... of anything that I can get a handle on! My taking control over outside stimuli has NEVER helped anything so I am consciously working to not control, and to simply stay in the moment. So of course, Boner is sitting next to me gurgling away and I do not have any control over helping him. I am also trying to be conscious of ANY control issues. Well, Boner's gurgling is making me insane. I thought, "in the moment", "love", "do not let time take you away" "give time". (presently I am having a tendency to feel rushed with not enough time) So, I went over to lie down with my best buddy and cuddled close. I got up and turned off the television. No sound just the two of us "being". What joy. I lay with Bo and caressed his face and stroked his head tenderly with my hands. We stared at each other so close our noses touched. We just laid and "be" together, still. His stomach did not gurgle once. I was doing this because I have had the experience of perfect life with Bo, the most real and most potent experience in my life so far... of being at ground zero. I have had the closest "in the moment" experience of my life just "being with Bo. I will never forget it; it was a feeling of total bliss. The pure simplicity of being. I began to speak to him with the usual affirmations of how wonderful he is and how happy I am that he is with me. Then I realized that this was the love and tenderness that my mother gave to me. There was an equal amount of fear associated with it as my baby sister had died shortly before from a crib death. My mom was giving me all her love and fear, pure intensity of love and fear together and at once. She had fear of losing me (still a baby at two) because she lost Pamela and she loved me intensely. This was a deep understanding for my life. I immediately turned the switch in my brain to associate the love that I was feeling with Bo, associate that love with pure joy. I was loving Boner with the fear of my day. I want to love Boner with the joy of my day. Cool stuff, and I am experiencing progress always.

January 29, 2007

In the beginning, I taught Boner that he was not allowed on the bed unless I was also in it or he was invited. He tested me on only a few occasions and I acted like he was being silly and telling him to get off. He never tried it again after only a couple of times. He knows the bed is mine, and my territory. He still attempts to dominate the territory when he shares it with me. When I used to fall asleep, he would try to push me off the bed in a slow inching process throughout the night. I just pushed him off completely when it got out of hand he eventually stopped it because he wanted to stay in it. Also, I would wake to find him in the opposite direction with his feet pressed against me like he was pushing me away or to push me off the bed, whatever, distancing himself. As time progressed and I got myself some open mindedness I realized that he was not necessarily trying to push me off he was just trying to be comfortable. He needed to toss and turn as I do so he would switch sides lay on his left then in a couple hours move to his right, sometimes on his stomach for awhile, etc... I realized I was being a bit unfair wanting him to lie in one position the whole night. So eventually, we started out in one position and when he wanted to change, I adjusted to give him his space on the bed.

January 28, 2007

I am dumping fragments of writing for a book. The search ... a commitment for the life time of the dog ... willingness to obey leash laws ... can and will provide the meals ... be home spend time with him ... willing to exercise ... train right ... pay for tests and visits ... ...patience and sincere desire for constant companionship ... how I picked his name ... reincarnation possibilities ... didn�t want a docile dog I wanted some spunk not too much but a mind of his own. I put allot energy more than most to have this dog as he is. Why I choose a male. The traits I was looking for in a dog. I like the aggressive and stubborn qualities. The thoughts on where to buy what to buy... older dog verses puppy, Male or female ... spayed or neutered, allowing him to have a full life vs. calmed down. The pressure from people and fanatics would not have swayed me. Pure bred genetically weak ... Dealing with other peoples problems from spca ... Breeders houses too good for me ... expense ... weight ... diseases ... selecting ... what breed? Male or Female? Where to get a dog the choices I went through. How I went about it Puppy vs. Pound Dog history Roots Pedigree. Begin with the process of looking. I found Boner in the cellar of a run down decaying pet shop.

January 27, 2007

I am so into dumping info. Everything I wrote this past year is just a first draft and there is no outline here for anything yet. Through the years I have written notes about what I would write in a book someday and I want it all in one place. I have been publishing all my raw creative input because I want to show the process of what is being created... as it happens... training (sound commands) ... confinement ... the den ... cage training ... riding in the truck ... riding in the car ... in the beginning ... playing while driving ... knowing the red lights while driving ... stop and go on seat ... bracing himself ... sleeping knowing the route and when to get up automatically ... waiting for me the different situations ... hot days ... the heater for warm ... my clothes for sent while waiting ... peeing and shitting ... jamming on the breaks for him to sit ... not jumping out when the door... greeting and saying i�ll be right back ... watching reactions constantly ... reading him... anticipating anything ... only once Bo almost fell out of the back when bricks slid back and scared him ... needs ... discipline ... there was certain behaviors that I had considered absolutely necessary when accepting the responsibility of having a dog. As time moves forward the absolutes gave way to just necessary stuff ... I found limits with the energy of what i could deal with in what I wanted. ... I need for him to come when called ... to stay with me when walking etc... how he is integrated into my schedule ... keeping him close walking or running ... size issues

January 26, 2007

Fragments of thoughts... I found these and wrote them about the first year... none of these thoughts were valid after the second year.... Walks good on leash but would like him to walk next to me without leash... (has not had leash or collar for ten years) Will not run to people if watched and warned... (knows better now) Will stay away from other animals if really warned (no need for warning now)... Does not always obey on first command... (almost always obeys) When totally loose will run and jump on people uncontrollably... (rarley) Will pee from excitement when meeting people (never) Stays in cage good at night till I wake (no cage) can hold pee and shit for at least 10 hrs... (if he had to) Thinks other people will save him... (sometimes) Sits - Comes - Lays down - Stays - Stays in back of car for up to 2 hours... (?) Paw on leg, head on leg when riding, he shows allegiance to me after verbal fight with someone, (i never fight anymore) ass direction, play paws on ground stance, stamping foot to get attention... Best things about bo - he is...

January 25, 2007

Fragments of thoughts... Bo learned to stay on the piano for periods at a time as he used to hang out on top of my filing cabinet where when he was young... Bo has always had many toys... Boner enjoys hiding things... I got Bo at 8 weeks in the pet store where he was delivered the day before... He was sold as a Lab/Retriever mix.... He was very stubborn but gave in if I had the patience which I usually forced myself to have when challenged.... I spend decent amounts of time with Boner wherever I went, I work at home so he is with me at work and during leisure time. I do go out often but I take him with me all of the time... Running around the football track...

January 24, 2007

Fragments of thoughts� Boner has had a problem with taking a command and sticking with it for example when I say sit he would for 2 seconds then get up...now I have to say sit...stay...or reinforce several times any other command which causes the problem of repeating myself over and over for certain one word commands... As a pup I encouraged him to accomplish things like running up the down the stairs for the first time...we used to play the game of putting a sock on him and he would get out of it...tying clothes on him and he would escape. He liked these games because they were challenging and he always won... We had stubborn situations when learning to come that lasted up to an hour and a half till he came...I found out after time that I did not need to reinforce the command he could wait for a full hour without a word and then reluctantly come.

January 23, 2007

WOW! I have just noticed that I have written something about Boner everyday for a year now. There is more but my time is limited and this section I am going to switch over to the message boards in a few weeks. Still there are thoughts I want to remember to write and I do not want to forget about not one of them so I am going to just list phrases so I have then as I do a second draft of this years writing....

Boner does remember...when he was young and I would go out and then come home and look at him with pleasure then look at a bad deed done he would immediately cower.... Walking and staying with me... As a pup I could walk around the neighborhood with him staying right with me (he was still insecure)... I would practice on and off the leash...he always pulled on the leash even though I would try the chocker jerks...the stopping and starting...as well as the turning techniques... I complimented him in the beginning when appropriate at all times until he started to respond every time as though the compliment was a release from the command and then I had to compliment him with consideration.

January 22, 2007

After I gave up the control battle of Boner's walking directly next to me and never a micro inch forward of my foot, I used his walking ahead of me as a game to make myself walk faster for exercise to keep up with him. Sometimes it made him nervous because he thought he was doing something wrong and I was out to get him when he realized I was picking up my speed. There were times when I did chase him in the house when he was really young. Eventually we worked things out together but it was not until I took my big fall with my hand break. I wrote about that sometime ago.

January 21, 2007

I always let Boner know what a good boy he has been after an obedient walk. If he were bad a little I would acknowledge him while just leaving out the word good. If he was down right bad after I got him in the house I would say, "you were bad go away from me." I'd leave him alone for awhile then later on I begin to be friendly telling him to come lay next to me and hold him or something I would start talking to him. I always knew it was a lot of ask of Bo to walk with me without the leash and I know when he really is having a problem with it in the beginning. He even liked the leash at times because it took the pressure off him to behave. He liked the structure. I respected his ability and willingness to walk with me because I realize he had allotted more energy than I did and it was not comfortable to walk so slowly.

January 20, 2007

In the beginning of his being off his leash I used to keep Bo next to me with a constant, "Bo, stay with me" until I realized he was training me to repeat myself over and over every five steps. One day after about a year and a half, I swatted him on the ass with his chain to stay with me. It was just hard enough to make a surprisingly strong impression. He yelped for the first time. I caught him in the exact split second of his �I'm going for it, I'm going forward� thought. From that day on I never have had the need to open my mouth when he start going too fast, I just jiggled the chain and his ears would fly back as far as possible and he would slow up. Unfortunately, he was walking with me out of fear of what might happen, but eventually it was not out of fear it was out of submission. That is what the ears back communication was about.

January 19, 2007

Every time we walked Bo would work his way in front of me. I would wait until he reached a certain length and then give him a hard yank on his chain. I had to mean it or he would constantly negotiate for grey areas of obedience and adjust his tolerance level making me yank harder to get him to do what I wanted. I did not want to have the need to yank his head off to do what I wanted him to do. I tried to negotiate with anger and being mad at him. He negotiated back with an amazing ability to stay in line walking exactly with the tip of my show all the while acting like he was not paying attention but as soon as I would stop paying full attention he would ease forward again. We both came to a final compromise with his walking exactly one dog length in front of me. Who knows why he had this need, protection, dominance, or some other instinct? Whatever, I was trying to not be so anal about everything.

January 18, 2007

I initially wanted Boner to walk a step behind but he would not have that. Now I need to constantly remind him that I want him in front of me. He learned that when he is behind he could do more of whatever he would like to do, like eating any raccoon poop that he might find. During the early days when walked together on a chain Bo would literally micro manage his way in front of me, which I did not want. I thought dogs were supposed to walk next to you and if he was up front that meant he was claiming dominance, which would only lead to more dominance until I had no control over him. Boy, was I messed up with my thinking back then.

January 17, 2007

I was very careful to not physically reprimand Boner because I did not want an animal to be afraid to come to me when reprimanding. When walking on a chain in the beginning Boner was a terror. He could not contain himself. I was also a terror with a chocker chain. No matter how tough I was with him using the chocker chain Bo would always be tougher. He would not be tamed even if he was going to hurt himself.

January 16, 2007

I have created this verbal habit for when Boner starts to go off course while walking. It would be scary and gross to someone who might hear it for the first time. It is like as harsh loud sharp guttural growl, a clearing of the throat sound followed with quick repetitious snapping loud, "hey, hey, what are you doing get over here Bo! Bo!' It grows until I interrupt his train of thought and with Bo it has to be pretty harsh to get his attention. He then comes running over half cowering and I tell him to sit to get control over the situation. He drops like a lead pipe would drop. If it was an exceptionally scary departure from good behavior I say lay down to make sure he knows who the boss is.

January 15, 2007

In the beginning when walking, I would have Boner off the leash but I always needed to keep ahead of his thoughts. I used to try to have him walk to the left of me so I could catch him if he started a dash into the street. I taught him that when he walks on the sidewalk it is with me. When on grassy areas he can run free. We often still test each other with our trust and limits, we both want to exercise our mindfulness of each other. Bo will see how far way he can get away from me before I call for him and then he usually respects that boundary line until next time. He will always take it to the limit. When he comes to a street corner, Bo knows not to cross until I give the verbal command to cross.

January 14, 2007

Oh God, I have been writing about boner for almost a year. Repeats are inevitable, just more to edit later on. I remember making more out of everything than necessary through the first two years of interacting with Bo. Everything was such a challenge, oh my. When it came to walking as a pup, I thought how wonderful it was that this was one problem I would not have to deal with. He always stayed by my side. It was a natural gift to me in the training sequence until....one day to my astonishment, he took off. It was not a pretty scene and I was very careful because I knew.... and Boner knew.... who had the advantage in the situation. Every manipulation in the book came to my conscious surface and in my panic, I tried to use them all at the same time. I went from angry... "BO! Come here! to... Hi dear little fellow want to play? to... Please, please come here, to... commands like... SIT! to... I'm going to kill you if I get you, to... I'm leaving now. I got caught in the ridiculous "catch me if you can" game. And there was no way I was going to win. continued...

January 13, 2007

I have realized that Bo acts as I act. If he is not behaving well, it is because I am not behaving well. If I want him to do something like fetch a stick and he will not do it, Boner is not the one who needs to change his behavior I am. I need to approach the desired results differently or in a different manor. I must keep trying something new until it works, until I get it right and then when I get it right stick with that. This is where I have lost patience and have given up... on something as simple as the "fetch". Boner fetches and sometimes he brings it back and sometimes he does not. Sometimes he tries to get me to chase him for it. There is no consistency with his behavior because I have not had the patience to develop the consistency that he needs. It is all about me, really. Of course, this is one of many lines of thought. The more lines of thought, the more ways to solve the solutions of behavior, the better the chances of the desired result. The trick is once I find an answer stick with it unless Boner decides down the line that he needs or wants a new answer. In that case, if I want him to continue with the desired result then I need to change my ways again. It is a matter of how much I am willing to change to get the desired results. How much am I willing to adjust myself to the situation? Man, oh man that is a tuff one.

January 12, 2007

continued... I want to say to some people with anger... If you really care about my dog and how he is being treated... if you were truly a sensitive person with appropriate concerns you would notice: He is not life less, His tail wags, He responds to you, He is friendly and not afraid, He does not cower away from attention, He's not barking, He's not biting, He's not jumping all over or down and running off, He's affectionate, He has food, He has water, He is close to his owner.

January 11, 2007

continued... I understand that on seeing Bo some people have a need to express that they care about the welfare of animals, or they are just trying to connect with me on some level. I can deal with that no problem. Then there are those who having absolutely no insight into our lives seeing only the surface moment projecting their fears onto me, They see this cute lovable dog and they worry. I think it is egotistical. They do not really care about Boner, they do not even look at him long enough to see if he looks abused, or is angry, depressed, or unhappy. They don't care that he has the best lookout spot, is constantly attentive to people, doesn't want to jump off, is constantly looking for that sneaky slip of a sausage from someone who doesn't care to know if it will do him harm or not. They would rather be pessimistic then see that he has a great self-image having a job where he brings so much joy to people. Pessimistic people would never think... maybe the music is like a mother singing to her child the same lullaby over and over (I'm getting carried away)... ok, one more day of this...

January 10, 2007

continued... So, while I have started to share my private rantings about people giving me trouble concerning Bo, I am going to finish sharing and go for the full load. I am afraid because someone might hit me over the head for putting this out to the world but "it is what it". I deal with all types. I came home one night and wrote this... "If you are the type of person that knows no other form of relating but to communicate by complaining or expressing presumptuous concerns of fear... If you have the inability to restrain your projections onto me and you have a need to dump... if you have personal issues that need resolving may I suggest you take the energy that you are dumping on me and refocus it. Get yourself a real set of balls and the courage to address your own personal abuse, mistreatment, lack of consideration emotionally or physically and go verbally address the parent of a child like yourself who needs you and is unable to speak for himself. Wowa, I am going to stop here and continue tomorrow...

January 09, 2007

continued from yesterday... Dear friend, I love my dog very much. I believe I would risk my life if necessary to save my dog because I care for him as a loving companion on a very deep level. He has a healthy fear of me as I do of him. We respect each other. He is first and foremost an animal and not a human being. I am not interested in your projecting the autobiography of your personality on to me. Because you would not have the patience or balance to perch on the piano, because you would not like people constantly petting you and cooing all over you, because you don't like the music or it is too loud for what you deem suitable does not mean my dog thinks or feels the same way you do. You are ignorant to the fact of whether my dog prefers to sit or lay in the sun or the shade. You are clueless as to whether this dog is sitting on the piano because he is forced to or he likes it as it gives the best and biggest viewpoint. It is wrong to presume my dog does not enjoy all the attention he can get and it is plain stupid. A person would have to be senseless to not to be able to interpret his responses as happiness. As far as pursuing any further communication with me... I like that saying.... I always forget how it goes.... If you can't say anything nice.... just shut up? hahaha.... stupid stuff, I know.

January 08, 2007

In the early days with Boner, people would drive me crazy with their nerve to question my caring of him. They would never dream of confronting someone with a child whom they were projecting as being handled abusively... because they would be too afraid to... but a dog... hmmm... never could figure that one out. My troubles in this regard have always, one hundred percent come from women. I wonder of women do it to other women? Sometimes it feels like people are just using the topic to start a conversation. If that is the case, it is stupid. I know that some women have tried to flirt with me that way. It is like yea... lets start out the relationship as dysfunctionally as possible, it will make for good sex. I found an old writing... and I know it sounds adolescent and not very intelligent but it is what is so I am going to show it. I wrote it about ten years ago. My mind set is very different now from what it was then. continued...

January 07, 2007

For the last ten years, Boner has not needed a collar or leash. He wears a red collar as "dress up" for special occasions and he has a very special hand made necklace that he likes to wear once in a while that was given to him from a friend we met during our tour to the hurricane areas down South. For black tie affairs, he wears a bow tie. Rarely are we are in a situation where it is dangerous or where the people are so anal that he must have a leash on but it happens maybe twice a year. When he was young, I used to keep him on a short leash when we walked, and I used a longer leash for when I left him on a post. I used a chocker chain for a while and even one of those barker collars for about two days. Even writing that makes me ill. I was doing the best that I knew to do at the time. He wears a sweater when he is to sit still in the cold or if it is icy out. He does not need a sweater in the snow his hair does not even get wet. He likes to be nude and I like it too.

January 06, 2007

I am gong to list some of my first concerns for having a dog in my life. I wanted my dog to be able to travel with me and to act appropriate while with me, in social situations and while he is by himself. I did not want him to dig in the yard and to do his "duty" when I needed him to do it for travel and environmental reasons reasons. For example, I wanted to teach him to mark his territory outside a friend's house and not inside so he had to learn that if he did not go to the bathroom before coming inside he was not going to come inside. I wanted him to learn to not chew on things that did not belong to him for obvious reasons. I never planned for Bo to sit on the piano while I was working but I did want him to sit in the cab and to be attentive to the fact that I was performing. I wanted him to be able to tell me when he had to go to the bathroom. I wanted him to learn the inappropriate spots to relieve himself.

January 05, 2007

The aging process concerning sight is very interesting indeed. I experience it for myself as frustrating at times and deal with it as best I can. With Boner, I am conscious to allow him his sight issues to deal with in his own way as best as he can. I want to interfere as little as possible unless he asks for my help or truly needs my help. I do not want to interject myself into his needs, needlessly. We often walk at night and I am trying to switch that up more to make it for different times of the day so Bo can to have the best quality of life possible. Ideally, I would like for him and myself to experience life morning, noon and night. He does not see as well in the dark anymore in fact when we are on the truck he cannot see to jump up onto the piano and is very cautious when jumping down from it. Bo is fine on the piano in the dark as long as there are no nearby disturbing noises to be surprised with say for example, fireworks. Bo on the truck at night with fireworks no longer is in our life picture. It was ok when he was younger but not any longer. He freaks.

January 04, 2007

Here is a typical example of how I need to catch myself with my thoughts and care towards Boner. When I wake up in the morning Bo either waits for me to go to him to give a morning hug to him in his bed or if I jump into the shower I will come out to find him in the hallway waiting for me. If Bo is in my room when I get up, after I get out of bed he rolls onto his back on the floor so I can give him a belly rub with my foot. Of course, I need to hold onto the bedpost so I do not fall over, as I am not yet quite awake. Bo waits for me before going down stairs in the morning. This morning I ran down to get the coffee going and did some plant watering without bothering Bo and he did not hear me get up. After about fifteen minutes I watched him from my living room as he slowly walked to my bed tail wagging, looking for me and trying to sniff me out. I thought, "he didn't hear me get up for the first time, he is not aware that I am watching him... ok this is because he is getting old, his hearing is going, his awareness of his environment is dying." It is not necessary for me to think this way. The fact is I was quieter than normal this morning. Also, the same thing might have happened on other mornings had I not gone into his room to wake him up. He might have been more tired than usual this morning. Once again, I want to remind myself to simply observe over a period of time.

January 03, 2007

Boner's bedroom gets really cold in the winter. I should know, it was once my bedroom. In the room I now use there a space heater and I would think Boner would want to come and sleep on his New Zealand Lamb's Wool rug, under the low growing palm tree by the foot of my bed in the warmth. Sometimes I wonder if he "gets it." I have tried to tell him. Every once in a while I will wake to find him there but all and all he still seems to prefer his bed in the cold rather than sleep in the warmth on the floor. It is another one of those things where I need to let him work it out for himself. In the old days for no reason I would try to make him sleep where I thought it was better for him to sleep. I was too controlling and that was not a good thing, never was, never will be. Ever since I let go of that kind of behavior I now try to let go of the "figuring it all out" head trips I can put myself through for nothing concerning Bo.

January 02, 2007

Sometimes I just need to let Boner work things out for himself. Examples... He did not eat the day before yesterday. He thought about it because I saw him go over to his food and he walked by it several times. I put it in front of him at work several times. Was it because his nerves were bad from the chaos of the job? When we came home after the job, I offered him some steak and bread to try and stimulate his appetite. He only ate the steak, which was very unusual. Was he working me for better food? Is it because his broken fang is hurting? Did he just not feel like eating? Did someone sneak him a taco or did he find poop from the ground and did not feel good because of t? I could go on and on, bottom line... Right before we went to bed, I put the food bowl up on the counter for the next morning because I did not want him to eat and then go to bed. The next day when he got hungry enough he ate. I took him for a short walk to stimulate his appetite and that did the trick. Maybe that was the problem, he had been inactive and the more inactive he is the motivation for anything he has. I sometimes do not eat for a day to cleanse my system. When Boner does not eat for a day that is when I begin to observe, if he does not eat anything or two full days I will become wary, three days... I will try to get him to eat with something he cannot resist and if that does not work, I will call a few friends and try to get some assistance and if that does not work, I will take him to the vet.

January 01, 2007

It was important for me in the beginning to make sure that Bo did not become a beggar where food is concerned. I wanted him to leave me and everyone else alone with our food. One thing I did to create good food habits with Boner was to always and consistently leave him alone with HIS food. When he started sitting in front of me to stare me down while I was eating I used to make him feel stupid by realizing that he was torturing himself. I would exaggerate how much I was enjoying what I was eating with sounds and movement while making it clear at the same time that there was no way in hell he would ever get any. I never give him food from my plate. There has always been a distinction between his food and mine even if it is the same food. I will put it into his bowl and he will not see that it came from my plate. When I would go into my act because of his stare down, he would get disgruntled with my mockery of his attempt and then lay right in front of me with his head pointed away. I would tell him that he needed to move away farther. He would move an inch away. I would tell him he had to move far, far away. His response was, "if I have to move far away I'm leaving the room." He began doing that when I sit down to eat in the beginning and still does. The behavior is reinforced when I get a pizza. If I am having pizza Boner knows he will always get the crust, his favorite treat if he behaves appropriately so the first thing he does when I bring pizza into the house is to make sure that I see he is going to leave me alone. He will come up to me and then leave the room several times as to say, "look I am going to be a good boy please do not forget to save me some." I always do and he trusts that I will be consistent. He waits patiently and I know it is a challenge for him. He leaves me alone until I call him.

December 31, 2006

Bo has gone through many periods of change with his food eating habits. He used to eat half of the food in his bowl every morning and save the other half for mid-day and then for many years he ate the whole bowlful first thing in the morning. He went through a phase where he would drink water in the morning and then throw it up after his first run in the yard but that phase passed. He would eat and then go outside to eat grass. If Boner eats a lot of food and then goes jumping around of course, he will throw that up so I do not encourage activity right after a meal. When he does not eat, I have used treats to stimulate his appetite but as he got older, that did not work. He would just wait for more treats. Exercise has sometimes stimulated Bo's appetite. If he starts the habit of not eating, I wait until he eats his food before giving him any food treats. It may take awhile but he always gets the message. Boner really "works me" with his eating habits. If he knows we are going on a job, he will hold off eating hoping that people will feed him better stuff. If he gets something while on a job, he will not eat the next day to hope for or communicate that he wants more of the junk he had from the past job. Sometimes I think he plays sick so I will get worried and give him better food (which means more fat and less nutrition) to make him eat.

December 30, 2006

I was watching Boners tail today on as he laid on the piano. It was dangling in front of me. Boner has a wonderful tail. It is bushy. I think he likes it. He uses it to cover his nose from the cold when he sleeps. It seemed extra long today. I wonder if it is still growing. I know I have been watching my ears grow as I get older. I know they will never stop growing until I die. Do dog's tails continue to grow their whole life long like our ears do?

December 29, 2006

I found a vet for Boner. I have been dealing with his broken fang. The vet I thought I had found... sold his business. Last night when Bo and I were playing, I thought I smelled from Bo the infected mouth smell that I have had myself in the past and that gave me a push to make some immediate decisions about the tooth. I would just do what was needed for this tooth whatever the cost. A route canal cost about $1400. If I start this kind of stuff what do I do sell my house for it all? I went to my sixth vet hospital and asked if someone could see my dog. They asked what was wrong and I told them. Then I asked if anyone knew of him, as he is loved by so many people. Bingo. The dog from the Ambler parade! Then the doctor happened to walk into the room and showed interest and concern. It was not all about money, I could tell. She even used the word "practical" concerning decisions. She said they could do a route canal if needed but it would probably be best to remove the tooth if something had to be done considering the cost and that Boner would not use it for much more than four years anyway... if you catch my drift. That made sense to me. I need someone who will help guide me through this aging process with Bo, someone with a practical attitude. With other vets I felt the attitude of, "just put him down he is only an animal" or " well, if you want him to live... you need to do this, this or this $$$..." (guilt, confusion, bewilderment, money). This doctor even walked out to the parking lot to check his tooth on the spot and said everything seemed fine for now. This gesture meant a lot to me and gave me faith and hope that I have found support for my future needs concerning Bo. I wonder if they would have charged me if I went back inside to the office. I needed a gesture that was non financial for trust... so I did not ask about it and just left. What goes around comes around so I'll make sure of that when the opportunity to do so arises.

December 28, 2006

I am listing thoughts and words in relationship to this book I am writing... intelligence, praise, discipline, sleeping, confinement, cage, recreation, poop and pee, work, obedience, sensitivity and... concerning health counseling that I have done, Boner's mental health, training and obedience classes, attack training, veterinarians, spirituality, trust, the search, communication, personality, his individuality, the endearing things that he does... affection... I am dumping my thoughts. I want to write about Bo's physical exercise his food, his eating, and my eating in relation to him, his treats, my treats in relation to him and his grooming.

December 27, 2006

More thoughts about this book I am writing... I want to write about Boner's behavior from his point of view as well as from my point of view, his habits both good and bad. Bo really has very few bad habits. I want to notate his animal instincts the fun ones and not so fun ones. In addition, his animalistic nature as a pack animal, his submissive urination, aggressive nature, maternal ways, and how territorial he is. I want to write about Boner's breeding, his background, how he is a working dog (with the truck and me as an owner) and his resting habits at night how, when and where as well as during the day inside and outside. As far as the working dog aspects, how I helped ready him for life with the truck and all about his first truck ride. continued...

December 26, 2006

I have been writing about Boner everyday with the anticipation of creating a book. Therefore, with Boner in mind I want to list some of the thoughts about this book. I want to acknowledge people who have helped me with Boner throughout the years. Do I want this book from my point of view, from Boner's point of view or from some other point of view. I would like to approach the book as much as possible from a stream of consciousness. I want to include some of my background. I want to really make a point of the word, "respect." I want to talk about bonding and friendship from both my side of relating and also from Boner's side of relating. continued...

December 25, 2006

It is Christmas and Boner and I had a good Christmas morning walk in together before the rain. Exercise is most important for him as it is for me. The air had a feeling of peacefulness and I enjoyed the cold and clouds with Bo today. I have never tried to make Boner feel more special on Christmas or any holiday. I suppose part of that is in realizing that anything I would do special for Bo is really for me and not for him. I do not need for Boner to feel special on Christmas and Boner does not need or want specialness on holidays. He wants specialness everyday and why not? I can tell you that I feel special in having Boner with me on days like today. Boner is a special life force and keeps me full of his gratitude.

December 24, 2006

Boner is an old guy now and I must remember that. When I see him slowing up I must think about that fact as natural, the way it should be and the way it is. Natural is good. I must be more considerate with his physical abilities and be patient with the time that he takes. I must not panic as I see changes, not go into a drama mode. I want to appreciate his aging process and accept it gracefully. I want to accept each change on every level for what it is and not apply doom to each and everything that happens. I want to keep repeating these thoughts to myself because none of these thoughts come natural to me, I have had to learn them, accept them and put them into my mind and the only way they are going to stay there is for me to keep writing and talking them through.

December 23, 2006

Boner loves people, that is easy to see and his tolerance of people's behavior has even grown with his age. Who would have guessed that?! The only people Bo is wary of are people who stand and stare at him, people who look like they are stalking him or look threatening. We were out walking while a group of young kids were walking by. Boner always has been most attracted to young men but if they are drunk or on drugs he avoids them like the plague. If them comes towards him with, "hey boy, how you doin', you friendly?... Bo's hairs rise on his back while he tries to circumvent them. I think he senses their unpredictable aggression. He has detected the difference between people who are sober or high with a one hundred percent tract record since he was a pup.

December 22, 2006

Boner is not eating regularly. He has not eaten today and it is 6:30pm. If I spice up the food for him he probably will eat it. I have done that several times this week. I do not know what to do. I am trying to figure out if he is just being finicky, does not feel like eating or if he is sick. Making decisions has always been difficult for myself let alone for someone else. It is raining and he sleeps all day in the rain, I am wondering if that has anything to do with it. There does not seem to be a change with his tooth area that broke off, but that might have something to do with it. I just need to observe a bit and not panic I suppose. I am going to soften his food for the next couple of days to make sure it is not the tooth. Maybe he ate poop while we were out walking today and is not hungry from that.

December 21, 2006

I took Boner to the vet today for his broken tooth. I called some friends this morning who had mentioned a dog hygienist in the past who recommended a good vet. I really have a problem with the veterinary prices. They charged me $2.50 more than the regular visit because I came in without an appointment. I thought, "Just charge a damm fifty dollars for the damm visit already and stop the nickel and dime-ing. I do not know how the vets can rightfully justify charging more for a checkup then my own doctor charges me for my checkup. They all seem to be out of control. Four hundred dollars to check his tooth? There must be another way. They tell me, "well first we have the visit to pay for and then we have to clean the teeth it order to check the tooth and then we need to give him anesthesia to do that and then there is the x-ray which "might" be good enough to get a diagnosis from and then there will be additional costs on top of the four hundred if we need to pull the tooth or if the tooth is still alive we can do a root canal which will cost a minimum of a one thousand dollars more..." All of this pisses me off! I want to curse right now but then I would need to deal with even more crap from readers. I do not need any more crap right now. I am so overwhelmed and confused with what is best for the situation and most importantly I love my buddy so much and all this stuff is bringing up the inevitable story of this physical life that there is a beginning and there is an end. He is twelve years old. How responsible am I to be for Boners suffering and how do I step aside from my own suffering (my fear and loss concerning him) to help him as best that I can? I must begin now to separate money from all the equations.

December 20, 2006

Boner has chipped his upper right fang. I noticed about five days ago his eating habits changed. The tooth must be sensitive. Half of it is gone. Are there doggie dentists? Is he having a problem chewing his food? Also, when he played with his plastic toy "treat ball" he gave up on it before it was emptied of treats. Last night when we were playing, I noticed his lip was uneven and then I found out. I am very upset of course. After much thought I realized it must have been from this plastic treat ball. Bo is a very determined dog and probably got over excited in trying to crack it open. I am saddened that his playing with the ball is done with. It really bothers me not knowing whether he is hurting or not so, I must go to the vet tomorrow. I want to be able to accept his aging process and everything that goes with it. I want to focus on his ongoing abilities and not on his growing limitations.

December 19, 2006

I got pissed off today while with Boner but it did not last very long. Someone started to give Bo Christmas cookies. I was in an awkward situation with work and business. I asked the woman to please not continue to give them to him so she went into another room where of course Boner followed. I was not able to see what was going on and to busy to make sure he stayed with me. Because of this self-centered behavior, Boner is now starving himself from his food in the hope that an incident such as this will repeat itself repeatedly today. I hope that he will not have diarrhea later on. Even after explaining the facts to people like this, they continue to not have the ability to care and be interested outside of their own desires. On a better note... Bo has been sending his very sensitive and tender energy towards me. I can feel it. I am sure it is because I am having some difficulty with the holidays. This experience is not new. This has happened many times through our twelve-year partnership. When I am feeling extra emotionally needy Boner has the ability to validate a sense of being together with me. He reassures me simply by making himself more available than usual. He gives himself up to me. If I want to hold him, he attaches himself with a stronger feel than usual. He lies nearby to let me know he is present without being intrusive. He keeps still, more still than usual as to not create chaos but to exemplify peacefulness. When I stroke his fur, he returns the gesture with the licking of the palm of my hand.

December 18, 2006

Boner needed a break from the piano and the loving attention of craving people as he had been working strong for the last few days. I could tell he was getting more and more tired from the way he jumped down from the piano and out of the truck. Also, his eyes started looking deeper and he was sleeping more. I was going to take him up with me to New York for the day but I think some down time with my niece was a healthier choice. Of course, he would prefer to be with me under any and all conditions but keeping his health up won out. I left his food with her and two pieces of unwashed clothing so that he could have my smell around him if he was left alone. He keep going to the door to look for me throughout the day and when I came to pick him up at night he came to the door slowly as he had been sleeping. It took him a few moments to realize it was I and then the steady tail wag began. He could not resist a short bark and I think it came out of a sense of frustration more than happiness. He became really happy when I gave him the corn beef I brought back for him from Carnegie deli.

December 17, 2006

If you are expecting to read nice, sweet, loving puppy dog words today you better stop right here because it is reality time. As an older man, Boner is farting and snoring more and more. I wonder if there is such a thing as "Beano" for dogs to help with flatulence. I need help because his "wind" is really, smelly. I am wondering if it is from stress or food, both, just plain old age or could it be something else? His snoring is so loud I can't think when he is laying next to me and I am trying to write. Like right now, I keep yelling every two minutes, "Bo, stop!" I need to use earplugs when I sleep at night. I must look into the trip across country concerning Boner's health. If anyone knows any travel tips concerning "dog care" I would appreciate any knowledge shared. I know his anal glands act up from sitting on the seat too long but I don't know what to do about that. I am not sure I want to know because I think it may have something to do with my necessitating the squeezing of them for him. Please God, no. I do need to address the issue because the smell in the truck becomes atrocious but more importantly I can tell he becomes uncomfortable.

December 16, 2006

Sometimes Boner eats grass. I was told some grass is ok as long as it is not all the time. He is lacking vitamins that he needs? I know nothing about it I just don't encourage it and I never let him eat a strangers grass as it might have chemicals on it. Bo used to eat pigs ears and rawhide bones when he was younger but now he uses them as treasures to hide and Boner is the best bone hider around. I am amazed at how well and deep he can burry and cover a bone and leave the area like it was never touched. When I give him meat for a treat I must hand feed it to him little by little because there is no chewing involved. He inhales it. I give him a vitamin supplement everyday. I thought about using food as a ploy or punishment when he was younger but thank god, I decided never to go there. It would have been a dysfunctional decision in everyway.

December 15, 2006

I am watching Boner closely these days. I want to be sure he is healthy enough to cross country and back. He jumped onto the piano in the dark for the first time since the summer. That was very healthy of him. He wanted to get up on the piano where it was safe and he had control over his environment. There is nothing like incentive, eh? The kids down on the ground were chaotic. At the end of the night he looked at me with a most, "dad, I am really, really tired" look. I must remember that he is an old man even though he does not look it. When he got into the cab of the truck, he began to fart with tuckered out, smelly farts. Not good. He laid his head on my lap and I caressed him lightly the entire way home. It was our quiet time together.

December 14, 2006

Boner is about 37 pounds. People have accused him of being fat when that has never been true. His head is small in proportion to a larger bone structure of his mid-section. Bo looks larger with full body hair. When he is shaved in the summer, no one accuses him of being large. He looks like a pup and in perfect proportion when he is shaved. Bo loves to get shaved; I use buzzing clippers on him. I dread doing it but the job must be done and better by me than a stranger, for Bo's sake. I take my time. I breathe. I experience a great amount of anxiety when I do it as I do not want to hurt him and if I do, it will be the last time. It only takes once for the affects of something bad to last for a lifetime with Bo. We take breaks. The process happens through several sessions. It takes about two hours. Bo is really patient and tolerant about it. He likes the grooming attention to his body but he also is on edge when it is happening and deals with it by totally giving up all control to the point of falling asleep. He zones out for me. Can you imagine the trust he gives to me to fall asleep with electrical buzzing cutting blades roaming all over the sensitive areas of his body? We celebrate when we are done. The process happens on a big white sheet, the cutters on an extension chord. We do it on the living room floor or out in the backyard on the grass. Hair is everywhere. Bo loves to feel naked. He feels renewed and fresh each time he is shaved and has a strange smell to him for the first few days. He loves to get naked body rubs. He suffers when the heat and humidity is too high and his hair is long. The first time I did it too early in the season and he shivered at night. That happened only once. Dogs need their hair to stay cool as well as warm so I need to be very responsible with the timing to keep him comfortable.

December 13, 2006

I have been writing here for almost a year. I have never read over what was written and I am starting to get to the point where it feels like I am starting to repeat myself. I want to keep writing new stuff for a full year and then take some time to reorganize all the words that have been put down to date. I am going to continue with Boner's health and food for a few days. I am careful about reading Boner as in trying to figure him out. I am thinking about treat time. I went to give him one of his favorites, a pizza crust and said for him to roll over, he did it without trouble. We played the same exercise game a few months ago he would not do it... or couldn't do it? It was about the time he stopped jumping on the piano. A few months later, he began jumping on the piano again. I took for granted that he was just too old and could not do it anymore. It might have been he had something physically going on at the time. He might have been trying to communicate that he was not happy and was not going to play. Now I can see it is because he is losing his sight and does not have as much confidence that he can do it. I could sit and think of a hundred different reasons that Boner does what he does or does not do. I suspect everything is a mixture of many reasons. The bottom line is that it is more useful for me to just observe and be open for needs and the answers to come to me rather than for me to dissect the multitude of possibilities. Sometimes as answer is not important I need to just go with the flow.

December 12, 2006

As long as he knows my attention is on him, I always let Boner run free with the other dogs. When free to roam on his own, Bo runs up to another dogs to do the dog sniffing thing but soon after meeting the new dog Bo often ignores it to do his own thing sniffing around on the ground to establish his turf. As he gets older, Boner occasionally will engage in play with other dogs. He is always super sensitive to how another dog wants to be treated and will always leave another dog alone at the slightest signal to do so. Boner seems to have a sporadic on off connection with other dogs in play. He is a baiter. I am pretty sure it is a trait learned somewhat from our own play, as I am a natural teaser. Bo will mill around another dog never looking at it purposely pretending he is otherwise occupied when really he is trying to bait the other dog into a playful confrontation by surprise attack. He loves to crouch on his two front legs in a, "I'm going to get ya, cum on, cum on, try me" type pose as though he is trying to incite a riot. If he sees other dogs in confrontation he is not a, "let me in on it" type of guy, he is definitely an, "I'm outta here", type of guy. Bo does not seem to have a preference with befriending female or male dogs. He has attempted to hump both on occasions. I cannot get a sense of a warm up period with other dogs, it varies with each dog. If another dog is open to play, Boner will come around on his terms. When he runs into a barking dog, Bo does not join in, he gets nervous and moves away. Barking is usually an expression of playfulness with Bo when he gets really excited.

December 11, 2006

I am fairly certain I wrote about this before so I may be repeating myself. When Boner was about three months old, I took him to an urban dog park for his first exposure to the clan. I expected all the people to faun over him and for the other doggies to play nice with the new tot in town. First off, all these city folks all had amazingly good looking dogs, each one seemed more perfect that the next so there seemed to be nothing special about Boner. The other dogs were merciless when the met Bo. They thought Bo was a new chew toy to play with. It was obviously too soon to expose Boner to such a large pack of "play savvy" dogs and it was in too large of an area. The poor guy did not have a chance. He ran to me to save him and then ran away from me to save himself and finally ended up under the truck where no one could reach him. I learned my lesson on that experience but it was too late. Boner became nervous around other dogs and developed a disgusting habit whenever we went to the park. He would love to go to the park, but for the first half hour, he would foam grossly at the mouth a free flow of wet foamy saliva. It would just fall out of his mouth seemingly without thought. It was like he did not even know that he had a constant strip of drool dripping from his head to the ground like loose snot. People will call him over to say hello or come from behind to say hi and he will whip his head around sometimes whipping his foamy heavy drool on an unsuspecting pant leg or hand. People would react with a vocal ewww... and then turn to leave in disgust. It was very embarrassing. I would just look the other way like I did not see anything while hoping he would stop it.

December 10, 2006

Boner's first sign of "fear and fight" is when the hairs on his back to rise straight up. The amount of hair and the height that it rises up depends on the level of alertness and concern. This used to happen all the time whenever he came across other dogs. It happens less and less as the year's progress and as Boner becomes dog friendly with safe situations. He used to freeze still and not move while other dogs sniffed him up. Now Boner is sometimes the sniffer. At other times he and the other dog do the sniff and "circle dance" where they stay "nose to ass" with each other while circling. They are trying to get away from each other but it is not worth losing the front and center smelling experience. Round and round and round they go. I taught Bo not to be aggressive so any aggressive behavior comes from a defensive attitude. When I introduce Boner to another dog, I do it with verbal and lighthearted enthusiasm. I constant reinforce that everything is ok. That is only when I am fairly certain of that fact. I am always on as much alert as Bo is, watching closely as to what is happening because Boner is not a fighter. I am responsible for his safety because of that. I taught him it was not polite to fight. I am not sure if he would be able to defend himself so I am always on guard and for him. I would jump in if necessary, I am sure of it.

December 09, 2006

Boner has a style of communication that I call "the plop." he will typically "plop" his chin on my knee to make a statement or get my attention. He communicates with intensity by applying a pressure on my knee with his chin that is strong and still. Sometimes it is only to make his presence known. He wants some validation. The plop translates into.... I... am... right...here...with...you...Danny... right? He does not do it often and it is always when we are alone. It is a Boner and Danny moment. It is an emotional communication. At other times, the communication comes from a place of need or desire. It is saying, "hey, its treat time, don't forget, I'm ready for my nightly treat or, lets play I am bored." He has also given me the "plop" when he knows I am emotionally stressed and I need some reassurance. He comes over to remind me that he cares. When my friend Kathy died I will never forget sitting down on my kitchen steps and with my hands cupped to my face crying. Boner came up the stairs ever so slowly and sat down next to me while applying his pressure ever so still and with full intent to my side... just to connect. He did not even look at me. We just "be" together. On another similar occasion, he came up to me ever so slowly as I was crying and with a careful, steady and even approach licked a tear from my cheek before retreating to my lap. My buddy has always been there for me in ways that are helpful.

December 08, 2006

Boner and I have a complete visual language with each other. We practice with it. We use stares, glances, tiny eye movement signals, and micro movements. I use piercing glances to get my point across instead of screaming. Of course, all this was only needed for about the first two years. We both have become accustomed to signals and movement to communicate. He tells me he wants something specific by a quick eye glance to whatever and back to me repeatedly. We use micro movements to communicate. We communicate love, bad, directive, demanding, we have wake up looks, appreciation, acceptance etc... Some books say do not ever stare a dog down. I think that depends on knowing if you are in trouble and can be sure that you will lose a battle of some type. I have always worked with gentle looks and try to avoid threatening looks.

December 07, 2006

Boner pooped over two days worth on my office floor last night. So...do I punish him? Do I ignore the fact after cleaning it up? Do I show him my displeasure? How much displeasure? Did he do it to show displeasure with me that I did not take him for his usual walks the last two days where he is used to pooping? Was he being revengeful? Do I retaliate? I did not realize he was not doing it at night before we go to bed and during the day when I let him in the yard or when we go out on errands where he is lose to do his thing. What I did... was become thankful that it was solid and not mushy and therefore easy to clean up. I spread deodorizer around. I let him out as I do in the morning and then got a shovel and pan to pick it up. I took it outside I just looked at him and said this is not "cool". He knows. He has done something like this no more than four times in twelve years, diarrhea yes but poop no. When I got up, I could hear his stomach gurgling and was wondering if something was wrong. Since it was not diarrhea, I will assume he was nervous about the situation. I will let him stay outside a little longer this morning in response and when he comes back inside, I will pretty much ignore what happened. In the old days, I would have shown displeasure until I was sure he suffered from it. That behavior was pre "hand break". You can read about that from the first two years. The overwhelming response needs to be addressed to myself. I have been out of sorts the last two days and even though Bo has been out and about, he has not been on his usual walks where he does his daily pooping. He relates the walks with pooping. I am assuming he will realize that it is the end of the day at night when I say, "ok Bo lets go outside to pee and go to bed". He gets that, but still holds the poop because he trusts my consistency that we will go for the walk and that is when he wants to poop. It does not click that he needs to do it before bed. It clicks in his mind... "we WILL go for the walk so I WILL wait." Until... he just could not wait any longer. He waited over two days! He is a "waiting" type of dog. Over the weekend, he had an unusual variety of treats. For three days, I had to sprinkle grated cheese in his food to get him to eat it. He was waiting for more of the food treat variety. When this type of stuff happens, I need to just let him work it all out himself with slight encouragement and direction, which I did. I need to continue my own consistency on his behalf. I need to continue to ask people during performance not to feed him because he will starve himself while waiting for more of what they just gave him. I need to wait make sure I see him poop outside at night before he comes in if this situation arises again. Bo is the pet animal, I need to be the responsible caretaker.

December 06, 2006

Trust is a major component in Boner's willingness to be obedient. He trusts me as much as an animal can. He trusts how I will react to a situation, any situation because I am consistent and always have been with him. The delivery of commands have needed to be in short phrases, I need to mean them when I say them. Mean what I say and do not say it mean. Have self-confidence in the delivery. I must always avoid repeating the same command repeatedly. The "come" command is the most important to me, I got that one down first and so it was the first word Boner got down. Boner has more tenacity when holding out on a command than I do and that is saying a lot. His tolerance quota has been quite large. He would test me in the beginning until he figured out absolutely that I figured out that he was testing me. My physical stance and delivery is very important. I practiced constantly on trying not to be harsh like a gestapo agent when I give the command. It is my natural tendency and I was like that in the beginning out of fear that it would not work. That idea was instilled into me as a child. It was used on me. Even when I am calling Bo when I was mad at him, scared he was out of control and unaware of me or the rules I needed to stop myself first and think, "make it nice, make it fun or you haven't got a chance." Hey... is my cutting word, "hey bo- come, come on boy, come, "quick" is another cutting word, the use of it doesn"t make him come quicker it just is a good word to get his attention. I have to use the basic words to get the reaction, I use "come" and need to hesitate a second so he can put the command into his brain, he cannot get... "comeonbooverhere". The word "okay" is his release word to go run off on his own in a field. I pick a word and stick with it.

December 05, 2006

A year is coming around since I began to write about Boner everyday. I am always giving thought as to what I want to write. This all is the pre stages of a book. I want notate my thoughts. I have been thinking about Bo's self-esteem when it comes to praise and rewards, for example the first time he made it up and down the stairs. From the start, I was conscious of wanting Bo to have self-confidence and to be self-reliant. Praise has always been important to me. I have always given him as much credit as possible when it comes to being capable which I realize puts a lot more demand on situations. It has its pluses and minuses. When I am done with a treat I always tell him, "this is the last one." or "only one now Bo," and then I let him sniff my hands for a moment so he can realize that fact for himself. As a result he never nags me for more and in fact when I give him something that I am eating, something that he loves like a pizza crust, when he is done, if he is sitting next to me he turns his head away to not be tempted anymore or to show me he is being obedient as in not begging. When I bring a pizza into the house and start eating it Bo goes to the opposite side of the room and lays down turning away from me as not to disturb me. He knows the "goodies" are coming. Maybe he has learned this from the fact that I always leave him alone when he eats.

December 04, 2006

I am amazed at the empathy that Boner is capably of feeling. He is an animal and I have learned through Boner that all animals have feelings of some type or to some degree. Bo's feelings are strong and constant. Myself, I have a tendency to be a little over dramatic and emotional at times. The affection I have thrown towards Boner could smother a rhinoceros to death. In expressing love and affection, at times I have found myself falling deep into gushy interaction. Through a gradual awareness, I realize that I am participating in an embarrassing one-way love scene. I pull back to an appropriate level to find Boner still ever constant in his acceptance. It's like he is saying, "yo....dan...I love you...got it?....you can feel ok with that....ok?...here's affection...look....i'm giving you affection...there's no need to go overboard trying to get the point across....don't lose yourself man....I'm here....it's ok....it's ok. I have found that I am very trainable when I have a consistent teacher. It has taken only two or three of these situations to learn a little emotional control. Every once in a while I may start to slip but not too much because Bo is unwaveringly constant and as a willing student I am able to catch myself before I lose it. I have always wanted to learn this kinda stuff because it has been a life long frustration that I have dealt with in intimate relationships. It has a lot to do with habit and trust.

December 03, 2006

Today I was sending emails today to people that I have sent emails to in the past. I am informing everyone about the cross-country plans for Boner and I. I am trying to garner some financial support because it is going to cost lots of money and I want to "gift" the appearances across America. One of the emails was rejected from its server. This is a recent development. I wonder if people know their online servers are setting new rules all the time for what is acceptable for them or not. It comes under the guise of serving the customer but really, what it does is disempower the customer and serve the business. Whats more, the email's contents had to have been scanned without the reader knowing because the subject was "Piano Man with Dog on Truck Goes to Hollywood". Anyway, apparently Boner's name inside the email is offensive to the server. It disgusts me when servers associate "dirty sex" with the name of my dog. That goes for people too. From past censorship issues "dirty sex" is the only thing I can think of. This happens with a very small minority who unfortunately have very large mouths. Thank God they are ineffectual and only irritate the world but never the less, do we need this irritation? I think not. I don't think it was the email use of the word "Ragtime" (the music was censored to the point of stamping every printed sheet with... "the playing of this music will demoralize the player') back in the early 1900's ...or... the words Boogie Woogie (which was called the devil's left hand) in the 1940's. The motive and use of words and names are so important. Many words and names can be used in different ways. Such is the case with Boner. Boner is playful and fun. How anyone can apply offensive and dirty sex... to Boner, a piano, truck, music, and in today's world... Ragtime and Boogie Woogie music, me, or what I offer to the world... That is beyond rational explanation. Boner is fun and playful, period. If anyone wants to apply sex to that name make it good and healthy sex, ok?

December 02, 2006

Bo has had a natural affinity for trash. Not the trash bag in my kitchen but on the ground anywhere else. From day one, he immediately took to junk food wrappers. I have been very lucky, knock on wood, as he has never stolen from the dinner table or gotten into the kitchen trash when left alone. He sticks to what I forget to take out from the truck floor and what he finds in fields. He prefers going after fast food wrappers blowing in the wind more than chasing after rabbits or squirrels. I used to forget to take food from the truck when I left Boner waiting in it. After about the third time I forgot and Boner ended up eating whatever I left, I thought I would try to train him to leave it alone instead of training myself to remember to take it with me. I purposely left food in the truck and then acted like I was walking away only to spring back to catch him when I saw him going for the food. This only took a few times until Bo thought I would always catch him so he never bothered trying to get it anymore. One time a friend left food and it became a different story. One time triggered the old behavior. I did not have the energy to re-train him. I decided that it was time to train myself. If I was too stupid not to remember, then it was my fault and fair game for Boner. I need to be consistent in remembering not to leave food in the truck if I do not want him to eat it. If I leave a Mc Donald's wrapper on the floor of my truck for Bo to find while I am gone, I will return to find it in a hundred pieces. Bo loves to rip toys and fast food wrappers into a zillion pieces and then spread them everywhere with pride at how much of a mess he can make.

December 01, 2006

Boner ignores the guilt people exude because he cannot have any of their food. He ignores the fact that they are teasing him or trying to tempt him with the food to get him to like them. He simply focuses on the food but stays within his boundaries on top of the piano. He does not jump off like other dogs would. I never trained him to do this. He "stays" because it is the right thing to do. Actually, I treasure how much enjoyment my dog brings to people and how he is able to create interaction with them and behave so well. He can do what I have not been able to achieve when it comes to engaging people. Sometimes people will approach Bo while I am playing the piano oblivious to that fact that I am right there and they leave without ever seeming to notice that I was there. I do not take it personally but I have wondered if I should be also begging for attention. It helps to be cute like Bo.

November 30, 2006

Boner is a wonder dog when it comes to dealing with other people and not falling into the traps they set for him during performance. The trap is temptation to jump off the piano and into their food. People "work" on Boner as much as Boner "works" on people. They mirror each other. People work Boner to get him to like them. Boner "works" people to try and get some food. Food is the operative word. Boner has perfected the art of looking pathetically pleasing in a yearning sense. He has done this beyond artistry at its best. Everyone falls for it. Pathetic yearning for attention is Boners prize behavioral achievement. Paws dangling off the piano works best followed by ass in air with tail wagging tongue hanging. People want me to satisfy this yearning he puts on them. They look at me and say, "awwww...look at him he's hungry, do you feed him? I want to say, "would you please take your food out of my dogs face?" Some people are so obvious and they do not even know it. I am talking about how they stand holding food out towards Bo with blatant sadistic behavior. Boner is strong.

November 29, 2006

Being on a job with food around can be a real pain in the ass. Many people when it comes to food and Boner are ignorant. I do not say that in a derogatory way, just factual. They are thinking, "fun". So that often translates into impulsive, abandoning, appropriate behavior and respect is lost concerning boundaries and limits. They think in terms of what their dog at home eats. They think in terms of their own fun in feeding an animal. They think in terms of projecting what Boner wants and ignore that I am his responsible steward. They think in terms of giving to him without thinking whether it is harmful or not. They think in fearful terms as to Boners being needy in some way. They think in terms of Boner being deprived of fun. They think in terms of wanting to please Boner at all costs seeing as they do not need to be responsible for the consequences. They do not think in terms of the last five thousand people that just walked by trying to give him a treat. They do not think in terms of a change in diet causing Boner to have diarrhea all night long so he cannot sleep. They do not think in terms of Boner getting sick from whatever they are feeding him. They do not think in terms of his becoming obese because he just finished eating before the performance started. They do not think in terms of sneaking food to him only will make for a sneaky dog. They don't think in terms of Boner wanting to jump off the piano if he knows he will get food and that might result in his losing his spot on the piano for good. They do not think in terms of asking for permission. This is not everyone, only eighty five percent of the population! I am thinking of all this for them and while I am performing. I need to take extra care and keep a third eye out for Boner's welfare at all times when he is with the public.

November 28, 2006

I am having writers blog block. I have been typing what comes to my head every day and I am certain I have not repeated many thoughts. I need time to sit down for a few hours and sort it all out while writing more about Bo but the time is not there. Have I written about how we give each other hugs on the stairs before going to bed or when we are coming down in the morning? Boner stands on the steps on the way up to bed to look out he front living room window to make sure everything is safe, no other animals are in our territory, just to check on things. I stop and we spend a moment together in a hug. He presses strong against me to validate our bond. In the morning he will wait at the top step and before I go downstairs, the same way checking out the environment and I will sit with him a moment for our morning hug. We say hi to each other and to start the day.

November 27, 2006

Happy Birthday to Boner Born November 27, 1994

Twelve Years Old Today!

This Picture Was Taken Of My Best Buddy Two Months Ago

November 26, 2006

From the very start, Bo has always been nervous when I left him alone. He would bark incessantly in strange rooms when he thought I was completely gone, losing himself in the barking. On and on it would go so I have been told for hours and hours. In his first year when we both needed it, Boner would indulge in weekend retreats at a friend's apartment and I would here tales from the neighbors outside. They did not know they were telling me about my dog. His barking prompted three letters and a notice from apartment dwellers to... "stop abusing the dog or it will be reported." He has always had a knack on how to "work" people! Bo�s barking as a youngster was never remotely manly it was more of a, "Oh my God they are beating me, they are killing me, help! help! Help!!!... high pitched, broken type of barking that went on and on forever. I found away to deal with the problem. I would wait until he thought I was gone, it would take about three minutes and the second he would start barking I would pound my feet all the way to the door. throw the door open and sternly say, �NO Barking! Bad! I would say the phrase twice and after a few times it worked. Either he was never sure I was truly gone and was waiting, or he started focusing on my return and forgot about the barking, or maybe he just got the message straight that barking was not an acceptable idea. He became a, "good dog".

November 25, 2006

I worked very hard with Bo concerning barking from the beginning. I had no concept of how to teach him when it was appropriate or not to bark so I settled on the non-barking dog approach. It was a challenge as was everything in the teaching period. I gave up on the watch dog/protector approach to dog ownership as it became a real problem when sneaking him into an overnight hotel room. I could not get sleep in the beginning because every time someone walked by the door outside I had to be ready to grip his mouth while he attempted to bark the intruder away. I think he wanted to bark more out of fear of the unknown then of any impending danger. He would not let go of his natural instinct to bark as I muffled and held him for the next five minutes under the sheets as he growled with lingering warnings. It was not easy, as he did not understand what was going. He wondered why I was hiding him in the gym bag as we snuck past the hotel lobby door or under my coat or why he was running from the truck through the hallway to get to the room where he had to be quieter than a mouse.

November 23, 2006

I find that Boner tests me for my commitment and determination if I leave him alone for too long of a period or if I become too pre-occupied with something or if he does not get enough attention. When Bo needs to be put back on course about a specific behavior I need to catch the behavior and create an element of surprise with the response. If he is caught off guard with say a strong "no" he will jump and give me a look like, "wowa, God man, I can't believe you did that" and then I can see him thinking "I guess he really means it". If I give a loud, clear and firm command, an inappropriate behavior will take only one time to correct and it will last permanently unless I mess up. I mess up by not being consistent, not giving enough attention or because I don't care enough, I get too complacent or lost in our emotional involvement, or I get so wrapped up in myself I lose sight of him. If I give a command that is like, "come on boy will you please listen", I should get whacked because I am only perpetuating the problem to continue. If he feels he can get away with something he will try and take it into the next micro step and he will keep going as far as he can. I think this is part of an animal's aggressive nature. After I correct him and see he is responding I stop making a big deal and leave him alone and then after a little while I go over and I pet him to let him know that I am ok with our relationship. As I am writing this, I am realizing that the need for what I have written comes up maybe once a year. We have had a good rhythm going between the two of us for the last ten years.

November 23, 2006

Boner's hair is growing back from his summer haircuts. Ugh. Shed. Bigtime. Hair everywhere is specifically a problem from running around the house while we play our chase, tag and wrestle each other games. We are very physical together so it flies off of him constantly from rubbing and petting. When it rains outside and we cannot get our exercise it the problem becomes worse. Shed, shed, and shed. I get on my yoga mat in the morning and I need to blow the hair off of it. If I do not vacuum every three days, the floor becomes a white mat of hair. If I am in and out of the house enough the air creates tumbling hairballs four inches round... and I am not talking about one hairball but many hairballs. My clothes, my hats... Boners plastic toy that he pushes throughout the house to get treats from I need to clean every night because he creates a cover over it from his hair and dog slobber as he rolls the thing into every corner imaginable. It's been bad enough that when I have not kept up the cleaning I step in a footpath up the stairs full of hair. I know it is gross and had I'd known I would need to deal with this hair thing on a constant basis on this level before I took stewardship of him I would have reconsidered. After having a dog like Boner in my life, would I ever do it again? When I consider the love and respect that exists between us it is a non-issue. I would eat the hair if needed... and I have from breathing it in at times. Ha.

November 22, 2006

I let Boner express his affection towards me today. I was lying on the living room floor trying to stretch out a bit and he came over to lick my face. He shows me his love for me by wanting to clean me. Even though I knew I would be sorry for it, as I am allergic to him, I let him clean my face. He tickled me with his whiskers. He licked and lapped with loving intent. It was not sloppy; he was doing a job that he cared about. First was the right cheek then he worked his way to my eyes, he loves to make sure my eyes are cleaned out from any gunk that might be hiding there. After he is done with my eyes, he goes for clean sweeps of my forehead and then my scalp. My short hair does not seem to bother his tongue. He is always thinking, he moves to my other side so he can have a better reach for my other cheek. He will slip by my mouth always resisting the desire to give me a slip of the tongue. Yuk! We are both watching out for that one. I wish he would spend more time on my nose. Never in the nostrils, always a deep ear cleaning. If you're not grossed out yet you should be. I hope there's nothing weird about you! Ha. When he is done with my face, head and neck he will move to my hands. Boner loves cleaning the palms of my hands more than any other spot. He cares most about my hands. Did I teach him that or does he appreciate them for what they share to him and the world?

November 21, 2006

Start with two days ago... On the other hand, maybe you are just being egotistically selfish. You really do not care about my dog, in fact your just using him as your "cause" to say you care about something, to feel strong about something. To have a feeling of power having so little control over your own life. You have a need to verbally try to control and manipulate, using my dog to do it. You do not know my dog anymore than you know my asshole. To know is to understand and you have not even asked yourself or anyone else a question in order to understand this situation. You are reacting. Learn how to respond. Stupidity, that's what I say it is. I know your kind of person all too well. Your kind of person does not seek to understand you seek to be understood. Your kind of advocacy is selfish you secretly seek to benefit your egotistical self... using a cause as you're subject or forum. You do not fool me you do not really care about this dog or you would first seek to know and understand him before you put your own miss guised fears upon him. And another thing, do not try to bond with me through criticism trying to show that you area a caring person. I do not want to bond over negativity.

November 20, 2006

Start reading with yesterday... ... It wouldn't occur to your type that the cab of this truck is this dogs den and that it has been so since he was eight weeks old, his favorite place to sleep, a dog is a den animal you know, and that he may like it, and that he has the option to go in or out of the back of the truck, his den, as he pleases. It would not occur to your type of person that as an animal the dog is saying come pet me but don't come into my den or stick your hand into it because I am a territorial animal and I'll bite your head off. It wouldn't occur to your type that the dog may be waiting in anxious anticipation knowing that when his owner comes back they will go running to exercise together. Nay, nay your person knows only how to react verses respond, probably being a selfish person yourself, the kind of person who can only see things from one point of view, a view that is the experience of your narrow life. This particular experience being that you yourself would not want to sit in a car alone waiting for an hour and a half. How shallow is your point of view! Stop projecting your ignorant observances onto me. Go home.

November 19, 2006

Whooo boy, I am going to share some nasty fun I have written in the past. It was not fun at the time. Maybe I should not publish it and let everyone know what a mean and angry person I can be. In the spirit of expressing myself the good and the bad, I am going to do it. Yes, I am going to let you read my rants. When people approach me with criticism concerning Boner, it hurts me. I am a sensitive guy, so on occasions I try to work through the hurt by writing letters to these people. I have written very little in my past and what I have has mostly been about trying to dump and complain in a therapeutic sense. It is what it is. The following was about an incident when someone entered into my personal business about Boner waiting in the truck. It was not performance related.

Ahh.... I see you are the type of person with a tendency to look at the dark side of things, a pessimist who only addresses the worst in a situation. It wouldn't occur to your type that unlike 99% of the dogs people own, dogs who sit home alone whenever their owner leaves the house, that my dog, this dog gets to go everywhere with his owner, this dog is a dog that gets out and about to see and experience life, a dog that gets to milk everyone's attention that he comes into contact with, being out alone in the truck he can get all the attention he wants. continued...

November 18, 2006

I had no idea what I was doing when I first started to train Boner. I remember after our first period of walking together with no need of a leash and then a short leash period and then the beginning of never needing a leash again. During the last period, we would walk around and I would have the leash in my hand in case I needed it. We would have these little testing battles where I would try and establish boundaries and limits. It really got down to the wire... constantly. Bo would pace himself to walk directly with his paw aligned to the very front of my shoe and we established that any farther would be crossing the line. He would test the line and I would stamp my foot. I would try to watch him as much as he watched me. It was a real challenge to see who could watch the other more closely. We challenged each other to the wire. The wire of our nerves! I often wondered if Bo would challenge it to death because he never showed a sign of giving up. One time, it only took one time because my timing just happened to be perfect, I had the leash in my hand, and it was a chain leash. When Boner's instincts took over or he thought he would make a dash forward to see if he could... I gave him a swat on the behind with the chain. It was not hard what happened was I had caught him in the moment and surprisingly disrupted his thought process of misbehavior. It scared the bejeezas out of him. From that time on if he made a start to run all I needed to do was jiggle the chain ever so lightly to remind him and his ears fly back and he would catch himself in order to stop. Now, as an older dog Boner does what he wants and walks ahead always during the beginning of our walks because he knows he can... as long as he doesn't run on the neighbors lawn, after any squirrels or cats that he comes across, and stays in full view. He does slip in a pee every once in awhile on a neighbor's tree if I am far enough away from him that I cannot catch the behavior. I look at it as he needs some leverage to be able to get away from discipline every once in a while and I need to remind myself not to be too strict with him once in awhile. Even today after twelve years if I lose my attention on Boner while we are out walking Boner loses his attention to me. We work a two way street of attention and trust.

November 17, 2006

I am feeling philosophical about Boner today. People have been sending me famous sayings about dogs and they make me think. People will say, a dog can give you this or that while people will let you down yadda, yadda, and yadda. I do not think that dogs give people anything more than people can give people. It is cute to think so and often convenient to justify behavior. A dog will let you down in the same ways that people will let you down if you treat them the same way that you treat people. I feel that people will respond to me depending on how I relate to them. Any dysfunction I experience comes from me. Love is love. It is what it is. How love expresses itself, now that is the makings for many a story. I was shown through example and taught through my formative years love with conditions and consequences. That was the experience of my parents, family and social environment. That is what they knew. That is what they were taught. As a young adult, I experienced unconditional love. Unconditional love is what I looked for and searched for in life from day one. Unconditional love is the route I have chosen and the direction I work towards for developing my life. Impulses to react with Boner from conditional or consequential places dissipate daily, probably because I consciously think of that fact at least once everyday. I am so grateful for my ability and willingness to relate to Bo progressively. I think that is why Bo gives me so much gratitude and willingness. Bo has never responded from conditional behavior. Motivation influences him but not consequences.

November 16, 2006

This is a rant I wrote down after dealing with a self-serving agenda from someone one day trying to assert how much they are concerned about my dog.

If you really truly cared about my dog and how he is being treated, if you were truly a sensitive person with appropriate concerns you would notice:

He is not lifeless he is being playful His tail wags ferociously all the time for you and he is not jumping to get away from me
He is responding to you with self confidence
He is not cowering away from your approach or to anyone's for that matter
He's not barking
He's not biting
He's not jumping all over up and down and running around
He is affectionate and patient with you
He has food and he has water... it is in front of your face... if you want to see it that is
He is close to his owner you do not see him running away and he does know there is no leash holding him back.

November 15, 2006

My dog is such a grateful dog. How do you learn gratefullness? I suppose he has just learned from mirroring me. After giving him a good belly rub he cannot resist in returning the love by spending some time licking me to clean me up. When I put his food down into his bowl in the morning he never runs to it or pushes by me to get it instead he frist comes over to me to thank me fo giving it to him. When he is done he comes into the living room to find me usually streching and wants to clean me or sometimes he just comes over to my face and gives me one gentle lick and then sits down pressing his body next to mine. After a few minutes it is time to play or run outside to see if the yard squirrel can be found. On another note... He amazed me last night with his toy ball. I cut liver treats up for him every night and put them into this plastic ball that he pushes around to empty out. He likes it because it gives him an activity worth while in doing and it also makes the treats last longer for him. He got so good at it I had to make the holes on the insertion part smaller twice because he was so smart. Last night he took it all one step farther. He learned how to unscrew the plastic insertion for easier access to the insides. Boner is just getting smarter and smarter.

November 14, 2006

Wow. This drives me crazy. I have an issue with dates and years; I just cannot keep them straight. One day I think I have it together only to feel unsure the next day. I am talking about Boner's time lines. I pulled his purchase papers out today. I have been saying the wrong date for his age. What is wrong with me??? I have been saying he is thirteen for over a year even though I have seen the papers over and over again. The facts just leave my mind. When I say the facts, I still cannot feel sure about it even though it is on paper. Writing this down right here and now in front of the world I hope will help. Boner was born November 27, 1994. There, that is that. Now I need to count on my fingers 94 to 95 is one year, 95 to 96 is two.... that means that Bo will be twelve years old in less than two weeks. I have been saying he was thirteen. I feel safer with twelve; maybe he will have more time with me. His first day on top of the piano was August 3, 1996 so he was not quite two years old. I brought him home January 25, 1995. Whew, it feels good to have some clarity. Therefore, I brought him home at about eight weeks old. I need to remember this, as it is important to me.

November 13, 2006

Boner has not had the exercise he needs for the last few days and it is amazing how his ability to move around slows up so quickly when he is missing exercise. I am the same way. It is worse for Bo because when I am sitting on my ass at least I am doing something. Bo wakes up and comes downstairs from sleeping to go back to sleep all day on the sofa and then goes back up stairs at night to sleep again. That is no life for my dog so I said to myself I am make myself take the time, I am going to schedule twenty minutes to run him around the house and I will put the stove timer on and just play with him until the beeper goes off. The routine is Boner fakes resting on the living room floor. I go to lay with him and he jumps up to run into the dinning room where I am to chase after him. We do a dance around the table trying to fake each other out as to which way we will turn. He will fake a left fake a right and then surprise me by going for a surprise run underneath the table to get back into the living room. On special occasions he will chooses the kitchen route and through the office to do a full circle around the house to get back to the living room. He will again flop on the floor where I grab his front paws and we both turn on our backs head to head where we can't really see what we are dong and we flip back and forth around and around on the floor. There is always a hand to mouth tug of war and battle of grab on and do not let go with each session. We both take responsibility in not hurting each other or going too far with playtime. Every time we are done without fail Boner wants to show his gratitude by licking me to clean me and if I am not in the mood he will just come and sit next to me pressing his body next to mine to show he wants to stay connected.

November 12, 2006

Bo is hibernating on the couch. It is raining outside. He always goes into sleep mode when it rains. I feel for him on days like this, as he must certainly be bored. Here he has just slept all night and now he has no option but to sleep all day. There are no outside sounds to stimulate him as in the approach of the mailman, a cat walking across the yard, a visitor to the front door, the anticipation of a run in the field. A friend of mine has a dog he taught to say a few words. Other friends have been emailing me video's of dogs with special talents. Maybe I will spend some time today interacting with a speech lesson for Bo. I do not even know where to begin. I'll think about the sounds that I know he can make and see if a word comes to mind that is compatible with those sounds and then try to get him to mirror a word or phrase by saying it to him a couple of hundred thousand times along with a steady stream of liver treats. I believe you can teach an old dog new tricks.

November 11, 2006

Bo is becoming more resistant when it comes to jumping into the truck and onto the piano; I need to coax him more in the last three weeks. It could be for many reasons I need to just take each moment as it comes and take the time to observe. Is he tired, is he sick, is he too old, is he testing me, is he unable because of something that is bothering him, does he have another agenda he is trying to communicate, is it because his sight is getting worse, is it because he is becoming less sure of his abilities, are his toe nails to long and he his afraid of slipping because of them, is the environment bothering him, does he need more exercise and play to feel more motivated with life, is he telling me he just wants to run around on the ground? I could go on and on. In the beginning, I would go with the first thought that came to my mind and that would be it... permanent. Then if it were not the case I would try to prove to myself that it was in fact the case. If that did not work, I would try to create it from him for myself. I thank god everyday that I have grown away from that mind set. Life is much more interesting when I am open to learning new reasons, alternatives, possibilities, solutions. I can never be sure so I do not want to be sure. The reasons, answers and sources are never black and white and never equal one.

November 10, 2006

In-tune... When I am giving Bo a lot of attention we are really "in tune" with each other, connected. These are times when he is right on when it comes to doing tricks. He is happy, willing, and aware. I can say lay down with a treat and it is not a command but fun time play and he will "hit the deck" immediately. I can go through the whole roster of tricks, sharp quick, and with incredible precision when we are in this mode.

Obstinate... If Boner is feeling obstinate, he will pretend he does not understand the command. I then need to be very persistent and let the desire for the treat do the trick. If it is not a good treat, he calculates how much he wants to do the trick. Often he will attempt to do a portion on the trick and then take me through his steps to work me, but I hold on until the full trick is performed because the next time he will take me through more steps and every time thereafter even smaller steps.

Over Excited... When Bo is overexcited, sometimes he is so overwhelmed he does not know whether he is coming or going. If I say roll-over Bo, he rolls everywhere, sometimes he can't think the command through because he is so focused on the result, and performs partial steps of the command like rolling half over, rolling in circles, flipping all around not knowing which way to begin getting down...etc...

November 9, 2006

I am just going to state some phrases I wrote down several years ago that I might have already mentioned in past writings. I want to be careful when I discipline (hate that word) Bo so as not to do it haphazardly. I want to be clear, to know what I am doing and why and what I want to achieve from it. It needs to be meaningful just like the praise. It must be done on his level of understanding and perception. Approaching the giving of direction sometimes with a sense of humor can be helpful. My tone of voice does not need to be strong, sharp, loud and hard but it does need to be consistent and steady. If I am not convinced in what I am saying... to myself... Boner will certainly not be convinced that I mean it and will use it to test, which is natural and healthy response. Anger has its natural place in life I do not need to create it just to make a point. I have learned to let slight misbehavior's go unnoticed. There is no need to jump on every single little misbehavior as it does nothing but accomplish a lack of empowerment, and personal growth for Boner and it creates fear, mistrust, sneaky behavior, a repressed nature, lack of playfulness and rebellion. I must always be sensitive in my approach and not be too physically and verbally domineering because I do not want a cringing and neurotic dog. I say what I feel not only pat phrases and he gets the message and learns to better understand language.

November 8, 2006

This last full moon was a strong one. I can usually see it in myself but this time I saw it in Boner. I always know because I figure it out after the fact. I will feel really agitated and/or horny and will look at the moon to find it full and then sometimes howl. Not really. Yea, ok really, I have done that though once or twice in my life. Anyway, this is about Boner. He was growling for no reason, and that was very unusual. I thought maybe he needed more exercise but it seemed to come from him in spite of himself. We would be lying close together on the couch and he would growl at me. I would say, "what's wrong Bo" and he would give me a gentle lick as to respond, "I can't help it, it's not you". I found this very odd. The next day we were in the neighborhood and he was on the piano when eight year old Alex walked by to say hi. Bo and Alex know each other well and Bo growled at him. Alex asked almost hurt, "why is he growling at me". I just continued to observe. The third day I realized it was a full moon because I myself felt crazy. Bo did the same thing he growled at me. I was close to his face. In the beginning days I would have become fearful and impulsively want to stop the behavior forcefully and immediately. In the present, I know that is not necessary. I looked at him again and said, "what?" Again he gave me a gently lick as to reassure me that everything was alright and it dawned on me that I am not the only one affected by the moon. Even though I enjoy the beauty, I am glad the full moon is over.

November 7, 2006

I used to run and hide and then call Boner to come and find me. I wanted to exercise our sense of trust, of staying connected and our problem solving skills. We made it all into play, a game. We used to practice looking at each other for long periods of time and practiced not getting distracted from each other. We developed tricks to tell each other were keeping an awareness of each other for example the shaking of keys, a cough. I would walk a block away wave my hands to let him know I did not leave him and can still see him. I would stand in the middle of a crowd and challenge him to pick me out. We still practice these excercises. Boner's tail really starts going when he finds me and I always go and compliment him on his find. In the neighborhood, I walk Bo around as well as ride him around in the truck so he knows how to get home if ever lost or stolen. I know there is a difference for me when riding in an area verses walking in it so I assume the same goes for Boner.

November 6, 2006

In the last twenty four hours two friends have sent me different stories of dogs now living that have shown intelligence, compassion, friendship and heroism as we humans experience with each other. One was Skidboot the dog from Texas and the other was Daisy the golden retriever from 9/11. I found this interesting because I often get cute dog pictures but cannot remember ever receiving stories such as this. The stories triggered some strong thoughts for me. It is comforting to hear about the abilities and relationships that animals have which are similar to what I have been through with Boner. I also related the stories to myself (its all about me isn't it) my abilities. I have thoroughly enjoyed discovering, observing, testing and nourishing Boners abilities throughout his life because that was what had been missing from mine. Any capability I was to have as a human was to be discovered for me and I was limited to that. I can tell you "that" was not very much. I see Bo's abilities and I encourage them, I experience them, and then I am grateful for them and grateful also the fact that I have been able to experience them with him. I have always wanted to help him share what he has to offer from himself as well as what we have to offer together. Boner's abilities in life are a source of great joy for me partly because they enhance my own abilities as a human being.

November 5, 2006

People are often amazed at how Bo stays when I leave him. I used to practice leaving with Bo. I taught him to trust that I would always return. I worked to help him strengthen his patience concerning that. I would be with him and then move about five feet away and tell him to stay. Then I would go back to him. When I would go away again it would be six feet. Each time I went back to him, I would tell him what a great guy he was for staying. Then I worked on the minutes. I would stay away for one minute and then two and so on. I would walk across the street and let him get used to staying on the other side while we watched each other. I would not wait too long, I would always return before anything distracted him. All a dog owner needs to do to create obedience is spend the time to interact enough so there is a trusting and respectful relationship. We depend on each other. There are things I just never took the time to do such as teach Bo to bark when he needs to go outside and pee. As simple a task as that is, I have just never have been compelled to follow through with it. I still could. I have no idea why I choose to be lazy with a simple command such as this. When Bo needs to go outside, he stands by the door. If I am not around, he suffers. That has happened one once that I can remember because I am usually aware of his needs. If he is going to diarrhea in the middle of the night because of something he ate, I am the one who suffers the next morning with the smell and need to clean it up, usually from the white rug in my office.

November 4, 2006

When I first began to work with Bo I so much did not want to intimidate him or have him cower from me or be fearful in anyway. I think that I did a good job with those issues. On the other hand, I tended to over exaggerate my disappointments and anger. I would go overboard in communicating to try and solidify my needs and what I thought was a wrong or bad act. Any disciplining that came from my own fear or impatience was a complete waste of time. I can say that with clarity. I would purposely take Boner around other things to strengthen him, his concentration, patience, self-discipline, tolerance, etc... He only obeyed me back then because I am right there watching him. He mirrored my fear of his not obeying. As I became more respectful with trust and my fear dissipated, Bo became free to be obedient and really show his strength of good character.

November 3, 2006

Just as I think every human is an individual, I believe the same is true for dogs. I was insecure when I decided on having a dog mostly because of people in my life who did not have the confidence that I cold take on the responsibility. Tagging onto that crap, I made some large mistakes in the beginning by following other people's direction. The biggest I made was in having Boner neutered. It hurts every time I think about it. I was doing what other people told me that I should do, I was doing the politically correct thing. Looking back through my heart and soul I now know it was not the correct thing to do. Boner should have had the opportunity to father some offspring. I personally would have loved to have him father some pups and I have come across two perfect mates through the years that Boner would have absolutely wanted and they would have been perfect together. I have heard all the stories... all the general clich� facts of, "yea but what if". He would have behaved more wildly, unpredictably, he would have run looking for a mate when he was horny, he would have been more animalistic. No one knows any of this for a fact and it is a fact that every dog like every human is different. God, I hate generalizations... even though I am guilty of generalizations sometimes myself.

November 2, 2006

Boner almost always comes to me immediately when called. When I open the truck door and tell him to come on out, sometimes he hesitates. When he is with other people, he will first judge the urgency and seriousness of the command but usually obeys the second time around no matter what. When I call him, to play sometimes when he knows that is what I am calling him for and he still will hesitate anyway. There is rarely a time now when I have no patience for question or hesitation from him. In the beginning, it was different. There have been times where I have let him alone when he ignores me assuming that he wants his space or does not want to interact when in fact he is saying, "come on, make me come to you, let's be playful with our interaction in a challenging manor". It has only been during the last year that I have discovered that sometimes Boner wants to be courted; he wants to know that he is wanted beyond a simple command. Bo also takes advantage of a command sometimes to test behavior his own as well as mine, and also to turn the situation onto his terms. This is natural and healthy behavior and I wish I had been more conscious of it in his earlier years, the more understanding the better for us both. Once I got through the broken hand phase of our relationship I never once thought of Bo's hesitations as stubbornness or assumed he was reacting negatively as in something personal about me. Could be tho, who knows? I am sure there is more to learn.

November 1, 2006

My dog remembers incidents from birth... triggered from feelings, thoughts or behaviors consciously or subconsciously. Along with all the good stuff, he has never forgotten the first black fly that bit him, he still runs from them. Bo has never forgotten my son trying to force him to stay in his bed one night, he has not slept in a bed ever since even with me. Boner has never forgotten the instability of a driver during a parade. He remembers the drivers, the parades and the incidents. Last year with this particular parade unknowingly to me beforehand, the driver was drunk. We were both in a very tense predicament concerning the uncertainty of... and the erratic behavior of the driver during the parade. Bo has been in this parade for twelve years. He knows where he is and what he is doing and his memory is easy stimulated through his seeking to care and understand. He has been domesticated with many of his owner's traits. We had the same driver for this year's parade as last year. The only difference was that I made sure the driver was sober. That made no difference to Bo he had experienced an untrustworthy situation and had nothing else to go on concerning it. He had no reason to trust and every reason to be concerned. Almost every portal of my mind wants to deny this fact but when I truly search my soul I need to trust in myself as to whether there is or not a pink elephant in the room or not. If it looks, sounds, acts like a giraffe it is probably a giraffe.

October 31, 2006

With what I had just written in mind this is what is most important for me from the last performance... a fact that I would like to go into denial with. Boner has had bad experiences with this particular parade in the past, especially last year. My mind would like to give into what several dog authorities have written and said... that a dog's attention span is not long and neither is the memory. They forget and always forgive. Well I am of the mind that each dog is an individual with varying degrees of talent and capability depending on a variety of variants. continued...

October 30, 2006

Bo was so afraid in a recent parade to sit on top of my piano that I let him down to lay next to me on the floor instead of doing his usual job. I thought about, studied and observed the situation as I have been doing for years consistently. Boner does not sit on the piano without my taking full responsibility for it. That is why it has worked. I take responsibility for myself, Bo, the audience, the environment, the truck, the driver, the performance the list goes on and on. Denial is an easy pitfall for irresponsibility and I am always on the lookout for it in my life. As I thought about Bo's wanting to get down, I started to think about all the reasoning I could come up with. I have found it is probably a mixture of all thoughts and reasoning's that I had. He is older now and the ability to tolerate chaotic situations, environments and people is not as strong. His physical strength to balance himself with the need to constantly hold tight just in case the truck gives a jolt is not as strong. In a night parade, his sight is not as good so he is more insecure as he cannot keep a strong sense of what is going on around him. There is not so much in it for him anymore as he is not as driven for attention and possible food to be found on the ground, he knows he will get a treat when he gets home. Boner just wants to "be" and to "be" with me. He wants a simpler life. continued...

October 29, 2006

I have always given a lot of thought as to what makes Boner "tick" not because I want to manipulate or control him but because I care about him and want to understand him as much as possible. The ability to care and understand I consider a gift in life because I was originally taught and learned for myself as a child... to mistrust any type of consideration, questions and self seeking possibilities. I learned that care and understanding was all about control and manipulation. The gift of care and understanding for myself did not come without work. I had to go and find it by seeking my true nature. I had to learn to trust. continued...

October 28, 2006

In the beginning Boner often played the, "I don't understand you or know what you are talking about", game. He liked it because it gave him leverage in our situational negotiating. This was a tricky because my philosophy and tendency was to always give him the benefit of doubt whenever possible in order to establish trust, faith and empowerment. Also, I did not want to feel guilty after being very tough only to find out that he truly did not understand. I think Bo was able to sense any doubt I had of his understanding and at times tried to take advantage of it. As time went by and my respect for him grew... and my needs to control dimmed... he did it less and less. It could have been all in my mind. I might have been transferring my own past survival and coping skills onto him. I might have been putting onto him what my parents put onto me like... I am just trying to get on their nerves, trying to get them to do whatever for me, trying to test them. They were usually wrong, I just did not understand clearly. In any case, the interactions with Boner kept me on my toes and gave me opportunity to grow personally.

October 27, 2006

It is difficult to keep track of what I have been writing because I am using my memory only. I have yet to reread anything. I do not have the time. This has all been first draft stuff. I have thoughts about this book I am writing and I wrote them down when I first started. I just found them, here it goes. I do not want this book to come across as a how to do book. People are often awestruck by Bo's personality and behavior, me too... along with the process of owning him and living with him, his learning process. So I wanted to write a book saying that this is what I have done and these are the results. I want it to be an insightful book of one mans experiences in every aspect of owning his dog as well as to express my unique outlooks and perspectives as awful or odd as they may be. This book also has to reflect what is going on in my mind as well as Bo's with observations as well the results integrated with some philosophy.

I want to write about Boners learning aspects, what he does, how I got him to do it or why he does it, how it happened, what I am thinking, language, body movement, how that ties into and relates to other things himself other people, me our relationship.. how the truck as the vehicle was used for his learning process, the stay the lay down excreta... the beginning middle and end of our time together, the drama of it all. It all exemplifies much of my life and the miracle of getting this far. I certainly have ideas and I know what I like after I see it, but to plan it ahead is quite difficult. I want to write like I talk and for it to me enjoyable for me to say. It might be confusing or fascinating to others depending also considering whether someone is fascinated by confusion or not. Anyway, I want to write as much of the book in "stream of consciousness style" as possible as to keep it from the heart.

October 26, 2006

I have been spoiled with Boner. He is my security alarm, protector, and bodyguard. Most people and more importantly most troubled people do not know that Bo is a sweetheart. They do not know that Boner is probably more scared of them then they could ever be of him. Trouble kids in the neighborhood, people driving around my streets looking for trouble, solicitors who see Bo in the yard they all scratch my house off their list of interest. I can run into the supermarket or convenience store for a quick purchase while leaving the engine running as communication that I will be right back. This saves me the aggravation and time of finding a parking spot a quarter mile away and past the fifty handicapped parking spots that people with fake handicapped signs use. No one is going to try to get in the car with Boner holding court inside. While parked in the city I can feel safe about the belongings I leave in the car with the windows open even though I am not obvious about leaving anything in full view. Bo has even saved me from a few parking tickets but not always. People who would like to try and hustle me on the street stay clear of me because they are fearful or weary of animals. I can run into the gym to come out and find scratches on the window from someone who could not mind their own business. When the windows in the truck are closed, Boner is in his den and that is his private safe ground, his territory. He needs to be left alone. If the window is up and some idiot starts tapping on it, Boner will go into full attack with screaming, barking, teeth gnawing at the window and claws grabbing. This is only because he knows neither he nor the other person is going to get anywhere with their agenda so it is a fun excuse for Bo to exercise some bravado with his aggressive abilities. If the window is open, Bo will show some reserve at first with a slight growl and a curl of his lip. Sometimes he accepts an idiot who sticks there hands in the truck to pet him. If they go overboard and violate Bo's boundaries he will scare them with barking until they leave and then will resort to the floor of the truck until I return. If it is a nice warm day I will return to the truck to find Boner has jumped out the back window to spread himself out on the truck bed to bask in the sun where no one would ever expect him to be so they do not even notice.

October 25, 2006

How amazing this was. With all the wind in and around the truck on the way home with two days of travel, and the bungie chorded tarp cover over the truck and equipment, this was a perfect environment for something to smolder in and now was when the piano caught on fire. Also, the truck had absolutely no space it was packed as tight as could be. If I had left it packed overnight and if John had not happened by to help me unload at just that moment the fire would have caught and spread because I would not have been able to get to it through the packing. I remember thinking, "there will be no end to these incredibly interesting life experiences, and as long as I keep doing the right things the right things will happen." For me that is all about staying as honest and truthful to myself as I can be, giving life its time, enjoying the ride, watching out for projections and expectations and to live acceptance to the best of my ability. Most importantly, I need to stay open to the support of other people who give freely their validation and reassurance. It was at this time of my life where I learned three things to stay aware of to keep the good stuff coming. I acknowledge whatever miracle I am experiencing, I accept it into my life and I share it with others.

October 24, 2006

It took two days to drive home. I pulled the car into my garage and decided to unload it immediately because all of my immediate necessities were in it and I knew how much I would not want to unload in the morning. The exercise would also help me to unwind. By a stroke of luck, my friend John drove by to see if I was home yet and he helped me unload the truck. This particular friend was the one who happened by when I originally crushed my hand. He had a knack for showing up at all the right times for me. We finished the unloading and I went to the garage to close the door. There was smoke coming from the truck. I looked in the piano and I saw a flame. I immediately pulled the truck out of the garage and jumped to see what was going on and to extinguished paper that I had seen caught on fire. What had happened was that every night of the parade Bo and I were showered with an amazing amount of confetti. It was everywhere. Somehow, the confetti had worked its way into the piano casing and had fallen into the electrical components of the piano sound system. The lightweight paper had somehow chosen this moment to catch on fire from loose wiring inside the piano case. continued...

October 23, 2006

Two interesting things happened during the drive home. First, it was rainy and on the radio, I heard there was a tornado and major rainstorms coming up from the South behind us. I never saw any of them but I noticed the road was always wet. I was going to try to race out the storms but from the sounds of the radio reports, I was not going to make it. It was about time to stop for the night anyway so I pulled into a roadside hotel. There was a lot of commotion and people milling around. I asked what was going on and they said, "did you not just experience the storm"? The place was full of people who were forced to stop their travel and had suffered home damage from the storms. They had past and now were still heading North but in front of us. I had missed the wind and downpours by something like five minutes. Somehow, the storms had come from behind and either went over or around us and were now in front of us. We had missed them entirely. The place was filled so we drove a few more hours before bedding down for the night. continued....

October 22, 2006

Boner was fantastic the entire time we were away from home. He was aware that we were working together and was appreciative of my newfound respect for him. Any need to control or repress behavior was gone and as a result, we had a perfect relationship going. Of course, everyone constantly showed him love and affection. We played day and night for a full month for Universal studios and the event was going so well they extended it. I had to wait three days to find out whether we were to be included in the extension and the answer would have told me what I had been wondering from the beginning as to whether they like what I was doing or not. I was incredibly relieved when we got the thumbs up to stay the extra two weeks and the additional money was a bonus. All of my time was about the work. All the off time was about recuperation and replenishing my psyche and energy levels. The half hour parade performance at night was like the working energy of an eight-hour booking for a restaurant. When it was time to pack up to leave there was no, "I'm going to miss everyone", or "can't wait to get home" as I was so used to living in the moment that was all that existed.

October 21, 2006

I needed to concentrate on my energy, the right piano notes, be ready to take direction, keep an awareness of Boner running around in the back of the truck, and feel good about myself so I can make others feel good. And that is what I did for a parade crowd of 40,000 screaming geemies at the top of their lungs. Boner and I brought up the rear of the parade. It was the first Mardi Gras celebration for Universal Studio's and the floats were amazing and brand new. The adrenaline and excitement was mind blowing. During the day, I would drive around promoting the parade for nighttime. Everyone would meet Boner during the day and throughout the parade route at night I would play along with rhythmical chants of, "Boner, Boner, Boner"! God it was fun. I remember ending the parade at the main stage and as we passed, the band took over to play. I said to myself, "was that the Neville Brothers waving to me on stage"? It was, they were the main act. continued...

October 20, 2006

Everything that was happening in my life was so interesting because I had no idea of what to expect or what I was going to need to do. I wanted to be concerned. I had not yet played the piano from my hand break. Would the screws hold, would my hand fall apart when I started to bang on the keys? What about the fact that I had not touched the piano in months. Would my flexibility, energy and speed be present? Would the fishing wire from the bot fly burning and cut in my leg hold everything together? My mind was filled with too much more important stimulation to be bothered with silly questions like that. I had to trust in the doctors so I could do my job. They said that everything would be all right and healed. I had no choice but to let go of all control and concern. continued...

October 19, 2006

The next morning I arrived at the doctor's office and told him the story. The doc retrieved a huge thick book from his library shelf and opened it up to the bot fly page. After reading for about five minutes he looked up at me and said, "lets just burn that thing outta there." I said, "if you say so". That was my first experience with the smell of burning flesh. He dug a nice deep hole in my leg to make sure he got it all. Once he was in my leg, he dug out the worm and saved it for me in a liquid vial for a souvenir. I still have it in case I ever need proof for this story. When he was getting ready to sew my leg up I explained a concern that the string would break as I am not a foot tapping piano guy I am a foot slamming piano guy and I was to begin my performances the next day. He solved that problem by using fishing wire. I was to pull the string out myself in a week. Onward to the first day of performing.

October 18, 2006

The jerky clinic never called me! I hounded them until I got an answer. They finally got some information. The bot fly growing in my leg had three heads. They had pulled one of them off. The other two were still in there and would grow back the missing head so I needed to get the other two heads out. Back to the bacon. Bacon, squeezing, bacon, squeezing, bacon, squeezing... it was as gross as it sounds and then pop, one of the heads hit me right between the eyes. I was so thoroughly grossed out and frustrated all I could do was go back to the living room couch to collapse. That is when the phone rang right next to me. "Mr. Kean, we are calling to verify your appointment tomorrow morning at 9am with doctor Mohamishinnin", or something like that. In my head I thought, "who the hell is this" but verbally I just went with the flow. I thanked her and asked for the directions. With all of the life events happening, I was taking it all as though I was along for the ride. After I hung up, I realized that it was one of the original doctors offices' I had called. I had been put on a waiting list in case of a cancellation and someone cancelled in the nick of time. As I thought more about what had been going on I realized that this little bugger would stay as still as possible in my leg all day so he would not get caught and then at night when all was still he would start squirming around and/or "god how gross" start eating me. That is what would wake me up and cause an itch in the middle of every night. Also, on the drive down to Florida the bite area got red and swelled somewhat because the bugger was not getting any rest. It could have been worse. I was told that bot flies kill horses when the bite them on the nose, they kill sheep when they bite them in the neck, but humans they bite on the leg and do no real harm. continued....

October 17, 2006

It was getting to be late at night. I was in emergency mode. I drove back to the clinic where I had sat in for hours earlier in the day and demanded to be seen on the spot. I was frantic and in no state of mind to sit for several hours more. They took me into a back room and I was fully prepared to be treated like a mental case. I created a stir to be "mental" enough to make everyone afraid so that they would appease me and do what I needed for them to do until the problem was addresses. I can be a great creator of chaos if necessary. I listened to nothing anyone would say and demanded to see a doctor immediately and I kept that up until I got my way. When the doctor came into the room I looked at him straight in the eyes and said with strong intent, "I know this is going to sound crazy but I have a worm growing in my leg. I have bacon wrapped around my leg for bait. As soon as I take the bacon off the worm will reach for the bacon and you need to grab it quick before it goes back inside. I have already tried it once and missed. Do not question me on this just do what I ask you to do if you want to help me and you need to be quick." I am on the hospital table with about nine attendants standing around waiting to see if I am crazy or not. They take the bacon off and the doctor goes for the worm and pulls. "Got it", he says and takes it to a microscope. He comes back with, "there must be sixty to seventy babies in this sack I pulled, I am going to send it overnight to the disease center in Atlanta." He told me he would call me as soon as he heard news. continued...

October 16, 2006

I was not freaked or scared at all. I was amazed, interested and full of wonder. I was stimulated to say the least. Without question, I knew there would be no major problem because of the validation and reassurance experience I had been given Virginia on my way down. That was no coincidence. I knew everything was going to be ok because of the amazing set of circumstances that had transpired since I broke my hand with Boner and was able to be honest about it. Look what happened. Here I am getting ready to perform with my hands... for a month... and getting paid well for it in Universal Studios Florida. What was also amazing was that I happened to go to the food store that morning and on a whim brought bacon back from the store. That... was not a typical thing I have ever done before, especially on a trip. I finished the phone conversation and started for the door to go purchase some bacon when I remembered I had some five feet away in the refridgerator. Into my bed I went. I wrapped the bacon around my leg and used plastic wrap and rubber bands to hold it in place. I sat and stared at my leg for about six hours. I then went into the bathroom and removed everything with a pair of tweezers in my hand. "Oh my God!" Sure enough, I see this little white grey-ish worm reaching for the bacon. It was enjoying itself while chewing the fat. I went to reach for itand it saw me coming. It ducked back into the hole and would not come back out. I tried to squeeze it out but it would do no good. Then... I started to freak. continued...

October 15, 2006

Here I am sitting on a couch in a rented apartment in Orlando, Florida and I get a phone call from my friend Robin who had been in the Jungle with me on my trip. We were best buddies like spiritual soul mates at the time. He was working as a fundraiser for a hospital in the Philadelphia area and it so happened that he was in Florida kissing up to somebody loaded with money to get a big donation for his job. I did not know he was going to be down in the area and I did not even know he had my temporary phone number. He said, "Danny, I just came across some information and I think it is for you it is about the bite on your leg." I did not remember I had even told him about it. He said, "I am down her talking with this lady and I told her about our trip to Belize. She said she had an aunt who had visited the same Jungle we had both been in and that she had been bitten by a bot fly. It is one of the world's fastest and smallest flying bugs and often during flight connects with and hooks onto the underwing of a mosquito. When the mosquito lands on its prey and bites it, the fly lays its eggs in the hole the mosquito makes and uses the victim as a host womb where the bugs little worm baby grows and feeds on the victim until maturity." I am sitting on the couch half looking at the phone dumbfounded as he continues. "She told me her aunt was from Paoli (a town near Philadelphia) and no one from North America knew anything about the bug at the time and could figure out the problem so the doctor had to fly to the jungle to find out what was going on and how to cure the situation. I just know I got this information somehow for you and somehow I know you were bitten by one of these bugs. You need to get a piece of raw bacon and wrap it around your leg. You then need to wait six hours and the worm will come out to eat the bacon and that is when you need to grab it and pull it out." I was like, "you gotta be kidding." continued...

October 14, 2006

I had one reoccurring problem that was annoying me every night. The red bite mark on my leg was not going away, it itched like a mosquito bite. It woke me up every night. It should have healed by this time as I had been home from my jungle vacation in Central America for weeks. It seemed to be a little bigger and redder. I told myself that it was probably was from poor leg circulation as I had been sitting, driving for a few days. I knew I eventually would need to get it checked out and told myself being down here in Florida they probably have more experience in stuff like this, seeing that I am in a tropical area. I never felt sick or had any pain and my movement never felt restricted in any way but I was really starting to get worried as I would wake up in the morning and find dots of clear liquid spots on the white sheets that had oozed out of the bite during the night. More than worried, I was getting freaked. So much was going on. I started to phone a few doctor's offices and they all gave me attitude about their waiting lists of one and two months. I would tell them I had a serious unknown problem and I could be dead in a month I needed to see someone immediatly. The best they could do was put me on a waiting list in case someone cancelled. I said whatever and hung up. I went to a nearby clinic and after waiting an hour and a half I got discusted and left. I went back to the apartment living room to take a seat on the sofa to decide on what to do. I sat wondering, and the phone rang. I was startled because no one had called me before or had any reason to. continued...

October 13, 2006

When we arrived in Florida at Universal Studios, I was amazed at how calm I was. I set up house in the apartment I had rented, stored the truck, got a rental car and met everyone. I could tell that having Boner on the studio lots was special. No pets or other animals were allowed. Boner had a special dispensation. They made a special Mardi Gras hat for him to wear and he loved it. The only rule was that he needed to be on a leash when outside. Everyone loved him not only for who he was but also because he was able to break the rules. It was a double constant wow! This was all the time. The relational feeling with everyone I dealt with was strange for me from the start. I could not read these people at all, ever and it seemed like they could not read me. We were all just always being as congenial as could be. Everyone made point to stay out of my way and so I did likewise. It was very strange not knowing what they thought. Was I doing a good job? Did they approve? What did they think of me? Were they working to keep my ego intact? Did they think I was something like a God? Was I so much less than what they expected they were embarrassed by their thoughts? Was I to think that they were God? I could get no read from them whatsoever so I just mirrored their behavior. Everyone was very helpful and it was clear we all had our jobs to do. I could never tell who was the boss and never did find out. For all I know it could have been my contact. I also found out that my salary was a level unto itself. Most of the entertainment was getting paid a ridiculously low salary, then there was Boner and I, and then there were the major entertainment acts like the Neville Brothers. They must have been getting big bucks. I wonder. No matter, everyone was treated the same, everyone focused on getting their job done and I liked that fact. I was having a great experience. continued...

October 12, 2006

I froze, mouth open. I thought, "is this really happening"? They were following me on route 95 and followed me off of it and to this spot? I was almost speechless. I mumbled, "yes that was me." This couple remembered me from a four hour booking five years ago. Up until the present time I had only been away overnight for one booking and it was for the Richmond Virginia Easter festival. They went on for about ten minutes showering me with validation. I was very grateful and thanked them as they left. I then made my phone call and hooked up with friends. They did all the talking. I could not get a word in so I just listened and spent about an hour. All I heard was everything about reassurance. Everything is going to be fine. I thought, "I have been given a true miracle here, this was no coincidence. I have been filled with validation and reassurance. I hang around with the people that I do because they fill me with the validation and reassurance that I need on a daily basis. Thank God." I had no fear about the job for the rest of the trip. I knew everything was going to be ok. I have always had a need to get messages in a big way. Subtle is not me. Subtle messages do not sink into me. Well, I got the big time message that I needed. God as I understand him was with me and I was doing the right things. continued...

October 11, 2006

My anxiety level gave a rise big time by the time we reached Richmond, Virginia. I thought, "I hope I will be able to play when I get down there, I have not touched the piano since I crushed my hand. I was instructed to not play for two months and the day I am to begin performing will be two months to the day from the hand break. What if I go to hit a piano key and all of the screws break loose and my hand falls apart. I am a strong and heavy piano player. I hit hard. I began to get down right scared. I could feel the fear taking over. That is when I put into action my thoughts of the fact that I had more than supplies with me in the back of my truck. I had tools to use for mental and emotional support in my back pocket, in my wallet. I had the ability to connect with friends of friends all the way down the East coast. My job was to reach out and connect when I needed to. I drove off the highway to look for a public phone. This was still in the pre-cell phone days. I was in a large abandoned warehouse area with nothing around, no signs of life, no cars, no nothing. I saw a pole along the side of the road with a telephone attached to it so I pulled up to it, got out of the truck and with phone to my ear pulled out my wallet and started to page through the list of contacts in my address book. An old beat up truck pulled up along side of me and I thought, "oh boy, there is no one around, this is going to be someone asking for a hand out". This was pre- legal Uzi machine gun and car jacking days so I was not too concerned. This guy got out of the truck as I look and see a woman sitting in the front seat. He starts talking to me. I am about to try and shrug him off and I hear, "excuse me, excuse me sir I have a question to ask you. Me and my wife here, we were driving behind you on route 95 and saw the piano on your truck. There was a guy who played piano here on the back of a truck about five years ago and we thought he was fantastic and we were wondering if that was you"? continued...

October 10, 2006

So the day came for me and Bo to travel down South to Universal Studio's for performance. The truck was bulging with supplies and doubles of all the equipment. It was covered with a large blue plastic tarp and held together by a web of about sixty bungee chords. God forbid I needed anything under the cover before I finished the drive. I was hesitant in my confidence of how Bo would behave but he was a champ from the start. He found his spot on the passenger seat where he fit perfectly curled up like a ball. While awake he would stretch across the cab to lay his head on my lap. We would hit the rest stops and I would say, "Bo go shit." He would do it. "Bo go pee". He would do it. "Bo stay here and be good". He would do it. I had really suffered while trying to get him to do all these things for the past two years. He also suffered with my pressure on him. Now, after the hand incident, both our worlds changed completely. I respected Boner fully and Boner obeyed me fully. This helped to make the trip an incredible joy for both of us. continued...

October 09, 2006

Back to the story. I was so thankful. I was so grateful. I was so excited that I was booked for Universal Studio's and... I was getting paid my worth! I was well rested from the past months exhausting vacation that was supposed to have been relaxing. I had been kayaking with one hand from deserted island to deserted island off the coast of Belize. Every once in a while we would run into a gypsy family roaming around just like us from off the coast of Nicaragua. The only difference was that I was on vacation and they were on "their life". My friend had booked the trip from the back of a magazine because it was inexpensive. There was a reason it was inexpensive. This was a half assed outfit we signed on with. They were not outfitted very well with supplies. I froze my entire ass off at night and dealt with hurricane winds that plopped coconuts from above. They hit the ground so hard the ground vibrated every time and this was twenty-four hours a day. We were afraid to go to sleep and when we did that would happen for only a few minutes before another coconut thud a few feet away would wake everyone up to wonder if anyone got hit. We had very little to eat and were fighting over food. Someone brought out a hard boiled egg to share with me and I almost cried over it. Storms prevented our fishing for food so we ate conch four nights a week. Then I went for a jaunt in the jungle to see some myan ruins and was attacked day and night from all kinds of critters biting and gnawing at my skin. One night I counted fifty black fly bites on my body. All of the marks disappeared by the time I got home except for one bite that lasted. I would wake up in the middle of the night itching and scratching... even for two weeks after I returned home. continued...

October 08, 2006

I want to take a break from the hand story because I want to write down specific things as I remember them about my present life with Boner. We have been visiting center city Philadelphia for the last few days. Last night was Saturday night and we went for our daily walk through the busy club, restaurant district. The streets were packed with people and Bo walked with me, no collar or leash. I love to watch the amazement and wonder from people in seeing him act just like them and I have perfected the look of not paying attention to his being on his own so people are not sure if he is with anyone. They always figure it out but I enjoy the reaction of how knowledgeable Boner is in navigating hundreds of walking feet, street corners, crossing streets, other dogs and streetlights. We will go to a coffee shop and as I sit doing computer work Bo will walk throughout the inside and outside onto the sidewalk on his own without supervision making sure he says hello to every single person. This empowerment that my dog has is absolutely without question my favorite thing to experience with Bo. It is a trust with respect and responsibility.

October 07, 2006

I called the agent back the next day to say I could do the job. You bet your ass I could do the job. I was truly amazed. He said he would get back to me when they made a final decision. I waited. I waited. I waited almost a week and a half. I think they may have been feeling me out, who knows. I know that I had to let go of my expectations because I had too strong a hold on the situation concerning desire. I had to wait and not step in and ruin the synchronicity of it all. I had to work on my talent of not interfering with the flow of life. This kind of task has never come naturally to me. I was being careful to not take control in a way that would seem pushy as in push myself out of a wondrous booking. I was getting some practice in the natural push and pull, ying and yang, give and take of life. I finally decided on the two week mark that I would call. I feel that was God given time, as I had needed the time to gain clarity with the situation. The night before I was going to phone, the agent called to book the month and to work out the specifics of overnighting me half the amount as a deposit. I paid my bills and started to go to work. continued...

October 06, 2006

I forget what my bottom number was I think it was four thousand, but I was willing to play for practically nothing which that would have been considering the gas, hotel expenses, food etc... I had nothing else going for me in my life and I needed to do something no matter what to pay for my house, my hospital bills etc... The agent asked if I could do it for fifteen. I thought he meant fifteen hundred and stuttered, as I could not believe he wanted me to play for an entire month for one thousand five hundred dollars. He heard me stutter as I said, "oh no, no, no, I could never afford to do the job for that fee". He asked me to wait a minute while he did some juggling with his figures. He came back about two minutes later and asked if I could do the job or twenty. It dawned on me that he was not talking fifteen hundred he was talking fifteen thousand. I had never dealt in those numbers before. One, two, three, four, five meant one to five dollars. I never thought in terms of ten, twenty and thirty in the thousands. My spirit soared through the roof and I was afraid of the energy. As emotionless as I could possibly be I said, "that might work, let me get back to you tomorrow after I check out my numbers." I hung up the phone and literally ran around in circles on my living room floor. continued...

October 05, 2006

I was told the booking was a month away. I told him I would not be able to contract the job because I would be out of the country. I had already paid in full for a trip to go kayaking off the coast of Belize a long time before. I thought why bring up what an idiot I have been in breaking my hand when it was not necessary. The entertainment guy said the studios really wanted me for the job so maybe they could move the event up a month. I was like, what??? Of course, I played it cool and said I would get back to him. As soon as I got off the phone I called the hand surgeon and asked when the soonest time would be that I could start playing the piano again and he said in two months. I called Universal Studio's and told them I could possibly do it. I sat down and tried to figure out what my costs would be and tried to guess what I would be worth to them. Ugh,ugh,guh. What am I worth in money? I had difficulty in separating the "me" from the "services". As a life long self-promoter, I have never been comfortable with this one area. It was pounded into my psyche that I could never be worth more than anyone else my family knew and anyone in the family that did have money well, we were not like those people and as far as money I should take whatever I am offered. Between the phone calls, back and forth, I was always calling a friend and asking what I should say, ask, respond to... I would write down different scenarios and my questions and the responses and then I would practice saying them out loud. continued...

October 04, 2006

The two weeks after my hand operation were a blur. I remember taking walking at night and having talks with God. I would tell myself that I would accept whatever happened. I would do what I needed to do. If I would never be able to play the piano again I would adjust to that fact. Seeing as I have made my living always from the piano I was lost, but I had to trust and have faith in God and at that time subconsiously in myself. I decided to turn my life and will over to the care of God as I had been doing for many years. I was thankful that I had coping skills and tools to go on living. I came home after a walk and I was sitting at my desk when the phone rang. It was the entertainment director for Universal Studios in Florida. They were having their first mardi gras event and they wanted for me to come down to perform and promote for it. I was flubbing my way through the conversation when a trick I was told in the past kicked in. "Tell them you will need to get back to them so you have some time to think". That is what I did. I had placed a pricy ad two years before in an entertanment book and did not receive any interest from it. When the company called to renew the ad I told them how dissapointed I was and they gave me the ad for another year without cost. The booking inquirey for Universal Studios came from the second years publication. continued...

October 03, 2006

I came home and the first thing I thought about was a booking that I needed to cancel. I had only one scheduled and it was to be in a month, but I felt the need to take care of the cancellation immediately. I called the agent who had booked me. This was my first booking we had talked by phone but I had never met the agent. When I told her that I had crushed my hand, she was concerned for me and started asking questions. When I got to the point where I told her the doctor was not going to do any surgery for two weeks she said, "hold on, let me call you back, I have a neighbor who goes to my church and he is a hand surgeon". She called me back in only a few minutes with a phone number to call the doctor. I called doctor Bong and he told me he would take the trip into center city Philadelphia in the morning to take care of whatever was needed. Doctor Lee Bong was no spring chicken and this guy left his house in New Jersey to brave an ice storm while crossing the river to Graduate hospital. My nephew agreed to drive me and I arrived at the hospital, 7:30 am. The doctor looked at the situation and said he would insert three screws. The other doctor had planned on pins.Dr Bong said I might be able to play the piano again. I felt safe and Doctor Bong gave me hope. I was ready to give up fear. continued...

October 02, 2006

I had a life altering paradigm shift many years before this incident where I learned a completely new set of life skills and tools to use with life when coping gets difficult. I reached out almost instinctually for those tools and the first thing I did was get honest with how this horrible thing happened. I said to myself, "Danny look at what you did to yourself, you were being abusive to your dog and crushed your hand as a result." The second tool was to know that I was not going to get through this alone and that I needed to connect immediately with other people. At first I was afraid so I phoned the friend who lived farthest away, in Israel. The doctors had given five prescriptions for stuff like codeine and xanex to help numb myself out and man oh man did I want to numb myself out. I had decided to stop taking drugs for this purpose many years before but in the moment, my head was ready for trouble, anything but the guilt and shame I was feeling. My friend reminded me of our past history together and how that was not a good idea. He suggested I take what was prescribed for medication and then call some more friends to hookup so they could take care of me until I gained a sense of clarity on how to move forward. I did that. Two of the most chotic friends I knew happened to come over first and I thought I was going to flip because I needed peace and serenity. In the instant of that thought another friend showed up who was the exact opposite of chaos and I thought, "I am being taken care of". This friend John balanced the dynamics out perfectly and has always had a calming effect on me without saying a word. I ended up crying my eyes out in front of twelve friends while they all consoled me with courage to accept responsibility for what I had done. continued...

October 01, 2006

I went to flip Bo down while holding him by his sides and as a result, I smacked the right side of my hand on the tile floor. I smacked it hard. I stopped what I was doing as I sensed I had done something terrible. The hand was swelling up and numb. I thought it best to go to the hospital immediately and grabbed my coat, Bo jumped into the truck and off we went, he knew something was wrong while he sat still and silent. After the x-rays of my hand came back, I was told the news was not good. The doctor tried to explain what he saw and I could not understand. The bottom line was the worst case scenario, the fifth metacarpal bone of my hand had not fractured, did not break, it was crushed and the bones were in pieces. I was instructed to go immediately to a nearby surgeon. It was an ugly day and I drove through an ice storm to the surgeon's office. After waiting an hour and a half, the surgeon came in to explain the situation once again. I asked if I would ever be able to play the piano again and he said probably not. He said the hand was destroyed and the he would put three pins in it that I needed to make an appointment for in about two weeks. I asked why I had to wait so long and he said, "you will wait your turn like everyone else". I was in shock from the situation and felt powerless in front of the doctor with an inability to respond. I know I was feeling anger at his attitude but did not know what to do. continued...

September 30, 2006

It was Christmas time and Bo and I had been trying to adjust to each other for over a year. Christmas was a big event for me every year but this year was different. I had disassociated from my family, my father had died so this was the first year without both parents who really gave Christmas to me every year throughout my life, I had recently purchased my house, had little work, no health insurance and I was basically alone except for Boner. We were going through what I was calling a "Battle of the Wills" with what would happen evertime I would leave the house and come home. Bo would come to the front door and pee on the floor. I could not get him to do it outside. I tried about ten different ways. It was crazy. I will explain what happened with the last straw. He was being cage trained at this point of our relationship because I wanted to take him with me when I traveled overnight so I felt it necessary. I came home and propped open the front door, ran excitedly to his cage, threw open the door and ran back outside calling him along the way. He seemed happy to see me and jumped out of his cage following me but stopped dead in his tracks inside the front door and peed for like the twentieth time. I just had it. Frustrated and angry I tried to push him down in his pee so he would become as disgusted with himself as I was with him. We had a struggle he would not go down. continued...

September 29, 2006

When all training methods or tactics failed or when I projected that they would, when I lacked patience I would resort to fear when trying to get Boner to do what I wanted him to do. I learned that fear did not work. Bo never started to resent me or act out as a result of my trying to put "the fear of God" into him, he just stayed his course. He learned to tolerate whatever I dished up so if I hit him, he would stay his course. If I hit him harder, he would learn to take it harder. If I isolated him, he would deal with it. He would adjust himself to whatever level of behavior I would throw towards him. He started to use me to learn how to tolerate just about everything a person could throw at him in life. For Bo learning how to be domesticated was not through a battle of the wills and it was not a matter of giving in. That was my crap. For Bo it was all about staying the course till death if necessary while learning through my fear and dysfunctions. I created an incredible amount of anguish, pain, guilt, shame, and frustration for myself and Boner simply... stayed his course. He watched and tolerated and was even patient. It seemed he was becoming stronger each time I upped the ante of punishment or manipulation but what was really happening was that I was regressing. Boner helped me to grow up and mature as a person because eventually I had to acknowledge his strength, he was completely consistent with it. He forced me to look at myself. Fear never stopped Boner from the path he chose to take, he simply stayed the course while I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off trying this and that trying to manipulate him until my behavior reached a climax and my world started to crumble. continued....

September 28, 2006

When I was first training Bo, I had to learn to have conviction with my commands. This was a major challenge. I had to really mean what I said and I knew it was important to follow through. I had to learn to trust myself that I really meant whatever command I gave. So when I said, "sit"... it was not.... "please sit... I hope you will sit... what if you don't sit... I wonder how many times will I have to say sit before you actually do... you like me talking to you, I will repeat myself as many times as you need to hear it... your not smart enough you will need repetition... I hope you will understand the command... I hope you hear me... do not be stubborn I will keep saying sit until I will win... you are disobeying me I will say sit until I tire you out... (subconsciously) please manipulate or try to manipulate me to stay connected and engaged with you... I like hearing myself so I will repeat sit, sit, sit... give me a reason to distract my life in spending time telling you to sit", ahh........ Yes, I better stop.

September 27, 2006

As far as early training with Boner goes, it is difficult for me to say that I was hard on him, but that fact is that sometimes I was. There were times when I was down right abusive. I did the best I could do at the time. I had limited tools to begin with when it came to coping and developing a relationship with a dog and no experience. Through trial and error, I had to learn that I needed to seek out better and different ways to behave. I can honestly say that I have matured from those abusive areas. Abusive behavior has no place in my life today. I thank God that I was able to rise to the occasion to do what I needed to do in order to have the incredible relationship that we have today. I would never had been able to mentor my son into the main stream of life had I not learned how to respect Bo in his life first.

September 26, 2006

Boner is by nature an alpha dog. When my son was living with us and there was a disturbance, as part of the pack Bo used all of his control as an alpha dog... not step in. He wants to settle disputes, run interference, he would like to tell me what to do and guide me. Sometimes I let him do that when we are hiking in the woods. I am sure that as an alpha dog Bo would have done a better job with me than I have done with him. I had to take charge in the beginning from a sense of fear because that is all that I knew. He had to know I was the boss. Not because I wanted to be bossy but because I wanted to live with him. I came to find that fear was never necessary. Bo has always looked for direction from me and has been willing when I have been patient enough to give him the time to find the willingness.

September 25, 2006

Sometimes when I go to spend a minute with Boner on the couch he jumps at the chance for a good bell rub. He will use the side of the couch for support while he flips onto his back so I can give him a healthy rub down. As I do this, he will yawn and use his paws to rub his eyes like a little kid. Boner often uses his front paws and leg joints like arms. He will box using one arm at a time and then use both of them at the same time to grab hold of me. When he is on his back playing I will be dealing with four wildly boxing arms at once.

September 24, 2006

Bo has always been sensitive to touch probably because I have always been sensitive when approaching him. I do not want him to be afraid of being handled by me or other people. I believe he took on my fear of squeezing or holding him to tight or uncomfortably restricting his ability to move, or my coming into contact with a sensitive area that would create a yelp from him. The yelps have always scared me. He lets me know what is up. He does it with his breathing when I am holding him. When he get the slightest bit nervous he creates a strain with his breath to tell me that he is nervous and wants me to be especially careful or he will lick my hand.

September 23, 2006

I have had my single most significant life experience one night while lying with Boner on my couch. My mind, body and soul were in a complete state of worldly chaos, insecurity, worry and fear. As I lay in tears, holding Bo, I began to transform into state of total calmness, I had "let go" completely to just "be" with Bo as he is always with me. We entered totally into the moment together and I experienced my first feeling of complete contentment. I was able to "be" and "stay present" along with Bo. I knew that everything was and is to be totally ok, right and good. The state I was in was the true experience of life as it is. I am certain this was the greatest gift I have had to date.

September 22, 2006

My most special time with Boner is usually at night. I will getup from my desk or the living room sofa and go sit on the floor in front of him so that we are head to head. Bo has usually been sleeping on the couch half buried in the alpaca rug with his head resting on the red pillow I sit and connect with him in a very intimate and spiritual sense. I get to be quiet and still as Boner allows me to align myself with him in total harmony. I get to totally join and be together with another thinking, feeling living being. I get to tell him how much I love him and what a great dog he is, wonderful, smart and my best buddy. He will always have a need to respond by carefully licking the hand or arm I am using to pet him while I talk.

September 21, 2006

My most favorite times with Bo are when I go over to him while he is laying on the couch just to be close for a little while. These times are "all about me" and Boner is "all about just being with me" when I need him, thank God. We often "check in" with each other throughout the day, this starts in the morning after he eats and I am on the floor doing my stretching exercises. He comes up to me and sits down leaning against my body while throwing one of his paws over my chest for a good morning hug. That is like a, "thanks for breakfast" hug and then he is ready for play. I go to Bo for comfort mostly at night when I am finishing up with work but also during the day when I am so crazed that I need to stop for a second or two. He has always been receptive and I have always approached him slowly because I do not want to jar him from his peacefulness I want to join him in it. In his entire life, I can say he has been grumpy no more than two times. continued...

September 20, 2006

My first dreaded thought after I brought Boner home had to do with clipping his toenails. I was told if I did not take care of them for him they would grow and curl around into themselves and cause a lot of trouble for him like an ingrown toenail. I went to the store to find just the right toenail clippers and carefully examined how they would work. I am not good with tools. I took his paw in my hand and thought to myself, "now just relax". I shake a lot by nature so being steady when I am nervous to begin with is a challenge. I also thought, "it is only going to take one wrong move and he's going to give me trouble forever". More importantly, I did not want to hurt him. My good intentions did not pan out. There was a scream... blood... and I said to myself, "I'm done, I can't do this, I'll pay to have it done if needed". I tried to get the nerve to cut them several more times over the years but could not do it. Bo and I both were just too scared. It has never been necessary anyway. As long as I walk him on cement enough, the cement acts as a natural file for his nails.

September 19, 2006

I often say while performing that I was told Boner would be a great "chick" magnet. He is, but for himself not me. I believe the correct terminology for today is that Bo makes for a great "wing man". Still, I have never had the opportunity to really explore that possibility because Boner's talent of getting the attention and keeping it all for himself could never be a match for any talent I could develop. The best that I have ever done to take his lead is to say something like, "what about me, am I cute, why don't you pat my head, huh?"

September 18, 2006

I have been lucky that Boner is not a digger. Without too much trouble, I discourage the behavior in the beginning and the habit never took hold. Bo does like to hide his treasures. He does not enjoy gnawing on pig ears but loves to hide them. He is really, really good at hiding stuff. When he wants to hide a big bone, I will hear him trouncing around the house for hours with it in his mouth thinking and searching for the perfect spot. I have spent hours curiously trying to find his hiding spots. As soon as I discover where he hid something, he abandons the spot for a new one. Bo will go deep into closets pulling out all the storage and after placing the bone will replace everything in front of it like nothing was moved. If he recently hide a bone and it is still in his memory and a visitor comes calling he will begin to run around the house like a crazy man looking for it to show off. He is so good at hiding that he often cannot find his own hiding places.

September 17, 2006

Bo can occupy himself for hours knowing he has chased a squirrel into a tree and it is in the tree sitting, waiting, teasing, and playing. They play the waiting game together as Bo sits at complete attention never taking his eyes off the animal. I often wonder how Boner doesn't get a stiff neck because he never moves from the position of head pointed skyward the entire time. There are bird feeders close by with sometimes over a hundred birds hovering and eating of the ground about 12 feet away. I enjoy the fact that they co-habitat so well together. The birds have seen Bo chase the squirrels off the feeders many times and I have a feeling that helps their not being fearful of him along with the fact that he has never gone after them.

September 16, 2006

Sometimes I wonder what plays more in Boner's head, practicality or sneakiness. Bo rarely has done anything sneaky but when he does, his "smarts" totally amaze me and as a result, I remember them well. I was sitting in the living room one night and assuming that Bo was lying around somewhere. I heard a strange drop like sound in the house but I thought nothing of it as I am always hearing strange noises as the house. The house is always settling. About sixty seconds later I heard it again. After about the fifth time I became curious because something was definitely going on. It was such a light drop, a light tap that I could not identify the area it was coming from. It had a rhythm to it. I moved quietly around the house while listening closely. As I turned the corner into the kitchen there was Bo standing as still as possible next to his food container hanging on the wall with a look of being caught. He had discovered a new trick. Boner's plastic container full of food at the bottom, where the food is released, has a slit of no more than an eighth of an inch when closed. Bo had discovered the small opening and food morsels bulging from the crack. He thought, "if I can very carefully lick every so gently that morsel of food... it will fall out and no one would know. I need to do it one at a time so that I do not create an avalanche. Be careful." And so he did. It worked and he paced himself to continued with his newfound talent. What amazes me most is his ability to focus, be gentle, methodical and determined. I wonder about the origin of those qualities. Has he in some way modeled me? Is he truly an old soul? Is he a new and unique spirit?

September 15, 2006

I have always tried to be patient and consistent when teaching Bo. When it came to the back porch, Boner started a habit of fetching sticks from the yard and bringing them onto the porch to chew apart. He would create a real mess by shredding sticks into millions of pieces and spreading the pieces everywhere. I decided I would try to substitute the stick shredding habit for a chew toy habit. Every time Bo would run and get a stick to drop on the porch, I would take it from him and give him his chew toy. I would explain that the toy was what he was supposed to be chewing on not the stick. He was not interested. He would drop the toy and run to get another stick. We did this about five times until he gave up and started to chew his toy. I padded myself on the back for a job well done and went into the house. I came back to check about sixty seconds later to find Bo chewing on his toy but he had also brought a stick onto the porch. He looked up at me while chewing his toy like, "this is correct, right"? I said good boy, and I went back into the house. The next time I went out, I saw that he had moved his toy over to the stick but he was still being obedient by chewing on the toy, no problem I went back into the house. Sixty seconds later I went to do a surprise check one more time and in the matter of a second, I catch Bo jumping from the stick to the toy. He was trying to not get caught. Pretty smart, eh? This incident happened when Bo was ten weeks old. It was quite an eye opener for me to discover just how clever and intelligent Boner became in such a short time and how quickly he had learned to reason and problem solve. At that moment, I decided to make sure that I would never under estimate my dog on any level.

September 14, 2006

My first lesson of insight concerning Boners intelligent, cognitive skills came within our first two weeks together. I was teaching Bo what was his and what was mine, what toys he could rip apart and what was not a toy. I used to buy Bo cute little squeaky cloth teddy bears and not one of them ever lasted more than thirty minutes no matter how strong the quality of the toy. Boner could not care less about the squeaks it was all about the number of pieces he could create from tearing the toy apart. When he would play outside Bo would constantly fetch sticks to bring onto the back porch and tear them to smithereens. I could not keep the porch clean or get him to keep his sticks on the lawn. Boner has always enjoyed making the largest mess possible with his sticks sometimes the size of a log. He creates hundreds of wood slivers and spreading them everywhere.

September 13, 2006

Bo enjoys being sneaky. He has often toyed with me concerning his ability to get away with anything whether it is for play or to do something he knows that he should not do. When we are out walking Boner will sometimes disappear without me noticing. He decides to walk directly behind me while creating a distance of about two feet so that I cannot see him with my peripheral vision. This is without question play for him. He then paces his walking to be instep with mine and makes sure his paws are as light as possible when they hit the surface so I cannot hear them. He starts to control his breathing, all panting stops and he closes his mouth. As I start to notice and slow down, he slows down. As I stop, he stops directly behind me. I will turn around and he will turn with me. Then I will make a quick jerk with my head to see him and he looks up tilting his head with his, "what...what...? I say, "what are you doing" and then he starts to wag his tail and jump around. Our ability to communicate in a playful manor has been very important to our relationship.

September 12, 2006

I watched a woman try to teach and control her puppy as it wanted to run up to Boner. The dog reacted the way Boner used to act... with a blood curdling scream like it was being slammed up against a brick wall. I remember this so well because Bo learned almost immediately as a puppy that his screaming scared the shit out of me, made me feel guilty, and struck a chord of fear that someone would accuse me of abusing him. As he started to learn this, he substituted screaming for barking. I used to tell him to stop acting like a baby. Ooohhh... he still tries it sometimes when we are playing. Now he uses it more as a warning for me to be careful when being physical to a sensitive area on his body. I remember vividly his first time with the screaming trick in public. We were doing the Doo Dah parade in Ocean City New Jersey and he started to bark at people walking by. He would not respond to my verbal commands so I but my hand around his snout while telling him that the behavior would not be tolerated. This was at a time when me were at a battle of wills every step of the way. Boner started to scream and a woman walked by saying that she was going to call the police if I did not stop abusing my dog. I was so stunned I just looked at her like she was an idiot but Bo caught on and right away began trying to scream his head off and making grunting sounds like, "help, help, I can't breath, I can't breath". It was a do or die moment and I did not know what to do. I could have caved into the inappropriate fear the woman was creating or stand my ground with my dog. I did the right thing. I stood my ground. Bo learned that the behavior was not going to fly. From that day on, he stopped barking at people.

September 11, 2006

As Bo and I were walking, I thought, "when Boner passes from his lifetime I will have no choice but to embrace my soul with all of my heart in order to keep him in my life." I know his spiritual nature will live on and so we will stay connected in that realm. I made a clear decision a long time ago that I will not ever let our bond dissipate in the absence of his physical state. Boner has demonstrated throughout his life that we are soul mates and I have accepted that fact. I acknowledge it, I am grateful for it and I share it. I have always been committed to life through the spirit first and lastly from as early as I can remember.

September 10, 2006

Boner cajoled me into playing with him last night. I am always trying to understand his play. I want take his leads as to what he wants to do how he wants to play. We have a routine of running around the house, specifically around the dining room table while running in and out between the living room and dinning room. I chase him. Boner has never had an interest in chasing me. I think without question he has learned to think of and enjoy variety as I do in life. As I have been Bo's sole role model, it makes sense that he would take my lead with everything. When we go for walks everyday and we come to a cross section of a path, Bo waits till I tell him what direction we will take. I say, "lets go this way today." The walks stay interesting for me in always looking for a new route to take for fun. Bo likes the breaks in routine and he has shown it in his play. When we are engaged in our "in house" running around... usually for one time Boner will break the routine and do a circle all the way around the house through the dinning room, living room, office, kitchen and back to the dinning room. In addition, for only one time in each session he will trick me and go through the table from underneath instead of around. He does this only once because I think he knows if it becomes routine it will lose the element of surprise. We both work to always keep a sense of newness, freshness and an element of surprise in our relating. When we play, we are always trying to trick each other as to what our next move will be. I think it is in the nature of a good relationship to always test and question. In play, I try to repeat moves with him until he realizes he is getting caught in a pattern. He has always been too smart to be fooled for more than three times.

September 9, 2006

I especially love the pictures that I take of Boner. They tend to be close up and have more personality then when other people take snapshots of him. I wonder if it is me as in my talent, or our chemistry together, or Bo's posing for me in particular. Maybe it is my imagination but I do think there is something to it. I am taking close notice of Bo's looks especially in his present stage of life. There is more contrast in the lines of his body, his veins show more, and his hair coloring is starker. Boner has more whiskers and there is more hair between his paws. His hair feels like a worn old fur coat when I rub him. It is familiar but course now not so soft. His skin and hair rolls with my hands and does not stick to his body as it did when he was younger. I now feel all of his bones, all of his rib cage. I love it all. I want to be able to appreciate every stage of his life for what it is so I can know all of him all of his life. He is getting more bumps and what are called "tags", little nubs, and fleshy growths. I work to be unafraid of them. He knows they are there he can feel them when I give him a rub down. I consciously do not let any new changes interfere with the love that flows from my hands. I love to play with his soft smooth ears. Now I play with his soft smooth ears that have some bumps on them. "It is what it is". I take it the way I can get it. I work to embrace the changes I treat everything new I find on Boner's body as a natural development, which it is. Of course, I always have a natural eye out for anything that might need a natural trip to the vet.

September 8, 2006

I realized something more about myself through a commonality that Boner and I share. We both are able to connect spiritually in the same ways. Boner is conscious in the experience of a person's spirit beyond the physical level. He is not fearful, shy or resistant to the pureness of human spirit in any way. Boner is not affected by a person's physical attributes, movements or neurological functions. He is affected by the truth of their spirit. I have always felt a connection with people of special needs and as with Boner, it is a natural connection and not because of any special need of my own or anyone else's. I have always wanted to connect in spirit first and foremost. Bo has always done this naturally. That is why he has never failed to win over everyone he has ever spent time with. If another spirit is open with goodness, damaged or not, Bo will trust them completely. He knows a spirit wanting to act with anger and hurt and he lets me in on knowing that, every time. He does not look for good or bad when relating he instinctively, instantly experiences the reality and goes with the flow.

September 7, 2006

Boner and I have developed a new habit. When I am finished working at night I turn around from my desk and Bo simultaneously looks up from his spot on the couch. I go over to him as he automatically flips onto his back and squishes over to give me room to jump on board to join him. Then we simply lay together while I let the days thoughts drift away and I settle into the present moment with him. Boner lays his head in my arm he gets a full belly rub and his eyes slowly roll into the back of his head until he falls asleep. We have moved from the stage of... can't stay still, to... can't stay on back, to... I'll get on my back but the rub needs to turn to play within thirty seconds, to... it tickle's to... the rub is nice but for only a minute, to... rub all you want but I'm watching you, to... ahhh this feels so good savor, savor, savor. There is one more stage to hit and it is the... tickle me ever so lightly I want your rub to be like a feather that I can feel so I can drift off into never never land with you next to me. Does it sound like I am in love with my dog? I am. Nothing romantic no need for concern. It is just wonderful to have a soul mate and to be present with them in the moment, sharing the simplicity of just being together and not alone.

September 6, 2006

It was at this point when Boner became a perfect dog. From the moment that I accepted Boner as a dog doing the best that he can do and when I accepted that I had been acting like an ass and was really hurting myself as a result, Bo began to do everything I asked him to do. He began to behave appropriately and intuitively without my even needing to ask. He never again peed on the floor. I no longer had to watch him like a hawk. He never needed a leash or collar from that point on. He began to anticipate his behavior in almost every situation and began to stop himself to check in with me before acting out. We began a true working partnership full of first and foremost, respect. Love, appreciation and gratitude grows daily from the respect.

September 5, 2006

It was in the moment when grace entered into my life and I was able to embrace it with all of my heart and soul. I have always wanted to be the best person that I can be. I accepted that this was the same truth for Boner. Bo had been ready to become a functioning partner; he was just waiting for me. I learned in the moment that as much as I loved my dog I was not respecting him enough. I let go of the control, the fear and repression that I had been creating. These qualities were smothering our relationship. I let go of the expectations and projections concerning Boner's behavior. I gave up the fight, the battle of wills, the need to dominate. In reality I never had to dominate or prove anything to Boner especially that I was top dog. To start with, his food came from me. My self absorbed insecurities, lack of faith and trust in myself were the problems. My almost pathological messaging of not being good enough and not capable where always in play. When I got honest and took a look at how I was repeating behaviors that I was taught and were modeled for me growing up I began to understand how ridiculous it was to expect Boner to respond in positive ways from negative behaviors and thoughts. What I was taught did not work for me and it certainly would not work for an animal using basic instincts. continued...

September 4, 2006

It all came to a head when I finally got so angry that I tried to push him down in it. Bo would not give in so I grabbed him by his sides to physically flip him down. As I did that, I smacked my right hand on the ground of my foyer floor. Through my hasteful, chaotic and impatient mind, I had smacked my hand really hard on the ground. Self-destruct indeed. I pushed, shoved flipped myself to the brink of losing everything I knew in my world. It was only when my world began to crumble that I came to my senses. I remember thinking, "you did something really bad here, you better get to the hospital immediately." The result was that I had crushed my fifth metacarpal, the side of my hand and would need several pins. I would probably never play the piano again professionally. On hearing the news I remember having an immediate moment of grace. I got honest with myself in saying, "you were abusing your dog and now look what you did to yourself as a result." I was always trying to do the best with what I had to work with but it was not enough to keep out of harms way. It was this moment of clarity that changed my life forever and most importantly my relationship with Boner. My own personal story took a giant leap in this moment but that will be best saved for another time. continued...

September 3, 2006

This was at a time in my life when I was very insecure, vulnerable and in a potentially self-destructive mode. I had recently brought my house, I had no money, no jobs, no health insurance, no special someone in my life. It was Christmas time, a very emotionally charged time for me. I was estranged from my family and had no support. I had no relatives left, my mom had passed away many years before and it was my first Christmas without my dad as he had died in the summer. I was alone except for Boner and I was stressed while trying to move forward with my life. I would come home after running an errand to let Bo out of his cage. I wanted him to run outside to pee but he would always stop inside the front door and pee on the floor. I tried everything. I would prop the doors open, create excitement about going outside, run to open the cage door and then quickly run outside hoping he would follow but every time he would stop dead in his tracks at the front door and pee on the floor. continued...

September 2, 2006

I remember someone telling me that it would take several years for Boner and I to truly synchronize our mutual needs and become a mutually functioning, working duo. Boner would not really start to calm down and "get it" what ever "it" was until about two years after our start together. This is what happened, except for that fact that it was not Bo who needed to "get it"; I was the one who needed to "get it". True to form, I held out for as long as possible living in ignorance and denial as to how my controlling willfulness was destroying my world in relationship to Boner. It was not until my world started to crumble before my very eyes that I was able to stop and take a look at myself and what was happening concerning our relationship. continued...

September 1, 2006

Business is using fear to manipulate people... become aware. I was opening a bank account online and they did not want my business as long as I used the name of my dog in the personal information field because they found it offensive..."what is the name of your first pet"... an attempt at personal and thought repression. I looked at the American Flag icon on the page (the only thing that was not orange and white) and I excerised my right to phone and say, "This is personal information, just who is this information offensive to? I am the only person with access to it. Is your business is trying to direct what will be offensive or not to me? Business shalt not dictate the morals and values of my life... let alone my thoughts." This reminded me of a typical bureaucrat focused on trying to figure out why you can't do whatever it is that you are doing." Ugh. I cancelled the account. That was that. It is what it is. Yikes... Sometimes I am glad to be older these days. It is not easy to find good business to work with. Boner is the name of my dog and if you do not have anything nice to assign to that name, do not assign anything. Whew! I am done.

August 31, 2006

People have always had many different personal reactions to Boner's name. I put people into groups when it comes to my extensive experience with this issue. Those people with minds of dirty sexual feelings think of Boner as dirty sexual name. This is with about ten percent of the people that I meet. They attribute and direct disgusting and offensive thoughts towards Boner's name. Fortunately, this is a small but usually loud class of people with minds that think dirty sexual feelings. Twenty percent of the people attach playful sexual feelings to Boner's name with their minds. These people usually giggle and snicker or make what they think is a funny snide remark as a way of connecting with me. I would say a strong twenty percent of the people I interact with have no sexual feelings attached to the name Boner. They think of Boner as a name of a dog because that is what I present to them, or they have known other dogs named Boner. His name comes across very naturally to them. Fifty percent of my experience is with people who consciously or subconsciously suppress any thought or feeling about the name or are people who just do not think anything about the name because there is no reason to address it. Who important is it? I cannot resist with... What Is In A Name? continued...

August 30, 2006

It was very different just ten years ago and believe me I can speak as an expert, I have lived through it, I know. Now... the SEX Police are after Boner's name! Back when... Boner was a playful name as well as a dog's name. Sure, there were those who attached a fun sexual innuendo, it was no big deal. It is becoming an increasingly big deal as seems anything that can be attributed to fear in the world. With an ever growing fearful society, Boner's name is becoming more repressed and as a result less accepted and respected. I say stand up and shout 'BONER' from the top of the mountains! continued...

August 29, 2006

Considering his name, Boner was born in a good era compared to today. Back in the good old days Boner's name was not important and he was respected along with his name. It is a name for a dog. Bo is becoming increasingly respected only as a dog. Some people are trying to repress his name. A small loud group of repressive people that is all it takes and rarley do people with other opinons speak up. It is as ridiculous as when people try to suppress the musical names of Ragtime and Boogie Woogie. They do, I am not kidding. They attach dirty and disgustingly offensive feelings to those wonderful musical styles and names. People have screamed at me while performing, "the devils left hand!"... concerning Boogie Woogie and, "dirty sex music"... because Ragtime became popular in bordello's back in the early nineteen hundreds. I want to scream, "this is 2006 people!!!" continued...

August 28, 2006

I have nature all over my house as I collect stuff from wherever I visit. My most prized possession was a six-pointed starfish with a four-inch circumference that I had found while walking on he beach on Block Island off the coast of Maine. I found this starfish during the pre-Bo days. I had it displayed in just the right spot and position so I could enjoy it constantly on my foyer lamp table. This starfish had very had special memories for me. When I think back to the strangest experience I have had with Bo I immediately think about the starfish. In the beginning when I was over controlling about everything, I thought I had a firm grip on life with Bo and he could do no wrong because I never gave him a chance. I was "on him 24/24." I treated him as I was treated while growing up, that is what I knew. I am very sketchy on the details but I remember leaving Boner home for the first time while I went to run an errand, it was for a half hour. He was not alone I had a friend stay with him. I did not trust him in the house yet. Boner was about a year old. My friend said Boner had left the room once while I was away and that was only for moments. When I came home, mind you the start fish was significant to me so I was always aware of it, I noticed immediately that the star fish was missing exactly one half of one stem and was hardly out of place. I was amazed and, well the feeling of amazement overwhelmed the feeling of disappointment. Bo had never jumped up on anything, he had never touched anything on the ground or on a table, and he never disturbed anything at any time. I had hundreds of eclectic chachkas and mementoes sitting everywhere in the house and Boner choose to go after the one thing I valued most and it was small. How did that happen? How did it happen so fast? How did it happen so carefully as not to disturb anything around it? Did he know that one tiny thing was my most prized? To this day, my analytical nature has never found a bottom line concerning the meaning or message of the incident. It did validate that communication exists with Boner on a very sophisticated level.

August 27, 2006

When Boner was younger, I never took the time to teach him the correct protocol concerning fetch. He ate the first frisbee that I threw for him. After that, he just caught the frisbees and chewed them to pieces. The game improved when I discovered clothe frisbees. Then Bo learned to bring them to me but it was for the purpose of playing tug of war. Then he tried to teach me the game he preferred over all others called, "try to catch me and get it." we did go through a period where he was great at jumping in the air to make his catches but as the years moved on he tired of it. He would catch the frisbee to satisfy me then purposely drop it as in, no more. Now when he sees the frisbee in my hand he still gets excited for only one or two tosses and then he is done.

August 26, 2006

Boner goes out with me in the morning to sit on the back porch when the weather is nice. His first task is to run while barking straight for the tree at the end of our property whether the local squirrel is running for the tree or not. He jumps up everyday in an attempt to climb the tree and reach the imaginary squirrel chewing at the bark in the process. It is as though he is doing it for show. He wants every living creature insight to see and hear him say, "I'm here so just watch yourself in my territory or I'm gonna get you." After he is done showing his "stuff", he comes back to the porch area to lie on a large round piece of slate in the grass and in the sun. I think this is his favorite part of the day as he sits basking in life with all of his senses. He has a fully belly from just finishing his food, he has created a presence in his space and it is now time to relax and enjoy the fresh daytime air. After a while, he will come under the porch to sit with me for a while or to say "come play with me". He will sit by my side and wait to catch the sent or sound of a mouse slipping through the pond rocks and then off he will run to investigate.

August 25, 2006

Let me tell you how destructive this dog Boner has been to our house. He is an animal so what am I to expect? He needs to be animalish at times. Actually, Bo has pooped in the house no more than ten times in his life and only when he had no choice. I think that is pretty good and the times that he has done it have been when he ate something that caused him to have diarrhea in the middle of the night. He may have peed once when he was a pup. I think that amazing. He throws up every once in a while but it has never been on my good oriental rug and has always been on the cheap rugs and in the same spots. My front and back door bases have scratch marks from three episodes of scratching when he was young. He became afraid to stay on his own while I went on an errand or the reason he scratched the front door was to try to get out to find me, twice. The third time was the back door when he was trying to get outside to go to the bathroom. He was just trying not to mess in the house how could I punish him? I could not. He learned that leaving marks in the wood made me angry and did not do the trick for him. That's it. Boner has never torn anything up, chewed anything up, no other incidents in his entire life.

August 24, 2006

As far as strange behavior goes, far be it for me to accuse Boner of behaving a little neurotic at times. I am the person he learned everything from. We were in Chicago as I was there to attend a seminar. There was the strangest cold snap and snowstorm in memory for the area and I did not want to leave Boner in the truck all day as it would be too cold for too long. I went to the hotel people and explained my dilemma. I asked if they would watch him for me and they considered keeping him in the back office for me but then they gave Boner his own room to stay in while I attended a few meetings. I thought everything was fine until while riding the elevator between floors during one of my breaks, I heard two girls talking and the one said, "did you hear that dog barking up on the fifth floor for the last hour?" A major shot of discomfort came over me as I raced to the room. What I found was amazing to me. Poor guy, I thought he would be ok but I suppose all the noise going on outside the room was too much for him, either that or... well I'll never really know. Bottom line is that he took a dump behind the big chair in the room and it really smelled and the windows did not open. He did not know what to do with himself or how to handle the situation so he choose to act out his anxiety by chewing a quarter sized, quarter as in coin... sized hole right in the middle of the hotel room's freshly laid new wall to wall rug with no seams in it. he had spent his time taking each thread out individually and he equally distributed the stands all over the room. I thought, "oh shit". I took him outside right away to go pee and then ran back to the room before anyone like housekeeping came by. I found all the threaded carpet pieces, carefully aligned them together into the size of quarter, plugged the hole and Bo and I made a fast emergency exit. I hope no one got into trouble because they were all so generous to us but there was no way I was going to pay for a entire new wall to wall carpet in a four star luxury hotel. I left thinking, "where is my elmer's glue when I need it."

August 23, 2006

I have had to sneak Boner into hotel rooms on several occasions. When Bo was a pup, I created an energy of disaster the very first time he barked on hearing someone walking in the hallway outside. I looked at him as sternly as possible and whispered, "no" as harshly as I could. I created hand signals for shhh... and he was able to understand almost immediately. He wanted to protect us but I told him that we could not be discovered or we would get thrown out. This great friend of mine had to be reminded only, maybe two times more after that. He remembered what to do without having done it for many years in between touring. Now he knows the routine. I get a room where I can park the truck by a back door. Boner lies on the floor while I am doing that so no one can see him from the front desk. He stays in the truck until I get everything in the room. When the coast is clear I open the back door of the hotel, then the truck door and then Boner runs right by my side into the room, I close the room door, Bo waits in the room while I run outside to lock up the truck and then back to his forever wagging tail. I do allot of whispering to Boner in the room so he knows that we are in a quiet environment. When Bo hears strange knocks and noises from the hallway outside he looks to me for validation that everything is alright or he lays down with his paws stretched straight out in front and puts his head between them like he is trying to cover his ears so he does not hear anything that will trigger his natural instinct to sound an alarm.

August 22, 2006

When we did go away on a trip for the first time, to my surprise Bo went and relieved himself close by where I could see him and then came running right back to me with no wasted time. My dog is smart, he knew what was going on, and he knew what was needed. This was when I started to learn that all I needed was to trust Boner. My projections of what might happen were not helpful for him and nothing good was to come from them. Where was my respect for him as an animal concerning his instinctual needs? The only respect I had at that point at that point of our relationship concerned a respect according to my needs. I needed to give Bo a chance. Empower him with trust. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Let him figure it out on his own. Boner did not want to leave me, he did not want to be in a strange place without me, and he respected his space and our house enough to not want to mess it up with poop. Boner knew we were visiting somewhere and that it was important to cooperate the same as at home and not mark the territory inside. He knew what to do. Now if he had smelled another recent animal inside that might have been a different story. Then he would have had to really fight his own instincts, which he has done. Boner has always wanted to simply please and be pleased.

August 21, 2006

I needed for Bo to shit on the leash. I spent weeks watching him closely in the house so he did not mess while taking him outside every hour on the leash to do his duty. He refused. After a full day, I started every half hour. He refused. Thinking back now, maybe the leash was not long enough. I attributed it to stubbornness, too strong a will, his trying to dominate me, all the things that were attributed to me as a child. They were wrong then and I was also wrong concerning Boner. The second night I became concerned. I woke up all through the night, no kidding here, every half hour and took him out to shit. He was not going to do it in the house and he was going to do it on the leash! I continued it for the third day in fact I had an appointment with my analyst in the afternoon and I called to say I needed to cancel because I had been trying to get my dog to shit on the leash for the last two days, I had no sleep because of it, and I was not going to give up now. I had invested too much of myself. I preferred to give up the money, a substantial amount for the session, rather then give into the battle of wills that I had created. Actually, it was my own battle of will with me. Bo just needed to be who he was, a dog. He had no choice. I ran him hoping that would inspire him to shit. I walked him in all of his favorite pooping areas and still he would just not give in. At the end of the third night I became concerned for his health, so I gave him allot of food that would surely create the need to alleviate himself. He finally did, and I gave up at that point, finally. continued...

August 20, 2006

In the beginning, I needed for Boner to shit on the leash. When traveling on the road or in a restricted area I was still concerned he would run off and get into trouble. Every time I took him out behind the house, it was on a leash. Boner is very private with his pooping and does not like a public displays when relieving himself. He always goes behind a building, a bush or anywhere that he cannot be seen unless it is out in the wild where he will plop down out in the middle of an open field so that every animal in tarnation can see him claiming the territory. In fact, one of the things he does when we are out is look for areas that have been previously marked so he can re-mark them. continued...

August 19, 2006

For the first year, I was very anal as to where Bo should poop. I did not want to be stepping in it all the time and was too lazy to avoid it. I designated a specific poop spot for Bo in the yard. I watched him like a hawk. I said, no, no, no repeatedly when he disobeyed. The methods I used worked for as long a time as I stayed on top of my training in making sure he did the right thing. I did not take into account that Boner is a dog and one of the most important things in life for him is to mark his territory. I did not understand that his nature is way stronger than my attempts at domestication or creation of a battle of wills. When it comes to nature Boner always wins in the end. As soon as I turn my head the other way, he would do his deed. I tried everything, changing the fencing area, keeping him on a leash in the yard, letting him see that I was going to wait to make sure he did it in the right spot, I mean I would wait for hours. I was pathetic but it was the best I could do, what I knew to do. It was pure trial and error. When I think about it now, how could I expect Boner after "smelling out" that an intruder had just invaded his space in our yard, how could I not expect him to protect it, reclaim it, and secure it. Marking territory is a fundamental need for a dog. Bo knows I do not like him pooping all over the yard but his territory is more important than my convenience. I had to learn to respect that. What I have learned to do for myself is take him for a walk in the fields everyday. He loves to do this and saves all of his poop in anticipation of the walk. Hell, why waste it in the yard when he needs every plop that he can muster up to claim the entire neighborhood as his own.

August 18, 2006

Back to how Boner became part of my life. I was advised to crate train Boner from the start. If we ever flew on a plane, stayed in a hotel or if he had to be left alone in strangers house this crate would be his safe haven, his den. It would have been much more difficult for him adjusting to a crate as an adult. It was to also be used as an aid for my house so that it would not be ripped apart and used as a toilet when I left to go on an errand or an appointment. Bo was always indifferent to the cage except for when he wanted to use it as a safety zone from trouble. He would go to the bathroom in the cage every time I left the house. I would quadrant the area inside to make it smaller hoping that he would not want to sit in his own poo. That never worked no matter what. I would leave him no space to move and still, he would take a dump and sit in it. Freud would have a field day with what was to come with our potty training battle of wills. I stopped using the crate within the first two years. It became unnecessary although I think the crate added to Boner's appreciation of spatial boundaries and limits. I am thankful to have stored it away forever as it personally did not visually feel good for me. Bo could care less.

August 17, 2006

I have made the decision to incorporate real food into Boner's diet. I have often thought about doing this but I have been fearful because I have not found any consistent opinions on the matter or how to go about it. I have also been concerned about the nutritional aspects and about his willingness after he begins the good stuff to eat dry food if necessary. Laziness about the commitment to cook also enters into the equation. I will use the excuse here of being a single man who has had enough trouble cooking for himself. Yea...yea...yea. I do want the best I can offer for my dog... so be this change. I want a steady vet for him so I have made another vet appointment next week to further discuss the issue. Boner has always been fed once in the morning. In the beginning years, he would eat half and save the rest for later. During the middle years, he began to eat it all at once. During the past few years, he still eats his food all at once but seems hungry at night. I am going to start two meals a day with Boner and also the rice, oatmeal, chicken and maybe some peas, carrots with maybe some garlic taste sometimes. I wonder how much of his recent illness is motivating the change in my thinking and behavior. Whatever it takes, if it is a progressive move why not?

August 16, 2006

Boner's recent illness has really been a wake up call concerning our exercise routine. I now realize my awareness of him while he is out running and exploring had diminished considerably. Mostly I think because we have been going out late at night when I do not see him as clearly in the dark and I am so tired at 1AM that I am in a trance like state with my brain. I think the same is true for Bo. As our relating as far as limits and boundaries is a two way street his awareness of me also diminished. The problem is that Bo's natural tendencies had taken hold and his exercise routines had turned into hunts for interesting things to find and eat. End result, he got really sick. Well as of today, we are walking in the daylight. Night is nice occasionally but it is healthier I think for both of us in the daytime. I was amazed that I had to remind Bo to stay in front of me at least twenty five times in the space of an hour! Once he caught on to what was happening he would try to test me. I would realize that he was behind, turn to look and he would be standing there waiting to see if I would call him. I made it clear that if he wanted to stop to sniff and explore in a specific area he needed to run ahead of me far enough to do it before I reached him. The second I forgot was the same second he forgot. My mind had become quite lazy during our walks. Because people have been so curious of why Boner behaves so well I want them to know that our being mindful of each other at all times is a key component. I have never been a person who stays lazy in a relationship of any kind... stupid, careless, thoughtless, self-centered at times, but never lazy. continued...

August 15, 2006

Bo is on the upswing, thank god. A friend suggested this past incident was a wake up call to appreciate him more. I remember thinking about that in the hospital. There is no wake up call for me with my dog Boner. Every day I am fully awake with him. I have never respected, loved or appreciated or have been grateful for anything in my life more than Bo and everyday those qualities grow, they have for as long as I can remember. I want to get clearer on my sense of self when it comes to making decisions with Bo. As I look back on this incident and truly get honest with myself, I knew what was going on in my gut. I just did not trust myself enough to know how to handle the situation, or tkae control for myself or allow myself to trust Bo's natural ability to instinctively handle himself. I knew when we were walking the night before that he was into eating something he should not have eaten. I repressed it because I felt it was too late. I know he was also aware. That is why he was in the spot so long and why he ignored me when I called him. When Bo does something he knows he should not be doing and it is on the sly, he does it very slowly and sneakily. He has always been like that. I should not have been surprised in the morning with the messes all over because deep down I knew. When he was throwing up the water, I even had a clear thought that he was naturally flushing out something in either his stomach or intestines but it did not register enough to carry me through the process. I was concerned and doing the right thing in waiting it out. It was not until another person suggested it might have been kidney failure that my fear and chaos let loose. This happened because someone else's thought was more valid then my own instinct and gut feeling. I want to work on getting more strength for myself in that area. The x-ray was a waste of money. I thought about that fact while waiting but I was too cowardly to move on stopping it. I know my dog would never eat something that would obstruct his intestines. The kidney problem was coming from left field and I thought that, but I was not able to trust my own thoughts enough. If anything, I should have been worried about infection first and foremost. Next time I will work more towards letting nature take its course first and foremost and using more of my spiritual decision making powers to know when to move into a medical direction. We are going to start excersising in the day time so I can keep a better eye on Boner's running and playing in the wild. continued...

August 14, 2006

A problem that I had with the hospital is that everything was by the medical textbook. As I think throughout Boner's life there have been several periods where he has created a behavior and then it became part of him for no particular reason. Because of this fact it is reasonable to enter into the equation that his throwing up the water started from drinking too much water too quickly and then mentally his mind could have just hooked onto that behavior as can happen with an addictive personality. I am not saying this was the problem but mental and emotional considerations need to be measured to help with the healing process. Everything possible needs to be considered as a puzzle piece along with the medical facts. When he was drinking it was ferocious like he needed allot and I sensed he was doing it for a reason. Boner has now eaten three times but has not drunk any water. Could Bo be afraid to drink any water because he knows that if he drinks water and throws up, that could land him back in the hospital alone with strangers handling him, sticking him with needles and restraining him under x-ray machines, or Bo could he be aware that if he drinks water and throws up he will not be able to be with me on the piano and garner his usual attention during the next performance, or if he drinks water and throws it up he will cause fear and tears from me? Please believe this, before I ever became a dog owner I would have told people who talked like this about their animals to get a grip on reality. My experience of almost thirteen years with my dog is reality. continued...

August 13, 2006

The next morning Boner drinks a cup of water, he wanted more but I resisted. Within a minute, he throws it up. We had to drive down the shore for work and when I got the shore, I offered him more especially because of the long warm ride down. He drank about a cup. Two hours later, he had kept it down. I wondered if his laying down and not walking the entire time helped. As soon as I finished my performance, I drove to different veterinary hospitals to get second opinions. I have yet to find a vet who welcomes an emergency visit of any type. This really aggravates me and I wish I could find a vet who cares enough to treat me the way my doctor treats me. Of course, he too is a dying breed. I asked the receptionist at one office where I could find some boiled chicken and rice in the area. She said that their office sells the bland type of food that I am looking for. I said I did not want to give him dry food, as the hospital did not say anything about dry food. They had the food in cans so I took some to Bo and fed him a few teaspoons. He ate it and had a little water to wash it down. He also urinated which was a relief for me to see. He kept down the food for the whole way home. After about two hours, he passed wind really bad but that was it. He looked up at me on the way home with a smile like I have not seen since the ordeal began. This was very reassuring. I fed him a little more at home, and he ate it but did not want the water. continued...

August 12, 2006

At the hospital, they hydrate Boner and tell me to watch him overnight to see if he throws up. He is left with a lump of water in his back. They said his body would absorb the water within the next few hours. I had the option to leave him overnight at the hospital but had to consider the stress of Boner's being away from me and how that may affect his system. Boner has never been away overnight without someone close to him. The hospital tells me it is a good idea not to give water or food to a dog for four hours after they throw up. I was told Bo would not need anything when we get home. I put a wall up by the door in my bedroom so Boner stays inside with me. I am to give him a cup of water when he gets up and gradually increase it throughout the day. I am to start giving him some bland food like boiled chicken and rice by mid-day, little by little. Boner has never been sick before and has never gone this long without eating or drinking. If he throws up after his first try this is not a good sign. continued...

August 11, 2006

This writing is about Bo showing signs of possible serious illness and even death. He will not eat and cannot hold down water. I am at a meeting in Center City Philadelphia and Bo is waiting as usual in the truck. I mention to someone whose opinion I respect that Bo is not holding down his water and did not eat today. They say this is not a good sign and with cats, it means kidney failure. I think about this for about ten minutes and decided to rush Bo to the emergency ward of the Pennsylvania Veterinary Hospital. I worry with the fact that Boner is coming on thirteen years of age. Four hours and $400 later the doctor can tell me nothing. We ruled out an obstruction in his system and Bo's blood levels were normal. I was a blubbering idiot. I constantly tried to remind myself that I have always wanted to treat Bo as a free spirit and when his spirit decides to leave me, I will respect that. Over the past five years, if I dwell on Boner dying for more than five minutes I become overwhelmed with grief. I reminded myself that I will go on living when Bo dies and I need to presently focus on him and not myself while he is sick. I need to keep my thoughts about Boner. continued...

August 10, 2006

Last night when he we went for our walk I realized Boner was spending time in certain spots longer than usual. I was thinking I bet he is eating poop. I called him to come but he was preoccupied I think it was too late. He did it several times. I do not consider this practice of eating poop a good practice for his health and I am partly responsible. I ask myself, "is he getting enough food and treats?" Yes. "Is he in need of more vitamins?" No. "Is he bored with his food?" Probably, I do the best that I can. "Is he acting like a dog?" This is probably the best answer. I need to see him walking in front of me, especially at night and I know better. He takes advantage of any opportunity when he can and why not? It is my fault if I am not consistent with how our relationship works. If I forget to watch Bo and he ends up eating poop and throws up because of it and I do not like that... it is my fault. I am the one who empowers Boner to run free off any leash so I need to accept the responsibility of whatever dog type behavior he slips into his life. I must also consider that he very rarely does anything even remotely inconvenient for me. Maybe he did not want to stray far away from me this morning so he went into the closet room to throw up. Maybe he was not thinking at all because he is truly sick. He knew when I found him that I did not like what happened. I did not need to show it and make it worse for him. He did not like what happened himself. As soon as we went down stairs he did not sit and wait for his food as usual he went to drink allot of water. That is when I knew he was uncomfortable. Then he went to the back door to be let out. He was finished throwing up, he just wanted to show me that he knew it was not a good thing to do in the house. I truly appreciate Boner's ability to communicate and validate to me that he understands. I will need to keep a loser eye on him through the day. Like humans, in the summer, especially as he is getting older, the days heat and humidity affect his eating habits and needs. They fluctuate.

August 9, 2006

A sidetrack from where I was going with the thread of present writings. I woke up this morning to find Boner had been throwing up. He did it five times and I found out because he was in the room where he was doing it. Before I had a dog, I would have been angry. In the very beginning, I ignored the behavior because I did not want to bring attention to it so he would not start throwing up as an attention getter. The second time I was not angry but I acted like I was because I wanted him to know better. The third time I showed anger by throwing him out the back door. From that time after whenever he would feel like he was going to throw up he would head to the back door and run in circles. After he learned what to do and it happened when I was sleeping, I just gave him disdainful looks. I did that for several times thereafter. Then I started trying to figure out why Boner would throw up so I could preempt it. continued...

August 8, 2006

I remember when I first decided I was going to have a dog I went to the book store and brought about six books on how to raise a dog. They all bored me. I am a hands on type of learner. I remember about month after bringing Boner home I went to a dog-training seminar. I paid my fifty bucks and took a seat to listen to this famous trainer tell everyone how to train their dog. He gave examples on stage for everyone to be impressed. I was not impressed. As soon as I heard him say, "never look a dog directly in the eyes", I thought, "this guy is an ass." Then he started with things like, "if he licks his chops that is because he is nervous. I thought, " When Boner licks his chops he is using a word in his vocabulary. It can mean anyone of twenty things that come to mind. He is nervous, he wants something, he likes something, it is a sign of submissiveness, he feels like he is going to throw up, etc... I just need to be aware of the circumstances and situation in which he is communicating in order to understand." Then the guy said," one good trick to keep him off the couch is to put an empty soda can full of coins that will fall to the floor and scare him so he won't jump up again." I thought, "my dog sits with me under fireworks that are popping, a soda can of coins... please." At that point, I got up and left. I realized that for me every relationship is different, what works for some does not for others. Learning how to live with Boner would be trial and error. Insight is always good but I need to be inside any given situation to figure it out.

August 7, 2006

Boner would get tired after a while and ever so slowly shift into a sitting position. I would walk over, prop him up and then return to my spot. He would then ever so slowly shift into a laying down position. I would walk over, prop him up and then return to my spot. This went on and on sometimes for like thirty times. God, it went on forever. The poor guy would try his best to not fall asleep while standing. I think sometimes he just went into an emotional shut down and wanted to pass out. One of the times, I think he fell over after falling asleep standing up. I used to create distracting sounds to keep him awake. I do not remember how long this torture for both of us lasted. It probably ended when something else took its place. I always made sure more time was spent in loving Boner, like fifty-one percent of the day. I spent allot of time distracted from my own life while trying to work with Bo. Actually now as I look back I was replicating my own dysfunctional life experiences unconsciously transferring them outwardly to Boner. From the time I changed my attitude and behavior, my ways of thinking, after I started to respect along with love Boner, after I loosened up towards Bo, this is when he began to come to me whenever I call. Boner always comes to me, sometimes it takes a stronger command then others times like when another dog is coming towards him, or he sees someone special he knows on the street or a squirrel, cat or rabbit is teasing him while on a walk, but Boner always comes to me when I call. Mind you, he has not been on a leash for over ten years!

August 6, 2006

I was aware that commands had to be fun and I tried to create that illusion. It did not work. I was most careful never ever to punish Boner when he came to me. That would have been downright stupid. Even I would not come to someone who would be abusive to me. I know that kind of fear and control exists in the world with parents and children but it never worked for me and it would never have worked for Boner. I used to sit Bo on the living room floor and walk to the other side of the room and tell him to come to me. It was like magic. As soon as I gave the command a switch seemed to turn on in Boner's head do the exactly the opposite even to the point of sitting down. Through the next few weeks, he went from sitting down, then laying down, and then falling to sleep in his spot. You see, he would tend to fall asleep because he would be standing there doing nothing for; the record was three and one half hours. Yes, I stood and waited... and Boner stood and waited day after day sometimes several times a day. I would say the command every five minutes or so in case he forgot what he was standing there for. I on the other hand, was practicing my patience and tolerance; stuck in my own obsessive pattern of what should have been working. continued...

August 5, 2006

The first command I had for Boner was to "come" to me when called. It was the most important command for me. I tried to teach it in a mind boggling way. It is embarrassing to let the world know but... "It is what it is." Our first big battle of wills began with this command. I thought, "if you ask or command, you need to get him to follow through no matter what, every time. If he doesn't do it just once there will be no consistency and if you do it twice he will always demand that you always do it twice. If Bo gets you up to commanding like ten times the command will become a blur and mean nothing to him but gibberish. He will just enjoy the attention he his getting with the interaction. He will enjoy the control in rebelling against it and winning." It was very important that Boner "come" when called the first time. Of course, this did not always work and still does not but that did not deter my determination. I never used the treat method to get him to come to me. In retrospect that would have been a good idea. My crazy mind wanted him to come because he wanted to, because he wanted to be obedient. I was looking for an emotional bond of desire from Bo. I wanted him to validate that I was in control. I was such an idiot. I never thought of Boner in terms of being a dog or an animals behavioral habits or natural alpha instincts. continued...

August 4, 2006

All of my love for Boner hid all of the control and manipulation that was with me throughout my life. This was especially true in my training of him. I would constantly tell myself, "it is only a matter of time, wait and he will come around, discipline him like it was done to you, he is a dog." I was sure to give Bo and incredible amount of encouragement like the first time he figured how to climb the steps up and down. I was always encouraging and prided myself with that fact all while in denial that I was encouraging him to be nothing but perfect and to my way of thinking. There was no room for regression, time to learn, a unique personality or any kind of doggie-ness unless I deemed it so. Those first three things were never deemed so. I have never really felt anger towards Boner, frustrated and stern yes. At times, I felt like I had to make him afraid of me through a show of anger, which was how I was raised. Actually as I think, I was really mad when he did not do what I wanted him to do. Of his own doings I was never angry. I told myself that through these periods of treating Bo with unacceptence I always had to give at least fifty-one percent love and acceptance. I now realize what a conflicting message that was, it was the same message I grew up with and why trust is now such an issue in my life. continued...

August 3, 2006

Once I brought Boner home, my old tapes of having to do everything perfect and right and in someone's else's ways (my mother's) crept up from the depths of my sub-conscious as never before. Things I needed to do for the first time never seemed so unattainable and difficult to do. Thank god for good friends that were there to help me out and bounce my thoughts off of. I started to talk allot to myself telling myself, "just make sure you give him more love than discipline". I developed this mantra of "consistency, patience, tolerance, love, and respect". Whenever I started to have trouble with Bo, I would keep saying those five words repeatedly. I was also telling myself that it was working and some of it was. Some of it was not and I had no clue to that fact. I was missing respect. It was not built into me as far as a healthy functioning relationship was concerned and I did not know that. I was clueless because had no foundation in the basic concept of healthy functioning relational respect. continued...

August 2, 2006

I went to friends to ask them of there opinions of my getting a dog. Some friends were very supportive telling me they would help with the issues of caring for him if I was away, giving me tips on their experience etc... A few put their negativity on me saying that I would not be able to handle it and started spewing obstacles, like leaving the dog home alone, giving the dog enough attention, enough love, discipline, being able to control it, etc� There could have been a hundred positive feedbacks but it only took one or two trouble makers to really permeate my sense of confidence. Thoughts of uncertainty began with how often and when to feed or take a dog outside to do its duty etc... Luckily, I had matured enough to override any lack of support. continued...

August 1, 2006

It took me until the age of forty to purchase my own house with a yard, have a career that worked, with good healthy relationships and a sense of rightly relating to the world. I was single and had recently lost my dad who lived with me and had become my best friend for the last fifteen years. Knowing that I had to stay involved with life as much as possible and having a sense of confidence having been empowered with my house the idea of having a dog once again entered into my consciousness. continued...

July 31, 2006

I was in my mid twenties and life was dreadful but this is also a time in my life that divine providence lifted me and I was able to take hold... to climb out of the pit. I have spent all of my years since that time, working on change in my life, my behaviors, learning to respond verses react, learning to negotiate with life, learning to accept, love, let live, one day at a time and in the moment. My dog Boner has played a mighty large part in all of that learning how to live life. continued...

July 30, 2006

During a very low point in my life, I was living with a friend and she found a lost stray dog that she allowed to stay at the house it nipped someone at the door after a week. The stray suffered from a little schizophrenia due to street living and my friend said it had to be put to sleep. I was upset. My friend eventually brought a little po-po special breed type of dog that was very in my eyes spoiled and loved too much by its owner. I was just a wee bit jealous but more than that, I did my transference trick in wanting the dog to obey me so I could like it. I know now that was twisted thinking. I wanted it to listen to me and to do what I wanted it to do... when I wanted it to do it. Of course, the dog would not bend to the pressure. I tried punishing it until it would get the message, but the dog would not budge. At one point, I lost all control and sensibility to the point of abusiveness in trying to force the dog to obey. I always lost and just compounded my soul with guilt and shame. continued...

July 29, 2006

I was not ready for a dog when I was young my self-image was not good. Transference was a problem. I was not a responsible child because I was never taught responsibility in a way that I could learn. I did learn how to react to everything. I was not response-able but I was very good at re-acting. Something had happened to me in early life that I might be exploring forever involving a memory that is either symbolic, a dream, or a trauma buried deep in my subconscious. It is a bad, bad thing. It is one of my earliest memories and it has stayed with me all my life... it has a running and hiding and afraid of being caught feeling associated to it. It involved two or three little puppies stuffed into a hollow tree stump on the ground and rocks put in front of the tree trunk hole... forcing them to be stuck in there with no room to move and unable to get out. There was a fear in this act, a frenetic craziness of control and manipulation. The hidden guilt and shame of this act has stayed with me all my life as though it was my fault and this has affected my sense of self dramatically. I think the puppies may be a representation of myself and the dream was a reenactment of what was done to me in some way. continued...

July 28, 2006

The reason I wanted a dog was because I have a playful tendency, I have always enjoyed being tactile and I especially enjoy softness. I have always loved to cuddle, and I like to cuddle with warmth. I wanted to have someone to play with, someone special besides my mother to bond with, and to be in companionship with. For many reasons the messages I had received clearly from everyone was that I was different because I was sensitive and I had this problem with reading and writing so my mom put the whammy out that I was different and needed special care yet at the same time tried to push everyone together equally and as one. Everyone wanted to kill me because I was being forced on them. They did not want me and I became terrified of that fact and aware that I was in my own little world of survival. I had no developmental tools to share, blend in, or become part of anything. I am still learning how to do that. It was not fun and life was always full of fear. I felt no threat from animals. continued...

July 27, 2006

I am the last of six children with four older brothers and a sister. All my life I wanted a dog. I have always loved animals, the outdoors and nature as well as city life, I have always loved everything, almost... most of all I wanted to love a dog. My family had a dog before I arrived here on earth and when I asked for a dog at about eight years old the answer was, "we did that, done that, been there, etc..." I often begged and nagged to know avail. The yearning never left me. continued...

July 26, 2006

I see Boners bonding and respect for me in his obedience. As much of his obeying is motivated by fear from an overbearing dominance, his obedience comes from also another place. I experience this second place of respectful and bonding obedience more often as he gets older and has more experiences, especially consistent positive experiences. Boner wants to obey I discover as time goes on, I must state he did not know what obeying was from the beginning this is something that has been nurtured in him and taught to him. His nature is to be wild fighting and for the most, a controlling and domineering type of animal. I have respect and bonding friendship my side.

July 25, 2006

I have respect for Boner. I respect him as an animal, a dog first and foremost. Then there are a myriad of other things I respect about Bo and ways I experience that respect. I get self-satisfaction from my ability to respect him. It says allot about the growth I have achieved thus far in my life. Boner is a living example of my ability to care for and maintain a relationship. There was a time when I could not have a functional relationship with my computer let alone a living animal. There is a friendship in our relationship, a bond that has happened and I worked very responsibly to achieve that bond from the beginning. I am talking about my part of it, for Boner it was no sweat. I have put as much work into myself as I have into Boner to establish this bond.

July 24, 2006

We have a basic routine every morning it switches off sometimes but it still stays basically the same. When I wake up and Boner hears me, he comes over to say hello. Sometimes he wants me to come to his bedroom to greet him first. I do that after I get my basic necessities out of the way, things like standing up, going to the bathroom, breathing a little. I have to get my mind functioning enough to say, "good morning buddy"! When it is a slow start for Boner he just twitches his tail instead of doing a full fledge wag. If I go to him, he likes me to lay down on the bed with him to give a tummy rub before he gets up. After a few minutes of that, he lets me know that he is ready for some play and then to get moving to the kitchen. If he comes into greet me first, while I am rising he does his "down dog" stretches, maybe give a howl like stretch with his mouth to exercise his vocal chords and the will approach me with some good tail waggin' to say hello. As soon as I begin to walk, he will flop onto the floor and roll on his back and then go into a freeze position. I have no idea how this started but this is his way of asking me to use my feet to rub his belly. I think he is crazy for taking the chance as he sees that I have no balance in the morning but because he is so trusting that I will not fall on him or smash him with my feet I always grab onto something like the bed post and give him what he wants. He would stay in this forzen position for a good ten minutes but there is no way I can last for more than a basic thirty second rub. I say, ok Bo that's enough" but he will not move until I start to walk away and then he will do a quick roll over and start jumping all around because he knows I love him, he is happy and our day is about to start. Sometimes we pause at the top step before going downstairs and I give him a good hearty hug while he presses strongly against me and then I say, "ok, lets go" and we both make a tear for the kitchen.

July 23, 2006

Let me tell you something that hurts. This is when a complete stranger comes up to Boner and me to assign false motives to our relationship. Some people can only see life through a one-way mirror of themselves. They interpret everything through their world of abusive treatment or can only focus on relationships from fearful, repressive and negative points of view. I have had "crazies" come up and tell me out of nowhere that I should feed my dog because he is hungry. I could tell them that he just ate a huge meal fifteen minutes ago but they will not, or cannot not hear that. I wonder if they are just trying to start conversation, bond with us by showing they care, if they are acting out antagonistically or just plain stupid. That kind of stuff just makes me want to give em' a smack. Do not worry, I would never do that. Other people will come up and accuse me of forcing Bo to stay on top of the piano. They don't see that he is not even wearing a collar and that I have just come back from somewhere like going the bathroom and he stayed up there on his own for the entire time. Here is another one. Because someone is eating a huge bag of greasy french fries and Boner is not allowed to have any then I must never give him any treats at home or anywhere else. Again, this makes me want to smack em' but I would never do it, I am a good boy. I try to assure these people that I give Boner treats every day and during every event food slips by me. With a crowd of 20, 000 people you can figure that at least two thousand have attempted to get food into Bo's mouth as Boner is working all 20,000 for that to happen. He is a dog and that is what dogs do. It is common sense to realize that Bo will score at least a couple of times throughout the day with out me knowing about it. I am just operating the damage control.

July 22, 2006

One of the most amazing incidents I have ever had with Bo was on Easter when he was about seven years old. My son and I were staying in a cabin in West Virginia for the weekend and we had decided to treat ourselves to two thick butcher cuts of steak for dinner. We had stopped at an old fashion butcher shop where they cut the meat up just as I remembered as a child and wrapped it in white paper. I had stored the meat on the truck dashboard down in the window well area while we left the truck to attend a meeting for an hour. Boner stayed in the truck. When we came back to the truck everything was status quo and we drove to the cabin. I went to take the meat off the dashboard. I reached for the second package to find that the meat had disappeared. I was stunned because I could not understand why the package was there but no meat was inside of it. Boner had miraculously and ever so carefully nibbled a hole in one end of the seven inch long one inch thick white paper package without tearing the top or bottom and some how sucked the meat out through the little hole leaving the package intact. The completely hollow wrapping had even been placed back into the exact position that it had been stored. He did not touch the other package. I could not punish him because he was just too cleaver and smart. I should have thought of how tempting it would have been for him to begin with. I choose to just ignore the situation as what was done was done and it would serve no purpose to address it after the fact.

July 21, 2006

I have been very lucky with Boner when it comes to trash. He may have violated a trash bag or two as a youngster but that was it. I remember one full tear apart where he strew debris all over the kitchen floor and other time he carefully nibbled a three inch hole into a plastic bag to draw out goodies unnoticed. However, that was it. I cannot remember ever doing anything drastic in training to set into place the correct course of action and I am often perplexed about it. I am more so pleased. I often leave a full bag of trash open with empty food containers and meat remnants etc... on the kitchen floor and right at his level of about two or three feet high and he has never went for it even when I am not around, unless... he has been super, super clever which could be the case. I would never underestimate his abilities. We are talking a good run of obedience lasting twelve years. I am very proud of him.

July 20, 2006

It is so beautiful to watch the snow fall down in big flakes and in every direction with everything is so clean and white with the shadows of dark tree branches and evergreens in stark contrast and as still as can be. I enjoy watching Bo's puffy shape while in it all, along with the snow covered puffy shapes of cars and houses. I have this particular visual in my mind from when we were running in the snow by a local field at three in the morning. Boner was doing his usual routine running back and forth to to check in with me and to say hi and try to get me to join him in the run as he ran off again. Tonight he was crazier than usual. While we were heading back home he stopped dead in his tracks. His head flew straight up into the air. He had caught a scent and it was in the direction of the creek. He knows the area well because he runs there almost every day. He had not been able to catch a scent all night and finally as we were about to leave he found one. It was delightful, wondrous and fun to watch him totally erect with his head in the air nose pointing skyward and there was no doubt about it Boner started to lead by a nose, a maniac running across the field like a bolt of lighting. He had no clue as to where he was going, the nose knew, he did not care, it was all about the scent. He was tearing across the field. Luckily, there were no trees in his path because he would have never seen it; his eyes were looking to heaven, his nose leadith. I saw him heading for the creek and he just kept leaping through the snow until he realized that he had leaped right into the creek. He forgot all about the creek but nothing was going to stand in his way. This boy had an agenda, a mission, he was focused. He leaped right into the creek for the first time ever and did not miss a beat as he continued paddling across creek to get to the other side nose still pointing skyward. Finally, he gave up but there was a dilemma. He's no dummy, he was not going back in that water but could not figure out how to get back so he ran this way and that way while trying to figure out a strategy until he decided to just run the quarter mile down to the bridge. When he came back to me, I was sure he would have been exhausted but no, he was jumping all over me with excitement ready to catch another scent.

July 19, 2006

When we are walking in the snow Bo sometimes walks behind me to play a game. He realized early on that it is difficult for me to hear him because there is no clicking from his feet on the cement when we are walking. I need to turn around to check to be sure that he is close behind so he plays shadow with me by mimicking my movements. If I stop, he stops if I start he starts. I will turn around to check on him and he will be standing there in frozen mode with a look like, "what"? Then when I start to walk again he will do the same but do it as softly as possible so I cannot hear him. It is like a control game where he has fun making me stop to check on him. On other occasions Bo does not walk in the ready-made footprints, tire tracks or shoveled areas he wants the fresh stuff the deeper the better, above his head even. He is confused with boundaries when in the snow because there is no sidewalk, street or grass to use as a guide. Therefore, snow time is even more fun because he knows all rules are off. I will let him explore freely and he can run almost anywhere he wants whenever he wants at his own pace. He uses this as an excuse to test me with limits as far as running on neighborhood lawns. Testing is ok by me I think it is healthy. He will tear across the creek a quarter mile long non-stop back and forth looking for the ducks and other animals he knows are hiding there. He never gets tired in the snow even after two hours in it and the fact that he is twelve years old.

July 18, 2006

Boner loves the snow. When it is really cold, I tend to put a coat on him to go outside but I have found he really does not need it. The coat is more useful for when he is sitting idle on the truck piano during winter performances. When he is jumping and hopping like a bunny through the snow, his body stays warm naturally. Boner leaps like a deer in the snow and enjoys the challenge of jumping into it and then tunneling through burrowing deep like a groundhog with his nose sniffing and snorting to catch a scent underneath it all. He will come out of a snowdrift with snow on the face somewhat like the old television commercial advertising with milk on the guy's face. Sometimes he is like a rocking horse with his rhythm. He works to get me to play tag with him by running back and forth and then forward to me in total joy. He has always loved to play in the snow just like I did as a kid. It is very funny to watch him trying to decide how he is going to poop because there is no place to squat. He walks in circles to pat the snow down and create an area big enough for himself to be comfortable in. When he is running he marks twice as many territories as usual with his pee to make sure the entire area because everything is white and it is hard to get a scent to know if anyone else has been around. He comes home dry when he has been out in the snow and sometimes he comes into the house with an underbelly of icicles, but his undercoat is always dry. Sometimes up to an inch of snow will accumulate on his back while walking before he decides to shake it off because he is so preoccupied with what there is to experience.

July 17, 2006

I am amazed how my attitude and behavior towards Boner has changed through time. I wrote some notes throughout the past few years as the idea of writing a book on our relationship has been percolating. Many of the ways I think and approach Boner have changed dramatically. I was so concerned, strict and calculating in the past. I now go with the flow. My thinking towards Bo's behavior has become more balanced with "Boner oriented" and "Danny oriented". I was always overly concerned with what the situation need. I like it better now. I suppose you could say I have grown up in our relationship. I have become a better person in relating to my dog. I wonder how different things would be if I treated him in the beginning as I do now. I will never know how much of an affect I have had on the circumstances of our relationship. My experience has been that nothing ever happens from one line of reasoning. That bugs me a little because I like to be able to say I know what I know. The reality is I can be sure of nothing. All I can do is focus on my own growth and thank God for our relationship. I can look back and say that I did the best that I could do in bringing him up and that feels real good.

July 16, 2006

When I was first trying to find the courage to buy a dog, I often became overwhelmed with the prospect of the responsibilities. I just cannot believe the learned blocks of ridiculous fear I hand built up in my mind with. I look today as what is involved in caring for Bo and how easily he became integrated into my life and I think, �what was the big deal? I wake up, put the food out, let him out to shit, let him in again, give attention during the day, play, cuddle and work with. It is absolutely no big deal, yet if I allow myself to entertain my past fears I can still after all these years overwhelmed myself by finding something to be afraid about like yea, I'm doing great but what is around the next corner.

July 15, 2006

I found this list I once wrote many years ago and so I thought I would share it.

BO THE COMPANION

We are One Hundred percent compatible.
Boner loves the same things I love.
Boner wants the best I want the best
Boner loves to eat I love to eat
Boner loves to sleep I love to sleep
Boner loves to play and I love to play
Boner love to cuddle and I love to cuddle
Boner love to give and receive affection and I love to give and receive affection
Boner likes to do stuff together and I like to do stuff together
Boner is interested in sounds I am interested in sounds
Boner loves to explore in the woods and I love to explore in the woods
Boner loves the beach and water and I love the beach and water
Boner love to irritate at times and I love to irritate at times
Boner enjoys dogs I enjoy dogs
Boner enjoys people I enjoy people
Boner seeks to understand I seek to understand
Boner loves me I love him
Boner is loyal I'm loyal
Boner is weird I'm weird

I love Bo's sensitivity
I love Bo's consideration when people pet him
I love Bo's enjoyment he brings to others
I love Bo's ability to communicate his needs to me
I love Bo's way he sits in a car waiting like a person
I love that Bo loves the same things I do and even more so
I love the way Bo crouches when in the play mode
I love the fun Bo has in being and winning out as top dog in play
I love Bo's ability to tolerate, to exercise restraint, patience and discipline
I love Bo's facial expressions and body language

Of course if I thought about this list anymore I could add another hundred phrases easily

July 14, 2006

I often think of how concerned people are in seeing Bo sit on the piano for long stretches of time. What they do not realize is that he wants to be up there and with me. It would not be his first choice all the time but still he likes it. He is up there by his choice. He goes up on his own and nothing keeps him there but his own will and desires to please. Sure, he would like to play around on the ground, look for food and interact with everyone and everything possible. This is as long as I am in the area also. He has never left me for more than a few minutes. The reason for that would be to chase a rabbit from a field into the bushes. When we are on the job, it is time to do the job and his area is on the piano. He is constantly stimulated up on the piano with scents, sights, and he is always interacting with people in positive ways. Most people do not realize just how much activity and stimulation that Boner gets daily. I make sure of it. I do not want a bored dog. He would be boring to other people in that scenario. If I am working at my desk for six hours Boner will lay for six hours on the floor or sofa behind me and that is not good for us. I try to keep him outside as much as possible so that he is stimulated by nature. If he were an animal in the wild he would always be stimulated in watching out for predators, possible food opportunities, curiosities that would come along his path... If it comes down to a comfort issue or overwhelming desire I let him come in the house to just sleep all day. He needs life experience to be stimulated in this domesticated world and that will not happen unless I create the possibilities for him. I constantly look to finding ways for Bo to experience life so he has as much opportunity as possible. That is why he goes with me everywhere. Boner is not a dog that has ever sat home doing nothing for even one day of his life. As a result, I am learning that I must put myself into life to be stimulated. Boner does not have a choice. I do. If I do not want to be bored, I need to put myself in non-boring environments, around people and activities. If I want money, I need to put myself around money with money environment, people and activities. If I want sex... well I'm sure you get the point. I trust and have faith that consistency is the name of the game.

July 13, 2006

Bo learned from the beginning that acting out violently would only create violence for himself and that was not a good thing. One of the fundamental basics he learned was that he cannot bite or bark and growl viciously, ever. This was and always will be an open and shut matter. I believe consistency means everything with this issue. I have taken full responsibility for the consequences of this domesticated behavior that I have bestowed on Boner that has resulted in his lack of ability to use natural instincts to defend himself whenever he deems it necessary. I must always be ready to step into any fray if needed even if it means to step into harms way myself and I have made it very clear to Boner whenever the opportunity arises that I can and will handle the situation if he needs to feel secure in it. He runs to me. On the rare occasion when I am not around and Boner feels he is in a dangerous situation that results in his snapping or giving a, "get the hell away from me right now" bark, I just acknowledge my gratitude that it did not escalate and caulk it up to the fact that he has a right to defend himself. A fine line has always existed between stepping in and letting a potentially dangerous situation pass. It is a balancing act that most people would not put up with. I wait as long as possible to let the situation resolve on it's own. My own fear of the situation is usually stronger than the dogs. I deal with it and try not to interfere because I want my dog to be as empowered as possible with a sense of self and to be able to take care of himself. It is the other people or the other dog that I watch out for. When boner senses a conflict he warns the other party be it a human or another dog. He curls his upper lip on his right side to show his teeth at the same time he is breathing a growl. He can really get that lip up high in the air and it is always with his gritted teeth shut. The intensity of the situation is measured by the height of his lip and the quivering of it. If that mouth of his is going to open it will be for a strong snap or bite. We have been very fortunate so far that no harm has ever come our way. Most of the time, he does this just to be scary. It works with people; it is just natural communication for other dogs. Most people cannot get that because they become consumed with their own fear for the situation. When he does the lip curl is very endearing to me because I know he is restraining himself in order to behave and I really appreciate that but I must keep a reality check that it is a warning or act of standing challenge or bravado from Bo's point of view. I say, "now Bo stay clam", or I dismiss it with "oh, stop that you silly thing". The real communication is in the fact that we are both bonding with our awareness of the situation. And then I trust Bo to not act out and Bo trusts me to step in if needed. It has always been a true negotiation between us and it has held together for the both of us from the beginning.

July 12, 2006

The subject of unconditional love is a hot topic for me. Many people often mention how wonderful dogs are because they will always give you unconditional love. In learning about unconditional love as I go through life and having spent years thinking about it specifically with Boner, I have come to a point where I must disagree. Boner's basic nature is loving as in the word "good". That part can be considered unconditional. Bo is an animal like myself who runs off instincts and needs next. Seeing as he is in a domesticated world I cannot say Boner has hold of anything lovingly unconditional to give except his spirit as long as it is not repressed. He expresses joy if I create it for him or open it up for him to discover in his world. Then I feel joy from his joy. I believe Boner gives to me what I give to him. I believe he is a mirror of myself as I have been with my parents whether I realize it or not in any given moment. Bo is dependent on me first and foremost. I do not think it is possible to be unconditional under conditions. If I were abusing my dog everyday, he would be giving me fear. Some people inadvertently interpret obedience as love when it is really coming from a place of fear. If Bo did not feel like I value him and that I could care less about our bond together he would run away the first chance he could to explore relationship elsewhere. He might come back but only to get fed or for shelter. If I were not responsible for Boner's needs or negligent in my care then he would be trying to care for him self in animalistic and not domestic ways. In that case, I would spend an awful lot of time always watching and controlling or trying to repress his behaviors. I first and foremost had to re-associate some words for myself concerning love. Love used to be very associated with the word emotional to me This included all emotions and sometimes all at once. I have learned is that to love first and foremost is a decision that I make. That decision is expressed through care and respect. I believe the tricky part of "unconditional" is closely related to the word "respect". I need to know, feel, and have respect for myself first. My dog is not going to give that to me unless I give it to him. I feel I better give this hot topic a rest for a bit.

July 11, 2006

I have always been very conscious of body language and what can be communicated through it. Boner has always been very clear with his, but sometimes I still do not get it. He does not "get me" sometimes when I talk to him so were even. The bottom line is we both just go with the flow as much as possible and then when clarity comes into a situation that is something additional to enjoy. When he is sitting and tilts his head I think that is the most endearing movement he gives to me especially when he is in the middle of a face expression. He will freeze his facial expression while switching to the, "what did you just say" or "I did not get that, try it again" mode. He will do this with his mouth half open, in the middle of chewing; if he is real relaxed, his face just hangs off his body in full tilt.

July 10, 2006

I consciously make the decision to cherish Bo through all the physical processes of his life, I work to simply observe the changes and keep a positive spirit about everything. I am finding there is something different to enjoy about every life stage Boner goes through. Often it seems like we are going through the stages together. His skin is now sagging in new ways; the veins in his legs show more clearly. He is a muscular old guy at twelve and a half years old especially in the thighs. He has a ripened look. He smiles as a young pup; the intensity is not a strong. It is difficult to see that he is graying because of his natural color. His most adorable look these days come from when he picks up his head up to be attentive after having been laying down on the sofa for awhile. His face does not spring into shape, the elasticity is not there and as a result, I get this silly, frumpy stare. When he runs his cheeks flap loosely, he does not seem to mind and it is just a different look to me. I always grasp any opportunity to enjoy what is natural about change and the fact that I love natural it is good.

July 09, 2006

Bo loves belly rubs, allot. It is a toss up between his backside and his belly, he loves them both. I would like to tease him and rub his belly like a lobster to put him to sleep but that type of touch is not for my dog. Bo enjoys a solid ruff rub from the tip of his jawbone to the end of his ribs. Boner is more sensitive in the intestine area. He likes to have his head wrapped in my arms while I rub him. He had a really gross habit for a while of letting me know how much he loved his backside rubbed by lapping his tongue in and out of his mouth as to say, "more, more, don't stop that". He did it every time. That behavior then developed onto the addition of swirling his head while flapping his tongue. It took consistent practice for me to catch the moment he started doing it, I had to stop in that moment hundreds of times and over the period of like two months until he caught on that I was not going to give him a rub if he was going to gross me out with it. Because of the compromise, I try to give him as much as he wants.

July 08, 2006

Bo has always worked to communicate to me with his facial expressions. They can be ever so subtle just a fraction of a movement and sometimes I really need to think about what he is showing me. I am careful to not attribute my own meanings to his expressions; I try to understand them from his perspective with as much clarity as possible. He flips his ears back and to the sides of his head for several reasons. He is saying Is anything wrong? I am afraid. I submit to any dominance. I absolutly love the consuming attention that you are giving to me. I'm not sure what you want or what is going on. stop teasing me. Your weird. I'm not sure I want to and... Uh...Oh...I am in trouble. He flips his ears up, forward and straight out to convey varying degrees of interest.

July 07, 2006

One of the ways for me to get out of giving Boner a bath, which is not one of my favorite things to do, is to go swimming in a clean nearby creek. As Bo loves to play fetch, where I throw the stick in the water and he goes to get it. However, Bo has issues with bringing the fetch back to me. He takes the stick to a nearby area and then comes running for me to throw another. I never made the time to train him to bring it directly back to me. It is my issue and I have often wondered why it was never important enough to pursue. I often wonder if Bo's first experience of jumping into the ocean was to save me and fetch me out of it because... Bo loves to fetch big things. When we are playing I gradually increase the size of the sticks to where he will jump into the water to grab onto a six foot log easily with a eight inch circumference and drag it out of the water. This is a very funny sight and entertaining for all bystanders. I have watched Bo's stride and jump into the water become smaller each year with age and also his willingness to swim faster and harder for the sticks that the current is moving away at a fast pace. He seems to start for stick and then think, "naa... too much effort". One thing seems for sure, he will not be the one to completely stop the playing. I have yet to totally exhaust him. When he is too tired, what he will do is stand to catch his breath for a moment and then come jumping and barking for more. On the way home he jumps directly into the back of the truck so the wind on the way home dries him off.

July 06, 2006

Boner first discovered the water when he was only a couple of months old. I was at the beach with friends and we all went to have a dip in the ocean about two in the morning on a clear full moonlit night. I figured that Bo would stay on the beach and wait for us, he was a little guy and the waves were big and we went to swim out past them. I felt secure that Boner would wait for me as always. Boner was not thinking along those lines he was taking no chance in having the "pack" leave him behind and nothing was going to stop him from joining in. He was not going to allow himself to be left out of any fun to be had. We were in the water less than three minutes when he dove in and swam quickly out to us over the waves. It was almost unbelievable. When he reached me his paws were a paddling' about three hundred miles an hour and he was not about to stop. He was fearless and it was obvious he was having a great time. I wanted to hold him to give him a rest break but he would not stop paddling. It was just like a good long run in a field for him. How great to share mutual enjoyments and desires with a willing and interested animal.

July 05, 2006

It feels unhealthy for Boner to sit on the couch all day with no activity, even for one day. When he was a pup he would get up and play with some toys on his own but he rarely does that as an adult unless it is a new toy. On wet rainy days, I try to sneak him outside between the showers to get some exercise. We head for non-grassy areas so he does not get all wet and smell up the house when he comes back inside. If that is not possible, I force myself to take some time running around the dinning room table with him. This is his favorite play activity, my trying to catch him. He will eventually give into me by flopping down on the living room rug and then we wrestle as I push and pull on all of his joints to make sure he has had a good workout. I do it until I see some good panting with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. Bo expresses the most gratitude after spending personal interaction like this. He will purposely come over to hug me by sitting and pressing next to me afterwards. He wants to lick me and clean me as dogs do in caring for each other. He will do anything I ask that he would normally resist such as posing in front of a video camera for me. He will not do something like that even after taking him for a long run outside.

July 04, 2006

I make time to let Bo ask for things. I work to not pre-suppose what he would like or wants to do. I do not run his life at my own whim. I work on myself to allow him his own experiences Actually; I take advantage of having him around to help me work through my own personal issues. I do not want to be a catalyst for behavior that is created from judgment; fear or repression concerning what he is allowed or not allowed to do. I enjoy empowering Boner to discover things on his own instead of showing them to him. I work to not react with him so that his every experience is also mine. I observe from a distance. I do not try to create relationships for him I let him do that for himself in his own time. I work to be patient. I reassure him when he becomes fearful only if he asks for the reassurance.

July 03, 2006

I have been cherishing every stage of Boner's life. He was once jumpy and all over the place, all of the time, and I could barley contain him long enough for a hug. He eventually grew to have enough patience to give me a hug if he wanted to and then learned to give me one when I asked for it. Sometimes he comes over and just wants one long full body hold and then goes on his way. I can tell when it has not been enough because he will not move when I let go. I always give him what he wants with a hug because that is what I would want from him. This kind of thinking has really worked well for our relationship. I have been consistent to always have Bo come to me if I ask but there are times when I do not push it for a hug. I keep myself in check because I can be too clingy and needy and I do not want to transfer that onto him. It is a good empowerment exercise to keep a sense of choice in all interactions and if the outcome is not to my satisfaction, I weigh the situation and then deal with it.

July 02, 2006

Sometimes when walking with Bo in front of me I feel like I am in a surreal movie. The feeling is beautiful and calming it takes me away from reality. Boners body color of a tan-ish white along a ground filled with low growing yellow and purple wildflowers, his prance in high green grass, his tail as it waves against any sky helps remind me how wonderful life is.

July 01, 2006

This is a very violent and visually graphic paragraph so if you want to read it prepare yourself. I am very serious about this. It is presently the Fourth of July weekend and when it comes to fireworks, what was once a fun time for Boner and I is no longer fun. We used to sit so close to fireworks during performances that they would sometimes land next to us. No more. Bo and I had a very traumatizing experience about three years ago. I was driving down a regular residential street in center city Philadelphia as we both witnessed a drive by shooting. Six gunshots were fired. It happened to the guy driving in front of us and we watched his car stop as the car door opened and the guy fell to the ground with blood spurting out of his head to die on the street. I would never have thought that Boner would be so permanently affected by this incident and the chaos that ensued but he was in fact traumatized it seems forever. I am still repressing the experience myself. It is difficult to write about. About two weeks after the incident we were walking by the water on the beach in Ocean City New Jersey far away from the beach houses. All of a sudden I saw Bo darting to the ground and cowering. As I observed the situation I realized that he was hearing construction work about a half mile away and even though the sounds were faint they were of a nail gun and similar to the sounds we heard on the street that day. I was amazed that he so consciously made the connection. It has been verified every time since. When a balloon pops nearby on a job Bo goes to jump onto the keys of the piano to get down. He wants to get under the piano bench. The use of fireworks on holidays and in the neighborhoods has grown tremendously over the last few years and Bo goes now goes into stress mode when they start. I am very aware but ignore his stress because I do not want to reinforce it. When I am able to anticipate the problem I make sure I exercise him beforehand so he is good and tired and can be as relaxed as possible.

June 30, 2006

Boner eats one full meal a day, first thing in the morning. After I fill his water bowl, I give him his bowl of kibble. I have been consistent with the food type but I change flavors each month. I have always found it interesting that he does not hover around me when I am getting his meal ready nor does he jump at the bowl as I am putting it on the ground. He sits at the opposite end of the room until it is ready and then in a relaxed manor gets up and walks over to eat. He acknowledges me on the way before he gets to the bowl. I am not exaggerating this is the honest to God truth. It has always been very important for me to leave him completely alone when he eats because I never want that first time for him to snap at me. I think that is why he is so good about waiting. It is a mutually negotiated, respectful exchange. He leaves me alone while serving and I leave him alone while eating. He has never scarfed down his food unless it is a piece of meat and then he just inhales it. He enjoys chewing, especially bread and chewy treats. When he was young he used to eat half of his meal in the morning leaving exactly one half side of the bowl intact with the food and then finish it off about mid-afternoon. Now he eats everything at one sitting. If I leaving the house for an early appointment I wait to get home to feed him. I would rather him eat an hour or two late than early because I do not want him to be hungry at night. There were times in the first few years when I thought there was a chance that I was getting pulled into a finicky eating game where I was being tested by his refusing to eat. This happened especially if he got a hold of a hamburger or hot dog the night before. I just ignored the behavior telling myself that when he is hungry enough he will eat. He did and the problem dissipated over time.

June 29, 2006

I wonder if people who have never had experience with dogs realize that dogs dream. They snore too, at least Boner does. When Bo is sleeping in my room I need to use little foam earplugs otherwise we keep each other awake all night with my constant telling him to stop it or his waking me up all the time. I have never really come to a decision as to what to do when he is barking in his sleep so I usually just let him alone. I wonder, is something attacking him in his sleep, is he chasing, being chased, is it a guarding bark, is he barking in a fun playful way, has someone come to visit him in his dream, dose he want my attention? Sometimes the dream barks can go on for quite a time and can really be loud. They are like puffy whimpers because his mouth stays closed while he is doing it. I believe our conscious minds are free in dreams to work through life processes so it is not my place to interfere with projection and assumptions as to what is going on.

June 28, 2006

I take Boner time-outs throughout the day. We have a mutual thing about checking in on each other but we are considerate of each other's space. Bo is such a stress reliever, he is such a catalyst for me to bring myself to a state of simplicity and being in the moment. I take several three-minute work breaks from my desk daily by going over to the couch where he is usually laying. If he is on the floor, I go lie down with him. I give him hugs and we nuzzle some. He enjoys the hello as long as I do not come on too strong if he was in a sound sleep. If I get too cuddly, he will turn it into play. Sometimes when I go over he will flip onto his back before I get down on the couch like a trigger went off so I can rub his belly.

June 27, 2006

From the start, I wanted Bo to relate with other dogs so after having had him with me for only two weeks I took him to a dog park in center City Philadelphia. I wanted to assimilate him into the doggie world so he could relate to other dogs by playing and having fun with them. I wanted to have fun with other dog people. This was a mistake with consequences to last a lifetime. Boner was too young and I was too naive. I opened the car door and unleashed him into a new world. He ran onto the circular pasture of grass where all the other dogs were and they all converged on him at once all shapes, sizes and breeds. The new guy in town had arrived it was time to conquer. They all over the little guy smelling, pushing, pulling, falling over each other barking, growling and poor Bo had no idea what was happening. Boner freaked. The experience traumatized him so that every time another dog came into his path he would stressfully foam at the mouth. Through the years, I would take him to the dog park and his foam would turn into dangling spittle. He would walk all over the place and go up to people to try get them to pet him, The dangling spit was really awful and everyone was grossed out. Because of this experience, Bo had no interest what so ever in other dogs and his first reaction to them is for the hairs on his back to rise. He is scared of any dog that is too manic or energetic. Younger dogs scare him because I taught him it is wrong to attack and he does not know what to do to protect himself. Because of this I also think Bo's idea of play is to be chased. He never wants to chase after unless of course it is a rabbit, cat, squirrel, possum etc� I watch out for him with other dogs, always but I let him take it on his own as far as possible. In his later years he is better with other dogs he tolerates them even hangs out a little. A little like five minutes before he is bored and starts looking for people. He has actually made friends with several dogs and has played for a spell with them. I encourage it whenever the possibility arises but I never push it.

June 26, 2006

Sometimes but rarely anymore, I work with Bo to do tricks via commands. In the beginning, commands were a must to get his nightly treats. It started out as fun but as time went on, I began to use them to prove I was in control. I stopped that behavior because treat time is about fun and enjoyment. Now, whenever I ask Bo to give some paw, sit, lie down, speak, rollover I do it for the communication and interaction of fun and to reinforce the use of his memory. I have practiced diligently with the need to be consciously right on top of how I come across with my tone of self-assured conviction when giving Boner direction. I am serious only when danger is involved. Treat time, trick commands and simple directions need to be happy exchanges. While growing up myself, there was absolutely no differentiation between receiving simple fun direction, serious directions or strong threatening demands. Everything was about fear and not doing whatever, fast enough. Sometimes other people will want to interact with a command. Bo will not respond to anyone if they start saying, "sit" in rapid fire twenty times in a matter of thirty seconds. He just tunes them out. It probably irritates him. He becomes numb to whatever else they may say to him. Giving direction one time with clear strong conviction will do. Sometimes Bo needs a split second after a command to either let it sink into his brain or to decide whether he wants to follow through. If his mind is sharp and the direction is for something he is expecting or really wants he will respond faster than any human could. It is not like boner cannot hear the commands or does not understand them after having heard them a gazillion times over the last ten years. When Bo is distracted with some other thought, repeating the direction may needed a second time and rarely a third time. Consistency is very important so if someone gives him a direction I sometimes step in to make sure he follows through and I let him know what a great guy he is for doing that.

June 25, 2006

I am allergic to my dog. Who knew? I never had a problem being around dogs in the past, cats a definite yes, but never a dog. I would wake in the morning completely drowsy, major headache, not being able to breath. No matter how clean the house I still have trouble. I would never have thought I would love an animal enough to put up being allergic to it but it is just something I deal with, there is no question about it. If I keep the window open at night, I am ok but in the winter, it is trouble. I used a drug medication for years but it was expensive and I did not want a drug as a permanent aid unless necessary. A humidifier helped but not enough. I started using a room air filter that was noisy as hell for several years then I found the Ionic Breeze, which was pricy, but what was I to do? It works. Just goes to show if you keep looking for a solution eventually you will find one. If I forget to turn it on at night, oh boy, watch out! Sleeping is the only time I have trouble except for when I ask for the trouble but I do not care like if it is humid and I am nuzzling my nose in his fur too long. Anytime he is wet and there is no air circulation, I am dead meat. Inside the truck with the windows up while it is raining outside with a wet Boner on the inside makes a recipe for death. I need to either use the truck air conditioner or keep the windows open and get wet.

June 24, 2006

Some people get on my nerves. They do not take the time to observe and see if I am loving to my dog or if we have a considerate relationship on a very deep level. They DO take the time to complain and project their fears and concerns and assign false motives while expressing their self-centeredness. They use Boner and I to do this. These kinds of people usually are clueless to what a deep level is. Boner is first and foremost an animal and not a human being. We respect each other's boundaries and limits and are very aware that we have them. Some people would not have the desire or patience to sit on a piano and because of that, Boner cannot have the desire or patience. It has been said that Boner is being forced beyond his free will. What a ridiculous statement. Even worse, he is having difficulty balancing himself on the piano and will fall off and get hurt. That one made me want to do more than just shout. I wanted to say, I always forget how the saying goes, If you can't say anything nice.... just shut up. Because the music is too loud for some people, it must be too loud for the dog. If others were flaunting themselves and always wanting to shake hands or touch... because that would be uncomfortable for some people... it must also be uncomfortable for Boner. They do not like attention so Bo cannot like attention. Sometimes it is too sunny for people so it must be too sunny for Boner. Some people prefer to sit or lay in the shade so my dog must prefer that also. Mind you, they know nothing about my dog. Sometimes they are so lost in their own self-importance that they complain Boner does not have any water and the water bowl is sitting right there in front of their face on the piano. Then there are people who just have a need to communicate that they are a caring persons and have no tools of communication except to express worry, fear, and concern or to just complain. I have often wanted to say, don't you recognize love when its looking at you in the face? Bo is full of life, his tail wags, and he responds to you, he is not barking, he is not biting, he is not cowering, he does not need a collar or leash, and he is affectionate and loving. Where do you think that all came from? Sometimes Bo gets tired or bored, maybe he feels impatient or gets a little nervous. That is ok too; it is all part of life it does not need to be interpreted as a threatening, fearful or abusive situation.

June 23, 2006

I have said it before and I will probably say it again that I was overly controlling with Boner in the beginning. This is the fact. I was doing what I knew to do. The bottom line is that I learned through trial and error. It took two years to "let go and let live". From then on we have had the best life together because of our mutual willingness to respect, learn and negotiate our needs. "It was what it was, it is what it is". In the beginning, whenever Boner barked I tried to suppress it. I held his mouth shut to tell him that it was not acceptable. This brings to mind the first time we were on a job together and he started barking at people from the piano. As I held his mouth shut, he started to wine and squirm. An old lady started to yell at me saying I was abusing him, that she was calling the authorities. Bottom line, I caught the behavior the first time and he has been excellent with it ever since. I thought I lost him once while on vacation because he did not think he was allowed to bark. He couldn't tell me where he was. I used an electronic barker collar on him for about four days, he barked through the pain and I could not take the guilt so the gadget went into the trash. I tried to scare him into not barking.

June 22, 2006

Boner tries to the best of his ability to let me know that an animal has intruded into the backyard. First, he jumps to full attention at the door and if that does not get a response he starts twisting in circles. Next comes the whimpering and if that does not get a response from me fast enough and he sees whatever coming too close the flood gates open and he loses complete control barking into a full screeching scream. I wished we had worked on his bark to communicate the need to go outside to the bathroom. The closest we ever achieved with that communication is for him to stand at the door and if it is a real need, he twists in circles. That is if I am fortunate enough to be nearby. I've been too lazy in this area. Lucky, Boner has great bladder and colon control. That is another story. When he is in the yard and wants to come in Bo will incessantly sit at attention staring at me through the window, he has done it for over a half hour. When it is dark or Bo knows that I am not around he will bark once and wait about five minutes before barking again, only one time more to let me know he wants to come in. I never allow this behavior to go unnoticed because Bo deserves to be able to come inside when he wants to and his willingness to be patience and restrain from obnoxious barking with the trust that I will come to him as soon as possible is something that I value a great deal.

June 21, 2006

Now, I encourage Bo to bark when we play. I think it is not only an emotional outlet; it is good for him physically. I've never stopped Bo from barking at another dog if he needs to and I have never stopped him from barking when someone comes to close to the truck and he is alone in it. Bo barks when someone comes to the front door. Boner's bark works better than a doorbell. For his safety more than that of the house I want him to bark when I am away and someone approaches a door or window. Bo will not bark at other dogs walking by in the yard as long as he is aware that I am keeping guard for both of us. He knows that when I sneak him into a hotel room that he must be very quiet through the night. I know that this is difficult for him and he knows that I have empowered him to do the right thing as I sleep. I think Bo respects that. I have always been amazed at his understanding and his attention to this need and how he uses utmost restraint. Now the mailman is another story. The poor mail guy has a major phobia with the issue of dogs attacking him and with good reason. I have given up on trying to keep Boner from barking at the mailman because the agendas of all three parties involved are too complicated. The mailman is scared almost to death but tolerates his barking and gives Bo treats anyway. Bo barks to get his attention for a treat but rides a fine line of responding instinctively not only to the mailman's fear with the need to attack but to protect his den. I am just too lazy to try to straighten it all out and be consistent on any level.

June 20, 2006

Boner sheds his hair. There is no way to overstate the fact as it is constantly falling out. Sometimes when you open the front door to my house you will find tumble weeds of hairballs rolling along the floor. I am not proud of this. My Dyson vacuum cleaner the best I have found to date is now part of my home decor. Since Bo and I run around the house and play his hair is not only on the floor but on the furniture, tabletops, you name it. Bo's hair can be found on the inside roof of my truck. We once had a picture printed from a performance on the front page of a large newspaper and Bo's hair was pointed out in the photo on my hat. People on jobs have been known to unconsciously transition from petting Bo to picking the hair out of him like they were plucking petals of a flower to toss into the air.

One of the things I love about summer is that Boner is shaved so the situation becomes manageable. When times get really bad, I take him for a ride in the truck bed and the air helps to clean him off. A good run in the park everyday is helpful. Sometimes we sit and have a good half hour of brushing. The good part is that Bo usually stays clean so I rarely need to bath him and his coat is always soft with new hair.

June 19, 2006

I am beginning to become more aware of Bo's age as the days go by. His moving slower, jumping in and out of the car with more hesitation, he sometimes does not come as quickly when I call and when he sleeps it is often a deeper sleep so he is not as aware of his surroundings. I keep in mind that Boner responds as needed to my commands and I want to be very careful not to project age related behavior onto them and as a result create slower responses. More importantly, I do not want to affect our relationship or his self-image by transferring any impatience and frustration onto him. He has always adjusted to my expectations so it is a careful and can be tricky balancing acts in letting nature take its course.

June 18, 2006

Boner has one major phobia. When he was young, he was bitten by a big black fly. He never forgot it. If there is a fly in the house Bo will always be under the bed. It happens about five to ten times a year and this is still going on at twelve and a half years of age. As Boner gets older, he seems to becoming even more sensitive. Last night he was next to me under my desk and would not leave my side. We went out for a walk and he would not come inside after we were done. I left him outside and ten minutes later he was not sitting by the front door wanting to come in, he was sitting on the driveway behind the truck. When I came to Bo, he turned around to me with a worried look but he was not going to get up. I tricked him into going around back and was going to let him stay outside which would have been the first time in over ten years. I could not kill the fly it was too dark for me to even try. I said goodnight and went upstairs so I could be heard getting ready for bed and then came down one more to give a serious command to "come" into the house. Bo needed little push and up to my bed with head under he went. This was until I stepped on him in the middle of the night while getting up to go the bathroom. By that time, he was just tired and went to his bed. Sometimes when Bo is upstairs hiding I will get the fly while he is not around. He knows I am after it and is waiting to hear my sinister, "Ha, ha, ha, haaaaaa." which means it is safe to come downstairs. What usually happens is that Bo watches me chase the fly. I kill it then we both go to the toilet while I show him that it is dead in the palm of my hand and then drop it into the toilet. Bo watches it go "bye bye" as I flush it away and say, "all gone" in a sing song manner and then we both go about our business. Boner usually stays freaked until he sees the fly dead and that I dispose it. Sometimes I think he may take advantage of the situation for little attention and/or with validation and reasurrance. If this is the case once in a while so be it. I'm happy to rienforcment that I am available and care for him.

June 17, 2006

I have always physically approached Boner in a sensitive manor so that he will in turn expect that from the public and respond with sensitivity. As a result when any person's manic, fearful or teasingly troublesome energy approaches his space he impulsively backs off or gives a little teeth snarl before it goes too far. The downside of this sensitivity is that he cannot tolerate a child's haphazardly playfulness. Basically he will not allow himself to be treated like a rag doll.

June 16, 2006

Most people do not realize that a large part of why Boner behaves so well in public is because he is always in the public. After about two years how could he not know how to act and what to expect with the same experiences happening to him repeatedly every day. Bo is completely domesticated. From the start and to this day I continue to take him around crowds, into friends houses, sneak him into nightclub concerts, walk him on the roads, take him to shopping center parking lots, down city streets, dog parks, inside office buildings, on neighborhood sidewalks, everywhere public all the people places. Bo is with me all the time. When I go to the store, to the curb to pick up a piece of paper, when I visit friends, go to work, he even comes into the bathroom sometimes when I am using it... From the start, I made sure Bo interacted with all types of people smart and just plain dumb, young and old, raw and sophisticated, everyone. When I left him alone in the same situations over and over for example the truck, I started by leaving him for one minute and gradually increased it by five-minute intervals. After an hour he is still behaving like he did after that first minute except for interferences from passersbys and then even with that I kept a close watch for the first few years so I could help him deal with as many scenarios as possible. He rarely has needed to be shown anything more than one time and maybe a few more times for reinforcement.

June 15, 2006

Boner now sometimes walks about one hundred feet in front of me on his own. I trust him and he is empowered by that. He stops and waits for me at every street corner and if he gets impatient he walks back to me to do a double walk although I must always stay on guard because sometimes he he's not thinking or focus on something and will in fact not stop. If there are people on a porch and I do not see them, he will stop on the sidewalk and wait for me just in case I say its ok to go and greet them. He does not take the permission for granted. People are amazed because at first they think he is alone and then they see him waiting for my direction. Last night the roughest kids in the neighborhood said, "man your dog "kicks ass", as I walked by. I always put the credit right onto Bo by replying to statements like this with, "yea, he is amazing, he's really great". I do that in part because I never got the credit growing up for my accomplishment the credit always went to my mom. She took it and decided for me whether I deserved it or not.

June 14, 2006

As time moves forward through Boner's life I have had moments of observation, thought and comparison of how other dogs and their owner relationships are also special and sometimes even more special than Bo and my relationship. For example when we are in another group of dogs I see more attractive dogs than Bo and while walking on the street I observe better trained dogs. I see energetic, sharp dogs with higher intelligence playing with their physically fit owners. I see a kind of fun in other dogs with a tendency to say why can I not have that with Bo. I have experienced dogs with as much personality as Boner but honestly not possessing more. Continued....

June 13, 2006

I save myself from visiting any negative places in my brain by wasting no time in reminding myself that there will always be better and worse in my life. I am the kind of person who watches out for denial and balance. Denial is not a good quality for me to posses and I have difficulty with balance. I remind myself that I have achieved a level of relating with Bo that has not yet been accomplished with another human being, with myself, or with anything else in life. The love and respect I have for Boner is all about everything mental, physical and spiritual. Boner is a handsome cute dog everyone agrees. The most wonderful dog some people would say. Bo has had more positive comments on his behavior and intelligence than anything else. People are attracted to his spirit whether they realize it or not. Continued....

June 12, 2006

My experience with Boner includes all of those qualities and aspects but also something not possible through comparing or having physical experiences. Boner and I have achieved a connection between the two of us that is truly unique. This connection cannot be experienced in any other way except through each other. This connection I know in my heart and soul is unique. It is ours together. This is a one-on-one relationship of our choosing. It may or may noy have been Boner's choosing in the beginning but it is truly in the present. It blows any concept or ideas about looks, acts, abilities or beliefs out of this physical world. It is about the two of us and nothing else; the love and respect we have for each other. I have achieved an unsurpassed level of success in relationship with Bo. This is a true working relationship. This is a relationship of exploration, trail and error, balance, negotiation, caring, compassion, patience, tolerance and playful unconditional love. Continued....

June 11, 2006

We have shared the experience of complete contentment in the simplicity of our being in each other's company. Our mutual relating is the most successful relationship in my life to date and I do not take it for granted. I have realized through my experiences with Boner that the most important thing for me in life is relationship. Relationships are also what I have had the most struggles with in life. I have learned to have better relationships with the fish in my pond, the people in my life, myself, my work, situations that I used to be fearful of, the list goes on and on. Through an animal, I have learned to have better relationships with money, my computer, my house, my car. Life is all about relationship. I often try to imagine what would happen if I experience this mutual level of relating with another human being. Now, that will be euphoria. End.

June 10, 2006

When people ask me why I named my dog Boner they do it to start a conversation, because they want to explore my thoughts and get some verification because they are thinking sex and they want to know if I'm thinking that also, or they just want to joke around. There are those who do not ask why I named my dog Boner because they do not care or its not important to know why and also because it is a known name people give to dogs. It would be like asking why a dog is named Rover.

Words are important. The word associations with the name Boner that do not come to mind for me are.... of a bad man (male issues), dirty sex organ (sexual issues), sinful sex relations (religious issues). I am sad for those who relate to these issues on a repressive level and then again sometimes I think shame on them. Should I also repress myself and not name my dog Boner in order to be considerate of these kinds of thoughts? I think not. Often, people in my life have attempted to assign false motives to my thoughts especially my siblings and if I had agreed with those people I would have no life. To anyone who attempts to assign false motives or any negative connotations to the name Boner, to that I say: Pshaw!

I have always enjoyed the word Boner. The fact is.... the word and feeling associations that come to my mind with the name Boner are ... fun, playful, sexy and male. It is as simple as that. Who doesn't like fun, who does not like playful, who doesn't like sexy, and if you have any troublesome issues with males well.... I may be in for some trouble. When I think of Boner I am reminded of being alive and happy and that is what I want him to be. That is why my dog is named Boner.

June 09, 2006

I thank God all the time for Boner's insight when it comes to my need to be left alone. I can be like a crazy man all manic getting ready for a job or a crazy man completely lost in self-narcissism not able to respond to anything. Bo stays constant, observing, waiting. If I am off in my head for a length of time, I can see him picking up my intensity and getting uptight and that helps me to loosen up and relax for his sake. If he comes over to me and I cannot deal with him, which is rare, I just say, "not now Bo" and he listens and goes to lay down. I have never had to tell him twice. I work much harder now to stay level headed than before Bo came into my life because I want a level headed dog. Boner also needs space sometimes. If I call and he does not want to come, I do not push it unless it is important for some reason. Sometimes I want to play and he does not. He will pull away, turn his head away and even get up and leave. I can deal with that. It is called respecting his space. He does it for me I do it for him.

June 08, 2006

Boner is so funny. When I am at my desk working he can be in a deep sleep and while in the middle of a large inhaling snore he will leap off the couch and be at the back door barking because he knows a skunk family or a cat is walking through the back yard. When I need a break from work, I often go lay on the couch with him for a three-minute hug. He knows to automatically flip himself onto his back for a tummy rub at the same time. Bo knows how it works, there has to be something in it for him too. I like to balance our relating this way to help empower his self worth. Sometimes as I'm getting out of bed in the morning he comes in my room to greet me with tail wagging and at other times he wants me to go to his room and greet him first with a morning hug in his bed. If I would have read something wussy like this before I had a dog it would have made me want to puke. What can I say, "it is what it is?"

June 07, 2006

The way Boner and I relate is always switching up. For example, when he was younger he slept away from me. He was originally crate trained and slept downstairs at night in his crate (den). When the crate was put away, he choose the sofa. There were a few bad nights in the beginning when he landed down in the basement. They were painful nights for both of us. After a few years, he moved into my bed with me. After his many attempts of pushing me out of my bed, I negotiated by giving him my special five hundred dollar thick wool rug purchased while hiking in New Zealand to use. He liked that and assumed his new position sleeping at the foot of my bed. When my adopted son came into the picture, he turned to switching locations at random from my room, to Mike's bed, to the downstairs sofa. After I threw my son out to get married, Boner took over his bedroom and queen size bed to claim it for his own. This is where he now sleeps. Every once in awhile he will come to sleep on the floor next to me. I have often wondered why he chooses his spots. Is it to stake his territory, have the best vantage point for being Mr. watchdog, is he feeling insecure, maybe there is no particular reason its just whatever floats his boat for the night, maybe he wants a change of scenery, is he doing whatever he thinks I want? My bet is that it is for one reason or a mixture of several on any given night depending on his experiences of the day and in the moment. I am open to any possibilites that have not come to mind. I am interested in everything about him just for the sake of understanding and knowing him the best that I can.

June 06, 2006

Part of my success with Boner has been my accepting of his unconditional desire to please. My ingrained tendencies were to deal with him through my fears. I would fend off those fears by projecting what was going to happen, assuming what did happen and why, and interpreting his behavior with negative connotations such as, "he is trying to get back at me" "he's trying to assert control and dominance over me" " he wants to or soon will take advantage of me". You know.... all the stuff we are taught growing up. I learned to change my ways by "observing" and the practice of "not jumping to conclusions". I remember when we were performing for a special needs community and after returning there for several years and greeting the same mentally challenged people, Boner would specifically adjust himself to them by tuning into their energy. He would stop his own and lay still so they could pet him. He was trusting, patient and unafraid. Bo learned to instinctively know, and do what was needed for the job.

June 05, 2006

Bo's favorite junk treat is pizza crust; second to that, I would say cheese twists. When I am in a pinch a matzo wafer or half a hotdog roll will do. He does not like hard pretzels but yum with soft pretzels. He is not crazy about salt. When he was young, he enjoyed pig's ears and any kind of rawhide. In addition, three-foot long calves legs turned him on, but now he just creates a hidden possession with them. I find his bones in the craziest places. I get the same reaction as when I find food hidden in a napkin between my sofa cushions after a party. It is like, "what... why... I can't believe you thought of and followed through with this spot". When someone comes to visit, he will jump for any large bone and prance around in circles with it in his mouth. It is a funny sight. I would love for him to enjoy real bones from dinner but he gets the "runs" if he eats them. He tries to digest steak and rib bones and it does not work. It messes up his stomach. Bones that he cannot totally shred and eat bore him. When he was younger he used to love ham bones with peanut butter in the middle. Now he just licks out the peanut butter and coould care less about chewing on the bone. He loves all kinds of eatable doggie bones. Especially when they come from other people like the toll takers, bank tellers, random people on the street who carry dog bones with them.... Boner has a plastic ball toy that I insert bits of treats into at night and he will amuse himself until it is empty. He is really good with this ball and uses his paws and nose to bat it around on the floor. His favorite good food treat I would say, liver treats.

June 04, 2006

Every night Boner gets a treat. He does not let me forget; it is important to him. He will bug me for it and sometimes he will test how hard he can bug me. He knows if he bugs me too much I will get aggravated. Once he did not get the treat because of his pestering and I think it was more painful for me than him. I did that only once. Consequences like that never worked for me and they have never worked for Bo. I feel he has a right to a treat and that he should have something to feel that way about. It is empowering for him. Bo will nudge me until he knows that I know that he is waiting. I give it to him at the same time every night because the structure helps him to not have to "act out" any neediness. He will visit me and leave, back and forth, he will lay right besides me, hang close, make noises with his paws, his mouth, whack his tail and body against the floor the wall whatever he can find. He used to get my attention by stamping his feet like a horse. When I am preoccupied he will stare me down with complete stillness as he has nothing else to do and when I finally cannot take it any longer, I will say something like, "stop it, in a minute, not yet" and he will totally obey and go lay on the dinning room rug and wait because he knows that it will come. I have been very responsible to always follow through. It is the least I can do if he does his part in leaving me alone and in being so patient as to wait for however long he needs to.

June 03, 2006

I wish when people are feeding Boner "on the slide" they realized that they are gratifying themselves first and foremost and not Bo. A person should always ask if the food is ok because in might create an allergy for him or his digestive tract might not be used to the food. He gets sick as a result. The dog suffers when people rationalize and "slip him" a non-dog treat. It is not relative if they give their own dog treats and it does not become ill. All dogs, like people are not the same. Also when at a gathering of many people they are not giving the dog one treat they are adding the other nineteen treats being "slipped to him" by others. The poor dog then is sick with an upset stomach and is awake all night trying to hold in his diarrhea until he just embarrasses himself with no choice by dropping it all in the house. I used to be one of these people before I had a dog. Now I have learned to respect animals with less thought about my own weakness in response to a begging situation and more respect for an animal's health and well being.

June 02, 2006

Boner and I went for a walk to 7/11 to get some milk later in the night. I told Bo to lie down and wait for me outside while I went in to make the purchase. On the way out of the store, two "thuggy-like" kids were in front of me. I saw their thinking on seeing Bo laying there on the pavement, shaved, no collar, no leash, tongue hanging, tail waving. They were dumbfounded with awe and put forth all their effort to not lose control with their reaction. Their way of responding was to extend themselves over and above by holding the door an extra long time for me and after gaining full composure just turned to me to say, "that's a cute dog you have there". I said, "thanks, he really is incredible". As I walked home, I thought how important it is for people to see that a dog can function in society without a collar, leash and all the protective laws that are continually being made for dog owners. None of that is empowering for a dog or its owner. To live with no empowering alternatives other than "what might happen", "this is the only way", "the majority says it best", translates into pure fear, control and repression for both of us. That way has never worked for me and it has never worked for BO. I tried fear, control and repression for the first two years with Bo, I was raised that way and it was the only way I knew until my mid-twenties. I crushed my fifth metacarpal trying to control Boner. With three screws in my right hand and a second chance, I learned my lesson. Bo cl taught me the way to go. No to fear and repression. Yes to freedom and empowerment. I will expound on that lesson another time. I learned that it is important to see and learn the possibilities of understanding more than one way to function through life and in accepting that fact I found bliss with my Boner.

June 01, 2006

I was able to observe the pure enlightenment of a child's spirit as his mother lifted him up close to Bo today. The boy was about three years old; his eyes were full of wonder as he mirrored Bo's simplistic being. I watched from about four feet away as the two of them interacted. They were oblivious to me. I experienced a child's love. It reminded me of a past television moment when Nancy Regan said her goodbye to her husband over his casket. I was amazed, I felt honored to be able to indulge in someone's most intimate experience up so close.

May 31, 2006

Trying to gauge Boner's physical abilities so I do not over work, walk, or run him can be a challenge. This is especially true considering that I do not want to discourage his drive to push himself as far as he wants to go. The limits without question are observed through trial and error. As Bo ages it becomes more complicated and tricky because one bad injury could be permanent and as with everyone, some days we can do more physically than on other days. That goes for weeks and even months. Then there is the fact that his doing, or not doing anything physical could be an unrelated communication of some kind and nothing physical. When Boner was young I realized how his natural instincts are and should be always in play, that he will sometimes push himself to the point of injury to keep up with doing anything in order to stay with "the pack". Once when going out for exercise, I felt that I could not walk fast enough for him to move at a comfortable pace so I decided to ride my bike while he ran behind me going through the park. He was not on a leash and I knew he would follow so I paced myself with him and as long as he was keeping up, I thought everything was fine. It was not fine. I did not find out until afterwards. He had worn out the pads on his paws. His paws were raw. I thought that because he was running on a tar surface and it was not cement there would not be a problem. Lesson learned, never again on the bike with Bo.

May 30, 2006

As I watch Bo having fun while rolling around in the grass and throwing himself onto his back for a good back rub and as he fails all four legs uncontrollably in the air, I become conscious of being thankful for the development of flea and tick deterrents. I give them to him once a month in the warmer seasons. The days of fighting the facts with denial while finding disgusting blood sucking bulging ticks on his ears and flea crusted colonies that used to grow on his backside in humid weather are over. You see we go out every day into the fields and woods for exercise and fun exploration. I also started to give him heartworm medicine a few months ago after a friend told me the story of what happened to her dog and I began to understand what heartworm is, what it does, and how it grows. Ugh! The uncaring, cheap and lazy part of me wants to think that all that medicine stuff is sold as an over precaution to make money for business. Thank God, the goodness of my character has won out.

May 29, 2006

I try to keep an awareness of Boner at all times and I realize that this is not possible or healthy so stuff happens. Like when he is sniffing for other friends to play with or possibly eat in the yard. Lets see... he has found rabbits, snails, deer, slugs, birds, skunks, groundhogs, possum, mice and then there are... brown TOADS. I would have thought he would have learned his lesson the first time but I suppose when his instincts take over and he is on the hunt, if something is moving in the bush, he has just got to get it! I know when it has been a toad because he will come back to sit with me while foaming at the mouth for about a half hour. There must be something with the chemical reaction to touching them with his tongue and its not a good reaction.

May 28, 2006

I know this is common sense but as I write about Bo and our relationship, I want to list everything including the need to have water available for him, always. Believe it... sometimes I can be so self-absorbed with my life that I do not think about Boner or I may see a need that he has and I just ignore it. I also can be forgetful. I am becoming more vigilant as he ages, as I want him around for as long as possible. While outside in the yard when nothing else is available, he laps rain water laying in ground pockets and in plant containers on the porch. I have a permanent bowl for water outside in the summer so I will see it everytime I let him outside. It is a big bowl just like the one he uses in the house. Big, so that it always has water in it and I never need to think about it. I refresh his kitchen bowl every morning. When we go for a ride, I always keep Bo's cloth dog bowl around with a gallon container of water. When its going to be a really hot day and a long ride to a performance, I fill his bowl with ice and he drinks it as it melts and when he wants to to cool down a bit he just leans over the seat to lap on the ice for awhile.

May 27, 2006

I gave Bo his summer shave today. I shave Boner once a year, VERY carefully and smoothly, talking to him constantly, telling him what a great job he is doing all with an approach ever so slowly and taking breaks all the time. It can be a four hour process but worth it. He loves to get shaved. He likes to feel naked it makes him feel sexy if you know what I mean. Boner feels like a new dog with a haircut. He is much more comfortable when the weather gets humid especially as he gets older and its easier for me to find any critters that want to attach themselves to him. The first year I did it too early in the season, in April. He shivered all night for two weeks and I had to wrap him in blankets so he could sleep. Shaving time is now in the middle or end of May.

The first time I shaved him I also tried to clip his nails. I slipped with the clippers on his tail and Boner never forgets. The second time I was too afraid so I took him to a groomer and then from then on I told myself I can and should do it. He is the best. There is no question that he is constantly sending me the vibes to watch out for his tail, even after many years. He sits down every time I go near it. Other than sitting, he actually falls asleep on his back with the electric trimmers shaving his belly. I have so much respect and love for his trust of me when I am grooming him. We take breaks all the time to regroup our focus and energy and to keep the area that we are working in clean. It takes about two hours. I give him a good run to tire him out first, and then a good treat when we are one. Today it is peanut butter on a warm hotdog roll. I am much more nervous about it than he is. It drains me tremendously because I know that if I slip with the shears, its all over, no more grooming forever. When he was young, I tried clipping his nails. I went too deep with the cut my first time and that was the last time for both of us. Neither of us could bear even trying again. I was not about to pay to have his nails clipped so we have the habit of always taking time to walk and run on the sidewalk to wear them down. As long as Bo has the normal walk time that he should have anyway, the lengths of his nails have never been a problem.

May 26, 2006

Of course I want for Bo to like my music and believe it or not, I was insecure thinking about it while bringing him home. When he arrived home one of the first things I did while he was sniffing around the room was to set up my big JBL sound speaker with my keyboard and begin to play. He immediately came right up to the speaker and laid down in front of it and went to sleep. It was Ragtime and Boogie Woogie piano music, not soft music and he stayed there until I was done. You can imagine what that did for my psyche. Even more amazing to me, just last year, I again set the up speaker and keyboard as I had kept them in the truck for the last six months and before that I had been using a headset in the house. It was the same response. After twelve years he again came over to the speaker, laid down in of it and went to sleep. This time it was to the sound of my improvisational music.

May 25, 2006

Boner love's a ripe raspberry treat. I have a large patch in my back yard and when they are ripe for the picking he enjoys my offering him one at a time. He never takes them off the stem when I am not around. This is defiantly a "do it together" activity, an opportunity to interact and communicate, to create an exchange. He has no desire to gorge himself. One, two, or three will "do the trick" and satisfy him. He comes over as I am filling a bowl to give me the, "I want one" look. Then will gently take the raspberry from my hand and savor it in his mouth as it dissolves. When in the house and I give him a treat I always wait for him to sit. From that behavior, he developed on his own additional idea that he needs to be considerate when taking whatever he is going to get. He takes his treats like they are fragile, prize possessions that need to be cherished with care.

May 24, 2006

Ever since Bo first seemed to be slowing up, I started to give him vitamins. He gets one every morning. I started to give them to him at about ten years old. They are more expensive than my vitamins! I think they are a rip-off but he should have them, so that is that. I did not want it to be a problem for him to take, so I tried to keep that energy out of the mix. The approach is to give it to him with the idea that it was something special. Often I will take mine at the same time to exemplify a bonding activity. He used to flick the vitamin delicately with his tongue from my fingers ever so thoughtfully. Sometimes he comes running when he hears the container being opened and on other days, he just waits to see if I will bring it to him. Often I just put it in my pocket and give it to him at a random time during the day. Last year he stopped taking it and I had to put it deep down into his mouth. Then I learned if I just hold it in my hand, he would take it by licking it off. Sometimes I have to let it drop to the floor and then he will eat it. He needs his vitamins and I want to make it as pleasant and easy for him as possible so I go by his rules when possible.

May 21, 2006

I love to play "dog". Meeting and respecting Bo on his level has always been important to me. In the very beginning, I was stupidly destroying Bo's nature as a dog. Too much domestication. After I "grew up", I learned to want for him to have as many life experiences as possible, most especially his natural dog experiences. I don't encourage it, but I also do not admonish him when he comes back to me after a romp in the field with the proudest frantic panting, covered in blood from rolling in his kill. Yes, Boner has eaten a rabbit or two. Sometime's when he is sprawled out on the hot black tar driveway in the front of my house I join him and we lay out together in the sun. I couldn't care less what the neighbors think. I think.... its just incredibly that I have him around to take me out of the days chaos for a moment or two and into the simplest of places, grounded, as close to earth as possible in the pure bliss of sharing a simple act together in total peaceful comfort. When he is rolling in the grass, I roll with him and then I chase him around on the lawn until his tongue is hanging two feet out of the side of his mouth. Sometimes he will tell me enough is enough and just lay down in play mode to say its time for me to roll him over to rub his belly. When I find Bo sitting on the sidewalk I go sit cross legged on the cement next to him. it is just like when I'm laying on the sofa watching television he will come and jump up to lay next to me just to be close. When we are laying close together sometimes we play the "doggie butt head" game sniffing each other frantically testing each others limits. Head sniffing only here.

May 18, 2006

Bo and I were walking through the school grounds about ten minutes ago as the kids were leaving school. One boy walked right past me as though I did not exist but when he spotted Bo walking behind me his face instinctively gave way to a smile of love and simple joy. This was the usual response for someone who experiences my dog. The boy's smile gave me a smile and I asked myself, "why doesn't everyone react this way when they see Bo".

I have come to understand through the years, for some people the definition of love is expressed through care and concern, which in my experience with Bo often manifests through their thoughts of fear and repression. What they see in Bo is their own fears which has nothing to do with or is anything close to what Bo is experiencing. These are thoughts such as, "oh my God he is not on a leash and will get hit by a car or run away and get lost forever", "he does not want to be doing what he is doing he cannot be enjoying himself sitting on that piano and is being forced to conform", "I can see no water or food, he is being tortured". Thank God, people like this are not in the majority. Their expressions of fear and repression have been learned throughout their formative years and even sought out as an adult just as my expressions of love have been sought out and re-learned throughout my life. Joy does not usually fit into many of thier equations.

I want people to experience Boner's freedom and empowerment, to enjoy his choices and decisions, to give him credit for being so good without a leash around his neck, for choosing not to jump off the piano on his own. To trust that his obedience comes from being supported in his goodness. People who experience these qualities know the love that comes from simply, "being".

March 15, 2006

Bo takes care of me. When we are in the truck driving home after a performance I will have my hand on the gear shift and no matter how tired he is, before he lays down he will take the time to lick my hand for about five minutes. I don't remember when or how it started. I do remember observing it over a period of time to understand what he was doing because he did it every time. Today it is clear that he is massaging me and cleaning my hands knowing that they hurt and are tired because I was working hard with them. He knows what is going on.

March 16, 2006

I have started to write a blog about my recent trip to the hurricane affected areas for which I will need to create a new page. The writting below has been mostly about Bo and I'm going to stop at this point until I get the trip-a-log on the website. Please keep checking back.

March 14, 2006

... I thought he might be stuck in the rafters under the house. I checked everywhere. Every once in a while I would hear a faint bark from a distance. All the sounds echoed around the lake so it was very difficult to pin point the direction it was coming from. I called my family to get everyone praying for us. After many hours it must have been like ten at night, in my distressed state Celeste calls me into the cabin and says she has something to show me. I open the door to the bedroom and there is Bo sitting as obedient as can be wagging his tail and needing to go outside to the bathroom real bad. He had followed me in the room when I was unloading the truck and I thought he was outside. I closed the door to the bedroom with him in it and never went back in. I had trained him not to bark so he was torn apart in trying to be a good boy by not barking but also wanted to answer my frantic calls for him. So he choose the middle road and yelped ever so lightly and quietly each time, and I figured it was so faint it must have been from a distance. That was a very intense experience for me.

March 13, 2006

I lost Bo two times, the second time was one for the books. Thank god I had my friend Celeste to turn to for support. The situation really was a matter of too much training. Training that turned against me. I was taking a retreat for two days in a cabin on a lake in middle Pennsylvania that Celeste had found for me to rent. It was a very stressful life period for me so I did not have my head together very well. I pulled onto the grounds and let Bo out of the truck as usual to sniff the area. After unloading the truck, I went down to the water to check out the scenery. It was late afternoon and the sun was about to set. I called for Bo and he did not come to me. I called and called and called. Nothing. I looked everywhere, and then began to think about the fact that this was the first time Bo had ever been away from home and had no experience staying in a different environment. He was in the woods and I had no idea where I was. It was beginning to get dark and rain. Fear. I called Celeste who made flyers for me and we began to drive and circle the lake walking up to houses with the flyers, sticking them in mailboxes and constantly screaming for Bo to hear us. I told her that every once in a while when I called for him I heard a faint yelp like it was coming from across the lake. That was far away.

more...

March 12, 2006

I lost Bo two times in the past. The anguish I suffered can only be compared to the abandonment I felt as a child through a sad period when I had a baby sister who died. It is a fine line for me when it comes to being over protective as my mother was to me. She suffered from he own sense of abandonment from her family and great losses, guilt, fears, all the usual stuff. So, I take chances. I would rather error on the side of faith, trust and empowerment when it comes to my dog. When Boner was young, we were walking on the beach and all of a sudden, he decided to run. Running wasn't the problem. The fact that he was running into oblivion and did not stop because there was nothing to stop for was the problem. He was soon gone. I started to freak calling his name. It was off-season down the shore so there was no one around and it was a misty day. I ran everywhere, along the water, along the beach, I went inland up and down the streets. After about a half hour I saw his figure in the distance he had gone back to where we separated and was out on the end of a jetty standing alone from where he thought the best vantage point see. We reunited. He did not seemed concerned at all so I really worked on mirroring that behavior from him. And we went on as usual except for the "pit" I felt in my stomach.

March 11, 2006

I had a very interesting thing happen about two years ago. I started going to a few Yoga classes at my local gym. I have always liked to stretch but I always hurt myself doing it. The instructor was terrific because for the first time I was lead into a well paced warm-up and I was constantly reminded to breath loud enough to hear myself breathing. I have had a habit of holding my breath when I exert energy even when playing the piano. It was amazing to realize in the class that I could breath through my nose for an hour without opening my mouth. Who knew? A nose for breathing. It took almost fifty years to learn that. I now enjoy walking through my neighborhood to exercise while feeling very proud that I can keep my mouth shut while doing so. Another excersise I learned in Yoga I perform every morning after I get up. I position myself on all fours and arch my hinny up into the air to create an angle in order to sweep down into a deep stretch to open up and loosen my body tendons and muscles. So one fine morning Bo walks into the bedroom and I notice that he performs the same stretch that I am about to do. Then I realize that the positional stretch in yoga is named "down dog". I couldn't believe it. The powers that "be" in yoga learned the stretch from dogs and called it down dog! My dog has been showing me what to do every morning for over ten years and I just "got it" from a yoga instructor!!! Cheezzzzz

March 10, 2006

I learned from Boner the art of getting to where you want to go through the management of micro movement. In the beginning, I would set a boundary of where Bo would stay in one area and he would work the boundary line. When I would turn away, he would cross the line. I would put him back and he would go halfway. I would put him back and he would try just a leg. He listened for about ten minutes. When I looked, he had about an inch of his paw across the line. I said nothing. Five minutes later, about two inches. Five minutes later the full paw. I would put the foot back. Then it started again but this time he put about an eight of an inch of his toenail across and the process would just start with lower increments each time. I was careful this exercise did not become a form of attention getting communication. It went on for a long while my trying to get him to do what I wanted. It only happened when I was totally on his back all the time. It was exhausting. I was doing the best I could do but I was not doing a great job.

March 09, 2006

...The leash came out the next day and the battle began. It was a constant tug of war. Then I found out about the choker chain. The idea is to choke your dog so he will think that he will die unless he obeys you. This is supposed to take only one hard jolt and he will have learned his lesson. I realized that I would have to yank with total conviction or I would be choking Bo for the next two years.

I should have been convicted of insanity trying to get the nerve to complete the job full throttle. Time and patience brought the desired results not threats, fear and bodily harm.

March 08, 2006

In the beginning I was so proud and thought I had a little miracle dog because Boner walked right next to me all the time, no problem, no leash and under all conditions. That was until one day he had a new thought while we were walking. "I think I'll explore this neighbors lawn". I said, "come here Bo". When he did not respond to the command I moved towards him and he showed me, "uh, I don't think so" by backing up and then he started running in circles as in "forget the exploration, you wanna play"? That moment Boner discovered what today is still his favorite game. It is called "catch me if you can". He wants to always be the catchee. I he created that first separation I immediately went into fear mode trying to find clarity in a head swirling with thoughts. "Don't move towards him he will think it's a game, he will realize he can out run me, he will become afraid, he will realize what miss-behaving is, he will run away, he'll run into the street and get hit by a car, he will never listen to me again if he disobeys just one time and gets away with it, he will make me look like an idiot to the neighbors, he will run and I will never see him again, I'm a loser, etc..." I could go on...

March 07, 2006

Boner has played many a test through the years on how far he can go and what he can get away with. There was a time when I interpreted those tests of boundaries and limits with fear and as a threat. I was incredibly repressing, controlling and manipulative so I did everything in my power to not let the tests happen. I have learned that testing is good, natural and necessary for any healthy relationship. It keeps the relationship growing and fresh. It is a part of the mutual trust needed for empowerment. There must be give and take. There is room for mistakes, a lapse of judgment and regressions in our relationship.

I have developed different levels of reprimand, the look, the finger, the stern talk, the angry talk, the yell, and the hit.

March 06, 2006

If he is running ahead of me which he likes to do there never is a problem because he knows that I am seeing him. If I forget about him for a moment it does not take long for me to realize that he is not with me and that is when I usually turn and look back to catch him having a 'good old time' munching way on something in the grass.

March 05, 2006

I do not like for Boner to eat any strange substances that he may find. He knows that. If he eats something that does not agree with his stomach he won't find out until he throws it up later or gets the 'runs' in the middle of the night. My dog will eat just about anything. If I catch him in the act I make a big verbal 'to do' about it as in, "stop that", "that is disgusting", "eewwww gross eeeeww". He understands.

March 04, 2006

Part of the fun in being a dog is Boner's exploration to find the best possible prize whatever that may be or whatever comes along during his daily run. One time, it only took once after a good run, I laid down with him to relax and we were cuddling for a while. Bo had been belching really smelly belches. I said, "God Bo, your breath is really bad". I didn't think too much about it I just tolerated it. It did stay in the back of my mind because it really was a disgusting smell so I was somewhat concerned. It took about two hours later for me to realize that I had been breathing some other dog's poop or an old dead animal as Bo was panting in my face. I was totally grossed out.

March 03, 2006

When he was a pup, I took Bo for walks along the highway often. I wanted him to grow up with the sounds of traffic, big trucks and the horns so he would never be afraid of them. I wanted him to get the feel of fast movement on the road. To know where it was safe on the sidelines. Walking always on grass when possible except for in the neighborhood where we walk on the sidewalks. When we walk along the street Bo stays on the inside always

March 02, 2006

We have never crossed a street without a sense of danger and urgency. He gets the message. He knows the speeds and boundaries for cars because he is around them all the time. If its late at night with no traffic and he gets to the corner before me and stops and looks at me for a signal and waits. I will give the command "go ahead" or "cross" and he goes without me as long as he looks ready to run for it.

March 01, 2006

When we come to a street corner, we stop. We always stop. I must be sure that he will not jump the gun. I give a strong scream of, "no" if he starts to cross. If I'm still not satisfied and need more control I will demand that he sit. We will not move until he sits. When we cross a street the command is, "cross". I say it strong with intent and urgency. Bo runs across ahead of me unless we are crossing a highway. In crossing a highway, I use the, "stay with me" command hard and repeatedly until we are across and all is safe. Then I always say, "good boy".

February 28, 2006

As Bo gets older, I relax the boundaries and limits, as he knows the rules. If we are in familiar environment, he walks about fifty feet in front of me on the sidewalk. If he is walking ahead of me, he will try to slip in a marking of territory with a quick pee. What can I do? Sometimes he is just ahead of the game. It does not accomplish anything to make a big deal. This I learned from the beginning years. Basically its no lawns, no running after anything and wait for me to know which direction to go at the corner.

February 27, 2006

When we walk on the sidewalk, we walk together. I say, "Bo, stay with me" and Boner picks which side he wants to walk on. When we get to a grassy area I say, "go ahead" and he knows that he is free to go at his own pace as long as it is basically with me. The sidewalk is for walking and the neighbor's grass is not for walking. Bo has run on a neighbor's lawn maybe three times in his life.

February 26, 2006

We have practiced our outside routines from the start and continue with them today. They vary from time to time and sometimes I get lax with them but I always stay aware of safety first and then secondly what is really necessary and not. I reel the discipline back in when necessary. It is an ongoing process ebbing and flowing.

February 25, 2006

At points where the walking direction can go more than one way he waits until I get there to tell him which way we are going. When another dog or a stranger comes into the picture from a distance I call him to me until the coast is clear or I can see it is safe. It has always been and always will be a touchy moment when walking past another dog. It is very difficult to keep Bo from going over to the dog if he sees that it is on a leash or seems not to be wild. Even with a repeatedly harsh, "stay" command over and over I lose the battle for a moment sometimes.

February 24, 2006

When he strays, I'm not sure if he is pre-occupied, testing me, possibly just not thinking and these days if maybe old age is setting in. I want him to search for me occasionally. It is exercise for his sniffing and finding skills and it reassures me that those tools are working for him in case they are needed for real. I always have fear of losing him floating around in my head.

February 23, 2006

From time to time, I create refresher exercises for our limits and boundaries. For example, I will take advantage of a moment when he starts to become wayward by purposely letting him stray and then I'll hide behind something until he realizes that he went out of bounds. When he remembers that out of sight out of mind is not a good thing, or that I am not with him and that is not good he will start to search for me even though he knows that he will get the look of disapproval that I have developed when we re-connect.

Sometimes these exercises are created on their own, for example when I am just too tired to keep the mental connection with him. I try to stay connected with Bo on some level whenever he is loose but sometimes I get totally lost in my own thoughts when we are walking and I lose total awareness. The saying "god protects fools and whatever" applies here.

February 22, 2006

In the beginning when Boner ran into the brush and I lost sight of him, I allowed a period of time for him to enjoy what he was doing and then I called for him. I developed a time frame and kept it. Bo has always respected it. I believe this is because I was consistent until it became a habit for him.

I always keep a mental connection with Bo when we are outside or with the public. Without fail if he goes completely out of my mind so does all of the training and that is when things can get out of hand. I remind myself that I am the responsible shepherd for this dog.

February 21, 2006

Bo has lost his awareness of me very few times when we have been out exploring even when he is running after a deer. He has always stopped not when he knows he will lose the race but when he realizes that, he is getting too far away from me. That is because I always keep up my end of the bargain with the responsibility of pulling him back when I am able. In the beginning, I would yell to stop when he was ten feet away. I gradually and steadily increased the distance over time. I reached the end of the safety zone in my head and I have kept the same distance continually every day. It is still the same after ten years. We have agreed that we must always be able to see each other and that is how Bo judges the distance.

February 20, 2006

I think it is absolutely necessary for Bo to run wild and on his own as often. We are always exploring different places to do this. On a leash walking, he would not get very much exercise moving at my pace. I trust his natural instincts to exercise himself as needed. I also think that his having a period of time to be on his own do whatever he wants every day helps him with a healthy sense of self-assuredness. Boner does have responsibility with limits and boundaries when it comes to running on his own.

February 19, 2006

The cab of the truck has always been Boner's "den" away from home. All animals have a den and Bo has had this den since he was eight weeks old. Unless he thinks I am coming back right away he'll wait inside for me on the seat. I keep the windows open or closed depending on the temperature outside. For the first two years I had a winter heater installed in the truck for when I was gone over an hour until I realized a sweater worked just as well and he likes to wear one. If the sun is nice I will return to find him sprawled out in the truck bed whether people are around or not. He just loves to zone out. In the summer when it is really hot, or when I go to the beach and he is not permitted because of laws, I prop up a beach umbrella over the back of the truck, I cover the area with a comforter so the plastic is not too hot and I provide a huge bowl of ice and just in case he wants to jump out of the back window for a change of scenery. Sometimes he heads off the seat and down to the floor when he does not want to go outside. Its cooler down there so he also lays on the floor when the weather is hot. Sometimes he just doesn't want anyone to know he's in the truck. When there's a thunder storm or too much choas around the truck he jumps to the floor because it feels more secure and safe for him.

February 18, 2006

Boner also has the ability to emphatically look away to communicate that he is leaving me alone when I'm eating a hoagie or french fries because he knows if he does leave me alone he will surely, "get some" eventually. He stretches his neck as far down to the floor and out of the way as possible and lies completely still. I am almost sure it is also a coping mechanism for him to get as far away from the temptation as possible.

February 17, 2006

Bo sits like a person in his seat and loves to look out the window when we drive. He loves to stare at people and not react to them waving and making there "doggie talk" when we are waiting at a red light. As a young dog, he enjoyed lying across the front seat with his head in my lap. As he matured, he began to prefer laying on his own and away from me. Sometimes as far away as possible. It seems like time he is taking for his own but still with me. When we start out on the rode sometimes, for some reason he wants to cuddle with me. When he is happy he always communicates that by sitting strong next to my side while I drive. That happens quite a bit.

February 16, 2006

If the environment seems dangerous for Bo with too much traffic or flying objects, or if I need to concentrate extra hard while driving I call him inside from the truck bed. There is not a moment Bo is with me in the truck when I am not totally aware of what he is doing and aware of the surroundings and conditions. I am on alert to anticipate any sudden changes concerning our needs for safety.

Bo knows when I am having a tough time driving. He leaves me completely alone lying with his head off the seat pointed away from me as in, "I'm not here". It is not difficult for him to detect when I need that behavior from him, as I am one of those people who has not so nice conversations out loud to myself concerning crazy drivers.

February 15, 2006

The truck bed is a fun area for Bo. When he gets excited from a scent or when he recognizes that we are going to the park or a friend's house he jumps into the back and runs circles. It's a good release for him. When he feels cooped up from being in the house he cannot wait to hang out in the back and get some air. On a sunny day, you will not find Boner inside the cab. Bo loves to test how much of the wind he can take. He sits hanging with his head over the side of the truck bed while we are zooming down the road with his face flapping in the wind. I also love those times because it blows all of his shedding hair away. When the wind is too cold but he wants to be in the truck bed Boner sits right in the center by the window where the wind blows over him. He jumps in and out through the back window when he pleases. He almost automatically comes inside when we turn onto an expressway. Especially when I start driving up to one hundred forty miles an hour.

February 14, 2006

I put Bo in the truck bed the day I brought him home. Before he was able to reach the topsides his paws, I use to ride him around the neighborhood and create sharp turns with sudden starts and stops to help him develop the balance he needed to be safe. I showed him with our driving lessons that the boundaries in the truck bed were secure and he would be safe in them. It was intense practice always keeping an eye on the road and Bo at the same time. When he went to jump on top of the wheel hub in the back, I always threw him off showing him that it was not safe. It did not take long for him to learn. Luckily, he grew to a perfect size for his head to sit flatly on top of the truck sides with the rest of his body completely secure inside. To this day, it is a complete, "no" to having his paws anywhere other than the truck bed floor. He doesn't even think about it because I never let it start to begin with. He knows he can run but not jump back there.

February 13, 2006

I have always wanted my dog to be as loose and free as possible. I knew he would always be with me so as far as the truck was concerned I wanted him to have as many comfort options as possible. He usually stays in the cab sitting or laying on the seat. I special ordered a back window for the truck so that he can set off in and out and hang around in the back if he wants.

February 12, 2006

I am ninety nine point nine percent sure that Bo will stay in the truck under all conditions. I've seen quite a bit through the years, his reacting to cats, rabbits, squirrels running, dogs jumping up on the sides of the truck, people trying to coax him out with food... he will take it to the edge, the very edge as far as he can without going over the cliff. He uses all his might to keep his feet on the ground because he knows he will have no control if he gets the opportunity to use them as leverage to pull himself up and over the side.

I've never had a worry of Bo jumping out of the truck. He was patterned to stay in the truck, he feels empowered to protect the truck and I sense that he understands the privilege that comes from being obedient in the fact that he gets to go everywhere with the rest of his "pack". His dog family consists of everyday people.

February 11, 2006

I tell Boner not to talk to strangers when I'm gone. I think someone must have come up to the truck in the early days when the window was closed and Boner was terrorized by him or her. When he is inside the truck and I am nowhere to be found and the windows are up and someone comes over to the truck... watch out. My sweet little doggie will turn into a fearful, raging, teeth marauding foaming maniac. I have scratch marks on the glass to prove it. He feels completely safe with the windows up and he uses all his natural instincts of self-preservation to the fullest. Roll the windows down and its nice doggie. Roll the windows up and people comment, "oh my god I thought he was a nice doggie he's not".

February 10, 2006

The truck is his den, it's his second home. He guards it when I leave. I have never left the truck without saying, "I'll be right back", or "I'll be back in a little while". "Be a good boy Bo". I showed him from the beginning that I would always return. I first left him alone just long enough to be out of sight, then one minute, two minutes, I built up the time one hour, two hours etc... He has never had a reason to feel insecure that I would not return to the truck. I make it interesting for him. I return from different directions and he is never sure from where I will return so his waiting becomes an awareness exercise and a search. He is more concernedly focused on the fact that I will return rather than be bored into a thought about jumping out.

February 09, 2006

How incredibly great it is to leave my truck and to come back to see a panting dog that is waiting for me with an opened mouth smile and tail wagging. Sometimes I find him just sitting as still as can be waiting for me with an incredibly focused, intense look of patience on his face.

People who have seen this look know exactly what I am talking about. Whether it is while in performance or at a grocery store, Bo naturally draws a crowd and they just stand there watching him until I come outside so they can tell me how cute he is.

February 08, 2006

After what happened to me yesterday I am realizing that I am becoming my own hero. I have always had to stroke myself to feel anything. That's just the way it is for me. I can get validation and reassurance from others but unless I feel it personally from myself its all a nada. God I hate that fact. Anyway, my life today is completely different from the past. When I was told of my disaster, I acquired for the first time a headache. I never understood these headaches with other people before in fact it has always irritated me to hear about them, basically because I could never understood. I now understand. When something like this even on a miniscule level happened in my past, I would immediately turn into shut down mode. I would turn to something self-destructive or a distraction. Television, eating, two packs of cigarettes, a good twenty drinks and they needed to be strong, maybe a drug or five, sex all day everyday, sleeping all day everyday, joining in someone else's chaos to lose myself so we could create a new and bigger chaos together, you name it I've participated in many diversions for many years. Yesterday, I hung up the phone and called two friends. I had plans for dinner at Country Buffet with a neighbor and I immediately called them to cancel because I knew I would eat all the furniture as well as the food. Then I went immediately to work I did not even need to think about it except to say, "get back up on the horse right away, keep going". I went for a walk in the park with Bo. I sat with my parents for a few minutes at their grave where Bo and I wrestled with each other playing for a little bit. I came home worked more, ate, went to a friends house and played on their piano for about a half hour, came home worked, watched some tv and went to bed. At one point, I felt myself losing my ability to think, at another point I literally could feel myself sinking into a deep depression. This was when I thought a double whammy had come my way. Thank God that passed. The miracle for my life yesterday was that I did not need to fight with any decisions of what to do. I realized on a deeper level then ever before that I have the strength to move forward through just about anything because what has happened is as bad as it gets. It was like my house had just burned down with everything in it.

I have lost twenty years of work and seven years of full time cataloging. I wrote down four thoughts about two hours after the news. I did the best that I could do. I am not in control of what happened. Everything will be OK. I am not going to look back, I am going to live my life in today.

February 07, 2006

Well I really do not mean for these writings to be a blog. I'm not quite sure what I want them to be yet. I do want to share with others the relational aspects between my dog and myself. Today I am coping with a disaster. I have spent the last seven years almost full time along with performing, the cataloging my personal history along with the Raggin' Piano Boogie history. I had more or less finished it and wanted to share it with the world so I digitalized it. 50 years of my life and almost twenty years of Raggin' Piano Boogie. I had personal pictures, journals, videos, writings, front page newspaper clippings, creative ideas, database collections bo baby pictures etc... I kept backing it all up onto 500 gig hardrives which resulted in one big crash and I lost it all. For example, I had 2600 cataloged pictures for the web site. This is where my dog comes in. There has been no greater experience for me than to simply have the company of another living creature to be with. I do not need reassurance, solace, solutions, charity, anyone to pick up the pieces, distraction, humor, or mutual suffering experiences. At times like this, all I need is to have someone to simply "be" with me. Someone who I can trust wants to "be" with me. Enter Bo. When today's reality hit, a past memory with Bo hit at the same time. It was many years ago when I realized that this dog can empathize. I had lost a life long friend to cancer and I was devastated. I was sitting on my kitchen stairs lost in despair and I was quietly crying with tears running down the sides of my face. Bo quietly walk into the kitchen, stopped and then slowly came over to me, he stood next to me and with an incredible sensitivity he ever so lightly licked a tear from my cheek, sat down next to me and leaned in to me. Then he just sat there slightly pressing against me without moving for a good five minutes until I took hold of him. The experience from that comforting care he gave to me is ingrained in my soul. It is the most significant experience that I have had with this dog. I will never forget it because I think about almost every day. Still.

February 06, 2006

This dog of mine is much more than a trained animal. He thinks, he cares, he respects, he responds, he is cognitive.

I can be working in my back yard with the gates open and preoccupied not even thinking about him. On more than one occasion, he has thrown himself into a full throttle chase for a rabbit or cat crossing the front lawn. I have come around to the front of the house to find Bo at a dead stop, teetering on the curb as to not fall into the street, wanting desperately to continue the chase after whatever across the street, but refraining himself because it was not ok for him to do so unless I say that it is ok. I truly believe I empowered Boner to trust my decisions and I do not take the fact lightly that he would obey my directions even when I am not around. Of course, this is not always the case. After all, he is only a dog as I am only human. I am totally grateful for his acceptance of my direction. I leave the yard gate open on purpose. It is to empower him to make the right choices. He knows the difference, he sees all the other dogs in the gated yards everyday barking their heads off.

Sometimes when we come home at night and he sees a rabbit on the front lawn and starts to get excited, I open the truck door and say, "go for it". I join him in the excitement. When a cat comes on the porch at night and becomes arrogant because he thinks Bo cannot get out, I let Bo out the back door and let them have their chase blindly across the streets and through the neighbor's yards. Of course, this only happens at night and I'm watching the street for cars and I don't want to get into trouble with the neighbors. Night only.

February 05, 2006

Bo's favorite activities are to mark all territories, find or get a treat, eat, play... in that order. I'll talk about the territory first. You might want to skip the rest of today's writing.

When I say, "mark all territories," I mean ALL. Boner is really motivated and spirited when it comes to looking for spots to "take over" the smell from any animal that has passed by before him anywhere and everywhere. He likes it. I am amazed all the time at his ability to utilize his poop in perfect tootsie roll size segments to last for hours. When we are out and about he will wee-wee and wiz all day long. Sometimes he needs to take a break for about a half hour and then, if the spot is right, there he goes again. I often ask him after an hour and a half walk, "Bo, where does it come from"? This guy would win an entry into the Guinness Book of Records if he decided that's what he wanted to do.

February 04, 2006

I enjoy the fact that Bo is able to stand on his own. I especially need him to stay on the piano when I run an errand while on the job. I started to teach him by getting off the truck and instructing him simply but with conviction to "stay". Over the next several months I would repeated the the action and instruction every time I took a musical break. I would walk farther from the truck each time. Then I would leave the truck and teach him to watch me move through the crowd. From different directions I would disappear and reappear. When I disappeared for more than a minute he would jump off into the truck bed. I needed to catch him in the moment of his attempt. I used to hide around corners and watch him. I especially studied his interactions with the crowd while I was gone to make sure I could trust the situation. The split second he would go to take a dive off the piano I would jump into view and throw a "Robert De Niro" look with the finger action used in his movie Meet the Parents. Pointing right at him I would give him a, "I'm watching you". Every time he would think I was gone and the coast was clear I would reappear with the finger pointing. He learned to know the look well. He would stop, caught dead in his tracks. Eventually out of habit he would spend his time while I was gone looking for me. I was careful not to let it develop into a game. This was serious stuff. Then a time came when I was out of the picture and he was sure the coast was clear. Knowing full well that he was being bad he took a jump. Problem was he landed on the piano keys which created major piano discord through the speakers. It scared the daylights out of him. It was really pretty funny as I jumped in turning around as did the crowd to see him cowering back onto the piano with a look of chagrin on his face. It only took once. He knew from that time forward that if the piano lid was up he did not stand a chance of getting away with any shenanigans. My putting the lid down over the keys after the end of the performance was his signal to come down.

One night when I was gone about ten minutes from the truck, a strange middle aged woman decided to take Bo off the piano and out of the truck. With a leash she had in her pocketbook she decided that she would take Boner for a walk without permission. Talk about fear and anger from me! She was clueless of any impropriety. Thank god only once in ten years did something strange like that happen.

February 03, 2006

We are going to perform for the Philadelphia International Auto Show's Tailgate Pre-Opening Party which is a Black Tie Gala benefiting the Caring for Kids Foundation of Philadelphia's Children's Hospital where Raggin' Piano Boogie, Boner and my piano playing will be showcased inside the Philadelphia Convention Center along with all the hottest new cars coming out this year. Whew! First thing on my mind for the day is to not forget to trim my goatee. Then I need to pack the scissors to cut Boners whiskers because I won't have time to do it before I leave. Bo love's to be groomed, by me that is. Other people have a real problem handling him. He is a very sensitive dog with a great memory. It takes only one unfortunate experience to create a phobia that Boner will hold onto for life no matter how hard I try to help him. The first trauma I think was with the neutering job at the vet. That is a paragraph for another time. Boner can be a tuff cookie with anyone trying to hold him down. For me, he often falls asleep when I am grooming him. I think its partially because he loves the ability to totally give up any resistance in order to become completely passive. Maybe it's an act of completely repressing any fight from within. Maybe it just feels good. Who knows?

I gave up cutting his nails. It took one bloody clip when he was about a year old to end any chance of that ever happening again. He has never needed it anyway. He also has really sensitive feet. As long as I take him for walks on the sidewalk his nails are naturally filed down.

February 02, 2006

- I love you, Bo.

- You are such a good boy!

- How come you're so smart?

- You... Are... Won... derful...

- You are so handsome.

- You... are... the... best!

- You're so smart; I can't believe how smart you are.

- Bo, you are so patient and tolerant and loving....

- What a great guy you are.

- I love you so much!

- Your such a good dog Bo...

- Bo, you are so cool.

- You're my buddy.

I say these things to Bo every day. I was stroked all the time growing up. The problem was I couldn't trust the motivations behind the strokes. My strokes were a lot like, "you have so much... you've got to... if you could only... isn't he... tell him he's good... etc... I felt ulterier motives that were self serving or manipulative and not on my behalf. The bottom line is thank God I got them. Its consciously second nature for me to stroke now. It's a way I express gratitude and respect not only a way to build self-esteem.

February 01, 2006

I felt a need to use the bathroom. I knew there was no bathroom around but that did not matter. I asked the clerk and she said, "sorry, no bathrooms for the customers". I became unusually adamant and said that I needed to use the bathroom,"now". She became somewhat nervous and went to ask the manager. A young guy came over who said he just brought the store a week ago. He was about 22 years old and said to follow him. He took me down the cellar and I realized why they had hesitated. The "week ago" statement was a warning because the cellar was a disgusting pit. It was dirty and full of junk and equipment. He pointed to the door and left to go upstairs. I stood for a moment because I heard barking and was curious as to what was going on. I walked through the room to find two cages side by side. The cage on the right had three dogs romping around in it. The cage on the left had one dog sitting still in the center staring directly at me not making a sound. Writing this brings up major emotions for me because I felt something special which would create another story. I'll simply say that this dogs spirit entered into me. He did not bark or move. We both did not move we just stared eye ball to eye ball for at least ten minutes until the owner of the store returned to find out what I was doing. I said to myself rationalizing any social pressure, "this is a new litter that just came into the store, I'll save a dog from a pet store". I asked the owner to let me see the dog up close as I wanted to do the hand test to see if he would be receptive to me. I put Bo into the palm of my hands, rolled him over onto his back with zero resistance. He rolled again onto his belly and licked the palm of my hand. There was no question that we had found each other. I said to the owner that I would take him right now and the owner said I would need to wait until the morning. The dogs were in the process of being de-flea-ed. So, with a some insecurity of losing him I went home to return the next day milk crate in hand to find the whole litter in a holding area. I said to myself, "how the hell am I going to distinguish which was my dog they all look alike"? That was not a problem as Bo came right up to me. I let go of my insecure impulse to keep searching and accepted him into my life. I went back a week later to the store I forget why. The store had gone out of business and the space was never again a pet store. I was not too surprised as I was consumed with the whole of what was going on. Everything was just part of a wonderfully magical experience.

January 31, 2006

When I really care about something, I put out a lot of energy into it. I think it comes from a fear of doing anything wrong and I don't want to deal with any repercussions if I fuck something up. In the search for Bo, I first dealt with the social pressure of going to a dog pound to rescue an animal. I failed with that first attempt. The specific dog pounds I visited were self-absorbed with restrictions and payouts like, "we can come and check up on you to see if you are caring for the dog and this is up to a year" and "you must pay to have him neutered and give him his twenty two vaccination shots eight times a year". Ok, so I am exaggerating a little. Maybe it was just the four specific pounds I went to. They took the fun out of the exploring in this area. I wanted to tell these people, you can teach or suggest to me how to relate to a dog and his needs but you can forget trying to inject fear through threats, rules and restrictions. I do not respond well to that approach. At the pounds I did not meet any dogs that I connected with anyway. I visited private houses through newspaper ads with people who sell their dog's pure-bread pups. I felt these dogs were a wee bit highbrow for me. I enjoy riding a fine line between the gutter and the stars and I wanted a pal that could handle the wide range of earthly norms with me. I put out feelers to people that I was looking for a dog. I actually combed streets for lost stray dogs. I went to pet shops. They scared me. This was probably because of nasty stories passed on through the years. I went to puppy farms. Every dog I handled either peed in my hand or bit me. I think they were intimidated and scared pee-less of me. I did not want a wussy dog that was afraid of me I wanted a dog that liked me, would stand on his own and would be a confident proud working partner. I started to pray. I kept telling myself, "God, Jesus please help me", "Danny, keep an open channel", "Saint Anthony help me find my dog". Saint Anthony and I are buds. He has never let me down in my entire life. He is one of the few particles that I was able to salvage from a mis-guided religious background. So with that added support and a conscious mind of staying out of the way through an open spiritual channel I found myself with a few spare minutes in a pet store at Cottman Avenue and the Boulevard in Northeast Philadelphia checking out what kind of food dogs eat, accessories, etc...

January 30, 2006

Here is a little background. As a child, a foundation for me was never established to be capable of anything unless my mother thought I was capable. The process of breaking away from that mind set in order to survive growing up translates even to this day into pure unadulterated fear. As the youngest of four brothers, one sister, and a baby sister who died an early death, I experienced as a youngling major family chaos along with drama-ridden issues concerning relationship with all extended family. I was pressured and repressed to do the "right and correct" thing according to the family's "inner circle of trust". Nobody was really quite sure what that meant because the definition changed according to my mother's needs. This resulted in creating an embedded state of bewilderment and confusion and when any resistance whatsoever came about, pure chaos to put things back into order ensued. Interesting, huh? Creating chaos to put things in order? Also, the pressure was all mine should I make a mistake. And I better do it all, and right away, fast! Fear.

So, I never had a dog before. It was a great life learning experience anticipating a new relationship, deciding on what kind of dog, where I would find him and the process of looking for him. Thankfully, to some extent I had found and developed a new foundation for living and I was able to let the process flow and ebb with experience. I have always been a late bloomer hey, who cares. As long as I get there and enjoy the process. My favorite saying these days, it is what it is. I had several important issues for the search. I wanted a dog that would not be afraid of me, one that liked me and wanted to be with me, and a dog that was huggable and I could play with. Yep, huggable.

January 29, 2006

I thought a lot about the wedding day to understand why Bo was so content in sitting on the piano. It took me about two weeks to realize that for the first two weeks we were together and while Bo was still small enough, I would work at my desk while keeping Bo on top of my office filing cabinet. He was too young to know that he could jump down and was happy just to be close to me with his water and toys. I was using the situation to assist with potty training. I would take him outside every half hour in the hope that he would go to the bathroom. I had no idea that Boner was being patterned to sit content and patient next to and above me on the filing cabinet in my office while I worked, and that this was the same levels as my sitting at the piano and Bo on top of it in the truck... two years later.

Then I realized Bo assumed that the location above me and his sitting with me while I worked was his natural job in life. He also wanted me to be pleased with him. Boy, was I pleased. He appreciated the structure and clarity of knowing what he should be doing during a performance. In being higher up, Boner realized he could get more attention from people. He enjoyed the challenge of learning to "work the crowd" in seducing them to come over and say hello. I want to say that it might be a disappointment for some people if they realized the priority association was, "let me smell your hand and face to find out what you just ate and are you able to slip me some sausage or funnel cake without Danny seeing it". I find humor in that fact. Boner realized on top of the piano he had a better view. He also had more control over his interactions with the public. He could get up and walk around, get away from people if he wanted to by going from one side of the piano to the other, and he could even go to sleep in the center if he was bored. Lastly, Boner had a more ability to scope the ground area for scraps of food to scarf up as soon as he finished work and jumped down. This would be while I was preoccupied with packing up and before I could catch what he would be doing.

January 28, 2006

While riding on top of the truck down the road, Boner was with his pack leader, his friends, his fellow dogs. We were all screaming and obviously having an incredible amount of fun. I was doing my thing on the piano which felt right to Bo while Heather and Jim who he loves and respects were in the back of the truck and our friend Courtney was driving. Family and friends were standing and waving to us with signs at different points from the sides of the road and throughout the route people were driving in and out of traffic and along side of us filming and taking pictures while screaming and yelling all in fun. All Bo wanted to do was be with the party and have fun with us. That is all he cared about; he was caught up in the present moments of joy with us.

I did not train Bo to sit on the piano. Call it coincidence, fate, providential synchronicity, call it... sometimes you just never know what's really going on but I am always amazed of how what happens in the beginning of our lives, often sets a course for the future. I must also note that during Boner's entire first experience of sitting on the piano which was also his first ride on the piano, Bo was not fearful at all because he was more interested in focusing on the fun that was going on all around him. There was no fear in his environment so why would he be fearful? I believe fear is learned. Bo has shown me that fact through his willing animalistic survival instincts to battle physically and mentally to death if needed. He would have jumped off if he had even sensed fear.

January 27, 2006

One of the most memorable experiences with Raggin' Piano Boogie was to escort through the community my newly wed niece Heather and her husband Jim from the church to reception after the ceremony. We rode down the road while I performed wild Ragtime and Boogie Woogie piano music with a trolley full of screaming, laughing wedding party family members trailing behind. There was no room for Boner in the back of the truck and I thought, "what to do"? I wondered and thought about him sitting on top of the piano while we drove along the highway but was concerned about the fact that he might fly off from a road bump. I decided to go to a nearby department store to see if they had anything I might be able to use so he would not slip off. I went right to the bathroom section and found a black strip mat with a rubber bottom that was the exact length of the piano. It was perfect. I placed the rug and Boner on the piano lid and Bo was absolutely accommodating in every way. He seemed to prefer hanging out on his new perch rather than in the back of the truck. Bo was about two years old and someone had told me it would take about two years for our relationship to really start "clicking" as a well-adjusted working duo. Along with everything else that was happening throughout the ride, it was a truly amazing and bonding experience in being with my dog as we dealt together with all the new, unfamiliar and chaotic stimuli around us. I had a lot of gratitude for the trust Boner had in me to hold on tight and be part of whatever life experience I threw in his direction.

January 26, 2006

I knew before I acquired Bo that I would be in and out and away from the house for long periods of time. I made up my mind from the beginning that I was going to work situations out to have Bo with me as much as possible. I did not want to have a dog that was left home alone all the time. I did not think that would be fair and therefore Bo went to performances with me from the start.

He used to sit in the cab while I was performed and I constantly worried about him getting into trouble with people as they persistently reached into the cab to tease and play with him. I also was problem solving as far as what I was going to do with him when the weather turned too hot to stay inside the truck for long periods of time. It was a pain in the neck literally, always looking over the piano while performing trying to keep a heads up as to what was going on.

That situation lasted for only a few weeks. Bo jumped out of the truck window twice and that was that. A bad habit had started and it needed to stop. Into the truck-bed he came to stay with me connected to the piano leg via his leash and collar. After I could not take any more of his jumping around by my feet while performing and after he got the idea that his place was in the truck and not out of the truck I let him run around freely in the truck bed while I did my thing. People on a constant basis were always trying to supply their mis-guided fun and nice gestures of feeding Bo sausage and hot dogs. I also realized that it takes two to tango and this is where Boner really began his talent of working a crowd. No one could know how much energy it took for me to stay connected with the performance, the people, the dog and all those elements working separately as well as together in order to keep a good time for all. It was almost impossible.

Then one day...

January 25, 2006

I have strong emotions and I think that is a good thing. My emotions can get me into trouble only if I am not aware of them, don't have any control with them, or if the tools are not there to use them practically or for enjoyment. I have learned this throughout life. My past tendencies emotionally were to be all so serious and deep. I've been very conscious of this as I do not want to overkill with affection and smother my dog with love. I've not had to worry. Bo has natural boundaries and limits when it comes to dealing with my emotions. He allows me to be as close and intimate as desired but when I start going overboard or indulge for too long he basically says, "time-out". He'll start to whine, squirm, throw his paws at me, slap me with his tail real hard, or start to chomp on my hand playfully. I thankfully take the lead. I have taken advantage of Boners boundaries and limits in applying them to my life. Bo has brought levity through playfulness into my expressions of affection.

January 24, 2006

When I move towards Boner, from the beginning and still today, I approach him with the consideration that I am a BIG moving object compared to his size. I have never stood over Bo long enough for him to realize that I could intimidate him that way. I am conscious of how I move in to pet him, give a treat or lift him for any reason. I can be a real jerky kind of guy but, when it comes to dealing with Bo the moves are always smooth. I have always known that one wrong move could traumatize this dog with fear, permanently. The last thing I would want is a dog that's afraid of me or cowers with hesitancy for his own safety. I want a dog that feels as safe and trusting as possible when it comes to physical interaction with anybody. This dog does not know what it means to give an angry bite. He has never even given a warning nip to anyone, for any reason. In public, I'm very watchful of what how people can trigger Bo to create trouble. I have never had to worry about Bo starting any trouble. I have been very fortunate in this area. Before I brought Bo home I wondered how I would remember to feed him everyday. As I write this stuff, I'm realizing how our mutual relating came naturally out of caring and respectfulness for each other.

January 23, 2006

Boner's behavior in every aspect is directly related to the amount of exercise, playful encounters, treats, toys, new surprises and discoveries but most importantly, one on one interaction.

The interaction part is the most difficult. Its not easy for me to stay interested in the same play routine over and over or to take the time to disengage when I'm preoccupied with something and its always a challenge to put my creative mind to work in finding new ways to keep the communication interesting for me. Bo has no problem with being interested in anything.

If I am not giving Boner enough attention, he knows just what to do. He will wait until I'm involved with something and then create a distraction like laying his head pathetically on my lap or backing his ass up to me while he slaps his tail against me as hard as he can. If I get up to walk into another room, he will stand in my way at every turn. If all else fails he will lay on the sofa and start chewing on his leg which for him is probably an expression of bored anxiety but for me its fear that he's going crazy from lack of attention and that usually guilt's me out of my world to do the trick.

I need to remind myself that the act of giving a treat once a day is not enough interaction. Having Bo with me all the time and his not being alone is not enough interaction. Bo listening to the radio or TV while I am working is not interaction. Taking him for a ride doesn't do the trick. My biggest tendency on the matter is to try and create the illusion that taking Bo out for a run in the field is interaction. Sure, like watching Bo run around the field sniffing geese droppings while I'm walking and thinking about people that I hate is interacting with each other. I have to laugh a when I catch myself in these self-realizations.

January 22, 2006

I remind myself often that Boner is a dog, not a person. Then I remind myself that this animal is in a domesticated world. His choices and decisions are often limited and I need to be always sensitive to that fact. In living with Bo, I have accepted stewardship of him for his lifetime. I have taken this responsibility seriously and with an incredible amount of gratitude and joy. Having Boner with me has been one of my life's most empowering experiences so far.

January 21, 2006

The most important tool that I have learned in living with Bo, the tool that most helped in teaching him the domesticated way of life is consistency. I never had this fundamental tool growing up. My life was full of the inconsistent, chaotic and contrary. It was a challenge for me in the beginning with Bo and still is.

January 20, 2006

People often ask, "how do you get your dog to behave the way he does". I would like to think that Boner behaves as well as he does because I behave well in relationship to him. So here begins information that will be contained in a book. I'll start by listing facts.

I always wanted a dog growing up. I talked about it from as early as I can remember. One year I decided to ask Santa to bring me my dog because I knew Santa had never let me down and always brought everything I asked for on Christmas no matter what. It took me about 12 years to figure out this approach. Somehow my clever parents manipulated the terminology on this matter. Somewhere during the Christmas season without my realizing it the word dog translated into pet. Santa might bring me my pet. I had dog on the brain. With major anticipation I waited for the joyful day to discover a fish tank. It was quite a head adjustment. I ended up getting fish. That was my pet for Christmas.

It took 40 years of self-empowerment to gain the confidence and belief that I could care for a dog. At the time I was single, alone and living in a house with a yard. My life was positioned perfectly for a dog to come into it. I was scared and insecure, but what the hell. I thought, "being scared and insecure has been an ongoing state of mind for me my entire life, don't let that stop me".

One of the first tasks after bringing Bo home was to drive him around the neighborhood in my truck so he would get used to his surroundings. We also walked the same routes by paw and foot. The first day we only walked around the block. I expanded the territory everyday for about two weeks. I constantly choose different streets, fields, through area apartment complexes, back and forth so Bo would know how to come home if we got seperated for any reason. My job was to create the directions and Boner's job was to get a feel for his turf and learn the sniffing clues for the neighborhood.