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December 04, 2017Las Vegas Nevada
In being honest with myself I know my biggest challenge in life is to allow myself to feel part of... anything. My thin skin from a lack of self-confidence has always been with me and always will. It is a matter of whether those feelings take control of my mind or not. Being in a room with other people interacting is almost an impossible task. I can get by with small groups and have no problem one-on-one. Must I be part of something? I know realistically in many ways I am part of many things, ideas, etc... but realistically my mind can also tell me otherwise. Being part of the universe, no problem but in the reality of relating to people in this world... it can be a challenge. This journey has been such a gift because I have found a way to relate that is successful and 100% on my terms. But thats not the kind of relating that is a challenge. It is when it is not 100% on my terms that it becomes a problem. Sometimes I wonder if this journey has been yet another distraction from dealing with the reality of my life's challenge, that is the issue of being and feeling "part of" something bigger in life. Focusing on God too much can be a distraction for reality. That can become a distraction in saying we are all part of God's love which is bigger than, blah, blah, blah. This issue is the disease of my life.